Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

drained

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Drained

I woke up around 430 this morning. According to my app that detects sleep, I was asleep for 5 hrs and 40 mins. I went pee and stayed up for a little bit. Around 6 I crashed and fell back to sleep. I woke up around 8 thinking I overslept for PT. I didn’t thank god. I had another cup of coffee and then made some quiche. It wasn’t as good as the BJ brand but it was ok.

At PT I did a machine for 8 minutes and then my PT massaged my shoulders and back. It felt so good. Then she had me do weights. I asked her what kind of stuff I can do with the 5 lbs weight as I bought two and she showed me some exercises. I am really excited about this because I really want to work on my upper body, safely.

After PT, I missed the bus home so took the bus to the Square to get Starbucks and a sandwich. I had a mocha with 4 shots espresso. It was so good. I forgot how good they were. It has been sometime since I had a mocha. I came home and tried to work on my blog but I was so tired. I took a nap. I didn’t wake up till my med alarm went off for my PM dose. I couldn’t really sleep anyway as my foot kept feeling like it was going to spasm on me so I kept moving it around to prevent it cramping. I had to go pee again and I just made it to the bathroom as my bowels exploded. That was unexpected. I did my business and then washed my hands really good as I was going to make dinner. I took some chicken out but I didn’t feel like cooking. My mother made a pasta dish so I was left on my own. I will make the chicken tomorrow.

I had a bowl of cereal. I wanted to make rice but I wanted some protein with it. I will make it tomorrow with the chicken. I feel so drained I just want to go back to sleep but my foot still feels off. I just took a Zanaflex to try and make it stop feeling the way it does.

Last night I took my night meds an hour later and the melatonin an hour earlier. I still didn’t sleep through the entire night but I got some good sleep. I am going to do the same thing tonight and see if that helps. I think I am going to be sore tomorrow as the weights were heavy as I was working with them. Plus going out afterwards wasn’t planned but I liked going to Starbucks. I wish I brought my bag with me.

Last night while cathing I had mucus come out of the tube and it shocked me. I never had this happen before so I asked a doctor friend of mine and she said it was ok as long as it doesn’t happen all the time. I am glad I didn’t have to call the urgent med line at my uro’s office because sometimes it is a long wait. I am glad it wasn’t a serious issue. I have been cathing all day and have had no problems. Grateful for that.

listening to 1989 again

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Listening to 1989 again

I completely love the album 1989 by Taylor Swift. It is one of my top favorite albums. So I am listening to it all day until the game tonight.

I had therapy and my therapist wanted to discuss what went on last week. She said that it is looking like I have Treatment Resistant Depression as I have failed multiple trials of antidepressants. She said that I could try avenues of TMS or ECT. I have tried to get TMS for a while but my prescriber has always let the conversation die in the mist of discussion. But medication isn’t the answer for me. She is still wanting me to try groups and shit. We talked about stuff I could do with my time. She brought up writer groups and I thought about the writer’s group in Boston but they are way out of my price range. One class is like $400. So this isn’t an option for me.

I wanted to bring up trauma but I really didn’t want to get into it. We have danced around it for a while but we never have delved into it much. Trouble is I have so much trauma, I don’t know what to talk about first. Do I talk about the trauma with my mother, father, ex, medical profession, cousin, or just the vicarious trauma life throws at you? I also had a therapist that took advantage of me when I was a teen. She knew I had feelings for her so she thought she could use them and my insurance to drag out sessions. I read her notes and she said that I would do best with an insightful therapist as I had good insights. I also have a lot of therapists that left their scars with me when they left. Some of the therapists I still keep in touch with. Some have left and never seen again.

I ordered Chinese food because I am addicted to Kung Pao from Panda Express. They make it with zucchini and I love zucchini. It ought to clear my sinuses up. I have such a sinus headache right now from all the sneezing I have been doing today. What really sucked was when I was cathing I got a sneeze attack. Luckily urine didn’t go everywhere and the catheter stayed inside of me.  Fucking a man. I hate when that happens.

I have realized that Blank Space is my therapist’s song. “got a long list of ex lovers who will tell you I’m insane” is perfect for all the ex therapists I have had over the years. Omg who is she I get drunk on jealousy but you’ll come back every time you leave because darling I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream. So it’s gonna be forever or is it gonna go down in flames? The lyrics are just hitting me. I’ve been listening to the song on repeat for the past hour.

My food will be here soon. The driver had another drop off before mine so it is delayed. I hate when that happens. They say that it is cost effective but for who? I am the one waiting the extra time for my food.

I need to shave my head today. I might shower but it doesn’t look likely. I’ve gotten back in the habit of shaving. I love the bald feel of my head.

Sunday Blog 01082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Sunday blog 01082021

I can’t believe it is August already. I will have my surgery in sixteen days. I can’t wait to have it because I have been having cramps the past few days and again I don’t know if they are bladder or uterine. My urge to pee has been great today so I haven’t cathed at all. It still hurts to go though. I thought a month of cathing would help and I was wrong. I am glad I haven’t got an infection. I have been careful. If I don’t get it on the first try, I will use another catheter. I have plenty so I don’t have to worry about running out. I just got my new supply order so I am set for the month.

I haven’t done anything today. I had my two cups of coffee and then my mother came into the kitchen to take her blood sugar and it was low. I gave her some juice and stayed with her as she made a sandwich. I told her not to take her insulin. She can skip a dose. After she ate and had juice her sugar went up to 105. I still told her not to take her insulin. It wasn’t high enough. For some reason her continuous glucose monitor and blood meter had different results, by forty points. She feels ok so that is the main thing. I’ll have her call her doctor tomorrow to find out why there is such discrepancy.

I have been sleeping with my new pillow and I haven’t been waking up in pain since using it. My neck still feels tight but it isn’t painful like it was. My back is aching. The weather has been cool so I don’t know why my back has been acting up. I should try the tennis ball to get the knots out.

I have another slow week appointment wise. I just have therapy and PT. I am going to try and go to Starbucks one of the days and hope I don’t get anxiety like I did before. It will be good to go out. Just hope I don’t have the sleepiness that I have been having lately. I have had to take a nap in the afternoon or early evening. It has been interfering with watching my games. Last night the Sox lost their third game in a row. I hope they will win tonight. Pivetta is on the mound and has been pretty good.

Saturday Blog 31072021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Saturday Blog 31072021

I’ve been in a blah mood all day. I woke up around 5 to pee and took a little bit to settle down and go back to sleep. I had put diclofenac gel on my shoulder and neck so it wasn’t bothering me. I just feel really ugly. Weather is nice and cool. It is beautiful out but I don’t care. I want to sleep but my foot is acting up.

I was able to shave and shower today. I felt a little better afterwards. My back was cramping but I let the hot water hit me and my neck so it settled down some. I had two cups of coffee today, one right after the other. I was hoping for a third but I don’t think I need it. I am feeling really tired today and don’t feel like doing anything. I have been reading Twitter. I posted some stuff on facebook but never got a response to it. I’ve been staying away from facebook lately because there is someone on there that pisses me off every time I post something. She tries to be supportive but it isn’t supportive. Just gaslighting if you ask me.

I was hoping I would wake up after the shower but it didn’t happen. Sox are playing an hour earlier tonight against the Rays. They lost last night. I didn’t really pay much attention to them as I went to bed early. I plan on doing the same tonight. I just feel really down. Nothing happened to make me feel this way. Guess the depression is having one of its days.