lost track of crappy days

Lost track of crappy days

I had a good sleep but I still woke up in pain. I really wanted to shower and go to Starbucks but that wasn’t happening. So I took some pain meds and went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t sleep all day. I woke up around 1 and was really hungry. I really haven’t eaten much all week except for little meals here and there. I had taken my sauce out of the freezer and decided to make pasta for it. OMG it was the best thing I ate all week. I had two full bowls of pasta. My stomach isn’t too happy with me as I am so full but it’s a happy full, which makes me happy.

After I had my breakfast and lunch, I decided to take a shower. I was really hot and needed one. Besides, my hair was doing it’s own thing and was really itchy from using gel the other day so I really needed a shower. I took one without any problems and then went upstairs to my room. I started to get sleepy but I had to do an errand for my mother I have been neglecting all week. I paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to check in. I waited but she never called so I left for the store.

I still haven’t heard back from my psych, but last night she didn’t get back to me until 2200. I hope I don’t have to wait that long today but I could. I am feeling pretty crappy now that I did all that I did. My ankle is “thanking” me so I still don’t know when I am going to brush my teeth. That is the only thing left on my “to do” list. I wanted to edit my book but it’s too late to go to Starbucks now. I will go tomorrow. I really need to get this done. The easy part is correcting shit. The hard part is inputting the info back into the word doc. I hope there are no more formatting errors. Those just give me wicked anxiety.

When I came back from the store, I decided to cut my toenails. My foot really hates me now. I am feeling really depressed that I got all this stuff done but I am still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to ask my psychiatrist for a lethal dose of tricyclics but I know that will not diminish her concern for me and my safety. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to go things and then I pay. It just makes me want to give up and not even try. But stuff like showering and grooming needs to be done. I can’t let my toenails keep growing, that will just cause more problems. I am just glad I don’t have to do it every day or every other day like showering.

Dammit, tomorrow is my aunt’s birthday and I forgot to mail her card. Tuesday is also my sister’s birthday and I need to get her a card as well. Birthday month. I hate it sometimes. I wish I could afford to send my aunt flowers but I can’t. this sucks having just one paycheck a month.

My psych just called me to check in. I think she is okay with me keeping in touch rather than paging her every day. We have an appointment next Friday so that will be good. I told her all I did and how it tired me out. She wants me to take it easy.

any thoughts?

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