evening report

Evening Report

After my post this morning, I slept until my damn mother wanted to know my where abouts, like I am a child, not a full grown adult. I asked her what she wanted and she plainly stated she just “wanted to know where I was”. She was going to ask why I was still in bed but I cut her off. I am in still in pain, and have taken another pain med. I only took 1 pill because I am waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back and I don’t want to be drugged up, so to speak. I wish she would get back to me as I really want to lie down and sleep.

There was a huge backlash to writing to my friend this morning. Nearly every close childhood friend came at me. I couldn’t believe it. I just ignored them, for now. Then I found out eight trans kids killed themselves across the country. A friend I follow on Facebook wrote this as she has a transgender son. They supposedly killed themselves because they were afraid of what is to come. Even the transline, a hotline for trans people were overloaded today with questions and concerns. I started crying when I found out about this because it affects me so personally. The whole LGBT community is nervous about what is to come. I am too. I texted my therapist that I was going back to the closet if she needs me.

Last night as election results were gaining support for Trump, the Canadian website for immigration went down. It crashed because so many people were hitting it. My friend in Canada who works with immigration said she had over 300 emails and 59 voicemails to sort through this morning. I am sure it is going to get worse as time goes on.

For the first time, I am depressed over outside influences, aka the election. I try not to internalize these things because they change all the fricken time but this time, I am fearful and really down. I should have tried to end my life last week. That has been all I have been thinking about the past few days. I should be dead or on life support or something. I shouldn’t be here.

any thoughts?

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