Just another day
I had my pain management appointment. For some reason, the new system kicked out my medication that I take so the medical assistant had to put it back on. It was the only medication not listed. Weird. I talked with the NP about the situation with my father. After the appointment, she gave me a hug, which I thought was nice. She is a good person.
Today is my niece’s birthday. Kids are over the house but the food isn’t out yet. I only had Ensure for my breakfast and lunch because I wasn’t hungry. I still am not hungry but I will try and have something at the party. I am down another six pounds according to the scale at the doc’s office. This keeps up, I can be at my target goal by the end of the year.
I still feel an overwhelming sadness around me. I still have my menses which is aggravating the fuck out of me. It should be over with by tomorrow or Sunday. I need to take a shower because I feel gross but it will have to be after the party. I don’t know if taking the shower is going to aggravate my ankle and I don’t want to miss the party because of pain.
The hardest part of this, other than my father actually dying, has been my gender identity issues. I have had to play the role of daughter the past few weeks and it has been killing me. What is worse, is that everybody has been calling me my birth name, which I hate. Having my menses always fucks with me but having to be a “daughter” rather than a “son” is just painful. I have had to grin and bear it because there is nothing more that I can do. It’s like no matter how much progress I make with transitioning, there always seems to be a few steps back. And it hurts.
The stupid bus was late on my way home. My ankle is not too happy with me right now. I went downstairs to get some chocolate. I was going to have a bowl of cereal but I never opened the new box and I didn’t feel like going to the porch to get it. I’ll just have to wait for the party food.