another day filled with pain

Another day filled with pain

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was waking up every 2 hours. I wanted to help my mother with doing something around the house and then go to Starbucks but dammit, I couldn’t get my motor started for nothing. Then I figured I would help and make coffee. That didn’t work either. I stayed in bed the whole day. Meanwhile, my foot has been throbbing like a SOB.

I am really pissed at myself for not getting up. It’s been like this all week. I think I am depressed as I have no motivation to do anything. I really wanted to go into town and see where the building was for the CBT therapist I see on Monday. Now it will have to be Monday when I check the place out. Least they have a Starbucks at the corner I can get my espresso as I won’t be going by the Square.

My mother was disappointed in me because I didn’t help her. I feel bad. She made dinner and I really didn’t like it. It was tilapia and a baked potato. I didn’t like the fish. It tasted funny. I only had half a potato and then retreated back to my room. All I ate today was Oreos and milk. That was my breakfast. Then I went off into dreamland.

Next week when I see my psych, I am going to ask if I can increase the Zoloft. I think I need a minor adjustment. I have been on the same dose for a while now and I just keep slipping off the edge more than I was before. I know it’s not going to help my pain or suicidality but it might help the other stuff. If it helps me feel a little better, maybe I can get things done. I made a real mess in my room when I went into my alcove to get my spare desk lamp. Just looking at it makes me sick. But I don’t have the energy to clean it because I just get so overwhelmed. I still need to move stuff away from my window so my brother in law can remove the AC. I’d do it today but it’s really windy and kind of rainy so I need to wait for it to be a better day. Maybe the weekend will be better.

I need to call my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of nervous about it because I haven’t talked to her since my father passed away, and it wasn’t a good experience. She was crying really bad and it was hard for her to talk because of the Parkinson’s. I will never forget the noises she was making. It was awful.

I have been thinking about my father’s side of the family all week, well, least in my dreams, literally. Nearly every time I dream, I dreamt about my cousins or aunt or my father. I guess I miss them very much. I wish I was able to go to my cousin’s birthday party last Saturday. But I was in pain and it was not a good idea for me to be driving, especially as I really never been to the place before.

I don’t know if it’s the stupid time difference or what, but every night around 1730, I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep. It’s way too early for me to be taking my meds at that hour. Last night I took it a little past 1900, which is early for me. I couldn’t help it. I have been so tired lately. I know part of it is because I haven’t been on a sleeping schedule of any sort all week and pain has been fucking things up. I just hate it when I sleep all day and up all night deal.

I’m really fed up with being in pain every single bloody day. I just can’t cope anymore. I don’t have any reserves left. And I can’t help thinking that I should have killed myself last week when I had the fucking chance. It was a low pain day and I could have possibly walked to my destination. I’ll never forgive myself for not going through with it. I am so mad.

any thoughts?

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