lost track of crappy days

Lost track of crappy days

I had a good sleep but I still woke up in pain. I really wanted to shower and go to Starbucks but that wasn’t happening. So I took some pain meds and went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t sleep all day. I woke up around 1 and was really hungry. I really haven’t eaten much all week except for little meals here and there. I had taken my sauce out of the freezer and decided to make pasta for it. OMG it was the best thing I ate all week. I had two full bowls of pasta. My stomach isn’t too happy with me as I am so full but it’s a happy full, which makes me happy.

After I had my breakfast and lunch, I decided to take a shower. I was really hot and needed one. Besides, my hair was doing it’s own thing and was really itchy from using gel the other day so I really needed a shower. I took one without any problems and then went upstairs to my room. I started to get sleepy but I had to do an errand for my mother I have been neglecting all week. I paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to check in. I waited but she never called so I left for the store.

I still haven’t heard back from my psych, but last night she didn’t get back to me until 2200. I hope I don’t have to wait that long today but I could. I am feeling pretty crappy now that I did all that I did. My ankle is “thanking” me so I still don’t know when I am going to brush my teeth. That is the only thing left on my “to do” list. I wanted to edit my book but it’s too late to go to Starbucks now. I will go tomorrow. I really need to get this done. The easy part is correcting shit. The hard part is inputting the info back into the word doc. I hope there are no more formatting errors. Those just give me wicked anxiety.

When I came back from the store, I decided to cut my toenails. My foot really hates me now. I am feeling really depressed that I got all this stuff done but I am still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to ask my psychiatrist for a lethal dose of tricyclics but I know that will not diminish her concern for me and my safety. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to go things and then I pay. It just makes me want to give up and not even try. But stuff like showering and grooming needs to be done. I can’t let my toenails keep growing, that will just cause more problems. I am just glad I don’t have to do it every day or every other day like showering.

Dammit, tomorrow is my aunt’s birthday and I forgot to mail her card. Tuesday is also my sister’s birthday and I need to get her a card as well. Birthday month. I hate it sometimes. I wish I could afford to send my aunt flowers but I can’t. this sucks having just one paycheck a month.

My psych just called me to check in. I think she is okay with me keeping in touch rather than paging her every day. We have an appointment next Friday so that will be good. I told her all I did and how it tired me out. She wants me to take it easy.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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