fucking pissed off II

Fucking pissed off II

I received a text from my sister. She can’t make the time tomorrow for the oxygen assholes so guess who is going in her place?? Yup, me. I was so looking forward to just staying home, waiting on a delivery that is for me. I have a feeling I know who it is from because they actually specified my floor I live on and there are very few people that know my home address outside of family. So now I got to sit at a dead man’s apartment again. This time, I am taking a few things home with me, like his Ensure and his dirt devil. I don’t think my sisters want it. My youngest sister said she just wants a frying pan. I am also going to take his little basket of quarters. That will be my inheritance, LOL.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep. I bought Martina McBride’s latest album Reckless. I am listening to it now. She has such an amazing voice. She made a song that is on Lady Antebellum’s last album and now I can’t decide who sings it better, Martina or Hillary Scott. Think Hillary sings it better. But I love the lyrics to the song.

I am so aggravated that my sister bailed. I am not surprised though. Just pisses me off that I am still expected to drop everything and do something for a dead guy. I now have to catch the morning bus to his house which means getting up early so I can make coffee and be some what awake to go out. I have been sleeping so poorly the last few nights. Been waking up early morning hours. But that could be the depression, too.

I called my psychiatrist. I didn’t do it as an emergency. I just felt like I should check in with her as I haven’t talked to her since our emergency session last week. I have been emailing her but I really wanted to talk to her. I kind of feel that something is wrong with me because I am not experiencing emotion except anger and that I haven’t really cried for my father since he died. She said what I was feeling was normal. I felt better but she wants me to page her Sunday afternoon. Was not expecting that! Guess she is worried about me.

I was talking with my cousin today. He is really going to miss my father. He is the only male cousin, other than the cousin-in-laws. I feel sad for him. His mother is my Godmother, my father’s sister. I know my father loved him a great deal. He wouldn’t drive people crazy if he didn’t.

As mad as I am, I am also sad. It comes in spurts but doesn’t last too long. I still haven’t cried. I don’t know when that is going to happen. I think me breaking down the other night is what I needed, even though it was more for my aunt than my father. But they were tears none the less.

Don’t like this new album by Martina. There are no songs that hit me other than the title track. It’s not like Eric Church’s album. Maybe I should put him on…

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to fucking pissed off II

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    Grief comes out in lots of different ways. Anger is part of it. Its not surprising you are feeling that instead of crying considering the relationship you had with your father. The sadness will come too at some point. XX

  2. thefeatheredsleep says:

  3. Yogi says:

    Hang in there G.

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