A Triggering Day

A Triggering Day

I have been feeling paranoid for most of the day. It started while I was at Starbucks writing in my journal. There was a congregation of people behind me while waiting for their coffee, talking loudly as I could hear them through my headphones, which was also playing loudly. I had to keep watching my back as I was fearful of these people. I just wanted them to get their coffee and leave. They must have talked for about 15-20 minutes before dispersing. I was rattled. There was no way I could calm myself down. Least not with a venti coffee. I had no meds but the voices were talking loudly too so that helped. I knew they wouldn’t allow someone to hurt me if they were around.

I went off to see my pdoc. She was late, as usual. I told her I was paranoid and didn’t trust anyone. She asked if I felt threatened by her and I asked, should I be? I did ask if she was going to kill me and she adamantly said no. That made me feel like I could trust her. We talked and she knew I was being distracted by the voices in my head. She kept trying to make conversation with me when I got quiet. She wanted to see me next week but I had reserved the zipcar and it was too complicated for her so I will see her in three weeks. I was still hearing voices and she was okay with me stopping the abilify.

I got home and soon as I walked in the door, Walgreens texted me saying my prescription was ready. They told me it was going to be a half hour wait so I went home to change and to pee as I couldn’t wait that long. I also wanted to cool off some with the AC as I was hot. It’s in the 70s today.

After I got home from that trip, I was going to stay put until the UPS guy showed up with my new toy. I am still waiting for it. While I was waiting I did my thing by reading Twitter. A person who does the PTSD chat posted something about ISIS and I immediately got triggered and paranoid worse than what I was already. I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn’t believe what she posted. Just thinking about the pic she posted is giving me paranoia again. I took my last trilafon and then emailed my pdoc saying I was triggered and needed trilafon stat. Abilify doesn’t do anything for the paranoia. And the voices would flip on me if I took it because it is poison in their eyes. I still am shaken up.

I checked the pharmacy and my doc did call in the trilafon. Soon as it’s ready, I will make my 3rd trip to walgreens today. Speaking of the devil, I just received a text saying it’s ready just now. I will go after I finish this blog. My package was delivered as well.

I was just getting calm when I figure I scroll through Facebook. Bad idea. Half way down, there was another damn post about ISIS attacking the gay community or something to that affect. I really need trilafon. I might page my psych later tonight because I am going out of my tree. I got a necklace around my neck that is protecting me from the parasites. I didn’t tell my pdoc about it when I saw her today because she already knows I am off my rocker. She did like the necklace though.

In other news, the Sox called up a rookie pitcher that is pitching tonight. I really want to see him pitch because he is supposed to be really good. It will be the first game I have watched in weeks. I hope NESN doesn’t have a 3 man crew or I will just listen to the game on the radio. I hate when they have 3 broadcasters, two are former players and 1 is the play by play man. It is so annoying with the analysis of the pitch or play. Just repetitive.

I had to report UPS today because my package was delayed for tomorrow’s delivery. The package was delivered to my town and then shipped out west for some reason. I am told it has been corrected and it’s still on for a Saturday delivery by the postal service so we’ll see.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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