Saturday Blog 47

Saturday Blog 47

I have been feeling uneasy all day. I have been contemplating going to the ER for an eval, just for shits and giggles. But seriously, I just want to talk to someone neutral about what is going on and if I truly need to be in the hospital or just continue struggling as an outpatient. I was so torn that I decided to use a crisis hotline text chat to see if they could help. They gave me a support website for groups. I will check it out later. I felt better about talking with them about my father dying and it being hard to deal with. I also been talking about my suicidal urges that have been cropping up the last 24 hours. I just feel like I have to do something and I don’t know what that something is. Waiting for my father to die is not something I am looking forward to. I know it is going to happen but dammit. If I had a time frame, that would be fucking great. Like say he is going to die on x day at this time, then I can plan my hospitalization around that and things would be better. But life doesn’t work like that. I don’t even think my father knows he is dying because he is trying so hard to make it so he can go home. I don’t think he is going to go home, unless he doesn’t get state health care because we can’t afford to keep him in the nursing home at around $100/day.

I got some more Ensure because I was out. I still am not eating regularly. Coffee was my breakfast and a muffin with some fruit was my lunch. I have no idea if I am going to eat dinner. I have no appetite so an Ensure might be my dinner.

I don’t think my sister is going to visit my father today. She is already out and about doing things. She might be too tired to go. I don’t mind not going. I really find it hard seeing my father the way he is. Because his liver is damaged and is continuing to be, his body is producing ammonia more than usual. This is making him confused and sleepy. And he isn’t taking the medication used to bring the ammonia levels down because it’s a thick fluid and I think it tastes gross for him. I don’t know what it tastes like as I don’t have liver problems. Least I hope I never do.

The hard part for me is that I don’t think anybody has told my father that he is dying. I know my sisters haven’t told him and I am sure no medical professional has either. And what kills me is that they are giving him PT and OT to help him go back home when he is getting weaker and weaker. How is he supposed to go home when he is at risk for falling? Just getting him to the bathroom the other day was an ordeal. He almost fell backwards because he lost his balance while pulling up his pants. I just don’t get it. Then he was too tired to do anything else when we got him back to bed. Just changing him to his pajamas was tiring for him. And I think I am tired after taking a shower. The poor guy was ready to pass out he was so exhausted. It really killed me seeing him like this. And I know that it’s only going to get worse with time.

Because of his weakness and fatigue, I don’t think he will be a candidate for surgery for his other problem that he so desperately wants to take care of. And I think he might be dead before the appointment happens. I think I am the only one being the realist in the family about this. Sure we have made plans with the funeral home for his death but since we aren’t sure when he is going to die, it’s just putting more of a burden on us than we realize.

In the meantime, I am struggling with the black dog and suicidal feelings left and right. I know I should be in the hospital if anything for self-care, but I can’t take a chance that my father will die while I am there and it will just break my heart for that to happen. I want to be there when he dies, though I am still hoping he dies in his sleep.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Saturday Blog 47

  1. oosorio456 says:

    Interesting post today

  2. Oh, my heart breaks for you….I have so recently been through my father’s four year struggle to keep alive. He was afraid to die, because of terrible things he’d had to do in WWII. Finally I told him that he didn’t have to worry, that he had no choice about what he did and that he would be forgiven by the God he claimed not to believe in but was terrified in case there was one and he would be punished. Once he understood that if there really is a God, then the fact that he repented on his death bed would clear his slate, so to speak (according to Judaism, anyway), he went ahead and died. But that’s what was keeping him alive, was that fear of Divine Retribution!

    Would your father talk to the hospital chaplain or someone like that, who could explain to your father that he is in fact dying (which he may already know, but didn’t know how to start that conversation, or is in denial, which is easy to understand)?

    Medicare pays for nursing home care after the resident has spent down their personal assets to a certain level. The discharge planner in the hospital is who you need to speak to about that. Or the social worker who is assigned to your father’s case, who can also help you with decisions and issues around death and dying. It seems to me that Hospice should be getting involved, to help your whole family through this. I can’t tell you how amazingly helpful Hospice was, throughout my father’s last months of life. They helped us with absolutely everything. The doctor has to order Hospice, and they will come to the hospital and work with the staff, and then to the nursing home, if he is able to go there directly from the hospital.

    It’s awful that you’re having to put off taking care of yourself because of your father. I wonder if a 72 hour voluntary would be enough time for you? Are you able to track down his doctor so you can ask what the honest prognosis is, so you can get an idea how much time you can take for yourself? Can you go into the hospital and have it arranged that if your sister thinks it’s important for you to come, she could call and you would be able to go?

    Sending love and virtual hugs….

    • hey, good to hear from you. Hope you are feeling better than the last time we spoke.

      I didn’t think about a 72 hour hold. That might be enough for me to get settled and “snap” me out of the suicidal stuff. Unfortunately, I told my sister I would babysit on Monday so it really can’t be until Tuesday that I can go in anyways. Once I hear what the meeting is about on Tuesday and after my therapy session, I was planning on going to the hospital. I completely forgot that you can have a 72 hour hold and don’t have to be there longer if you don’t want to. If my father is stabilized enough that I can stay for a week, I will do it. But I doubt it.

      Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot. 🙂

  3. manyofus1980 says:

    I always struggle with when I need to go get evaluated. I wait and wait until things get to a crisis point before I go. I always try to go as long as i can without hospitalisation. xxx

    • why is that? If you like, I can help with a crisis response plan that might help you. I think people like us under utilize the hospital. I know it can be a hindrance but sometimes it’s necessary to help us get better a little more faster than we can as an outpatient. I have been lucky that I have had the same unit the past three hospitalizations so i know what to expect.

any thoughts?

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