Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

a nice day for being tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A nice day for being tired

Weather was beautiful out today and I was out for most of it. I went out this morning for PT. PT thought I have a tight muscle that is causing the pain but she did feel some swelling and didn’t know what that could be from. She encouraged me to keep my urgent care appointment. I made it for the afternoon as they didn’t have any morning available. I didn’t sleep well again last night so when I came home from PT I took some pain meds and tried to sleep. I failed as I was afraid I would blow off my appointment and stay in bed.

I had two cups of coffee and I was still tired. The urgent care place was running behind so I didn’t get seen till two hours after my appointment. My mother called me to tell me she made dinner. She thought I was home. She didn’t see me leave. I didn’t say goodbye either. I was in a mood. I didn’t fee like talking to anyone.

This morning I was so desperate for pain relief I put on some diclofenac gel. It worked and I was able to get about three straight hours of sleep. I am going to put some more on after this blog. I am hurting again with my neck. I am glad it is just muscle and not something more serious.

My PT and I talked about my being short of breath while doing stuff. She said my strength had come back but people with COVID have a hard time recovering their breath. It could be months. I notice it more when I am tired. A day like today left me pretty winded while walking home. I wasn’t even going up inclines or carrying anything heavy. In fact, I wasn’t carrying anything at all on the way home from urgent care. I left my little bag at home.

I did bicep curls with five pound weights. I liked the feel of it so I plan on buying the weight for home so I can try and work out. I would love to get my chest stronger but that might take some time doing, especially with my shoulder pain acting up. I’m glad the diclofenac gel helps the pain. I just got to be careful as my surgery is coming up and I can’t be using it or they will cancel my surgery. I can only use it for the next 8 days only and then I need to stop using it.

in a mood due to lack of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

In a mood due to lack of sleep

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I had a difficult night sleeping due to pain. The left side of my neck is slightly more swollen than the right and hurts. I’ve been taking BT meds and Tylenol to deal with the pain. It isn’t affecting my neck’s range of motion. I am just in pain. I don’t know if it is muscle or something else. I called my pcp and he doesn’t have an opening until the 17th. I want to be seen sooner than that. The other provider in the group doesn’t have an opening until the end of next week so I will most likely have to go to an urgent care center tomorrow or this weekend. I have PT in the morning tomorrow so I can go after that appointment. There used to be an urgent care next to my PT’s office but it closed down. I will have to go to Cambridge as it is close to me and I don’t want to go into Boston.

I had two cups of coffee and some quiche. If I get hungry later I will have some yogurt. Chobani just came out with a really good one. It is raspberry lemonade. It is so good. I bought some more when I bought my half and half.

My uro NP finally put in the new order for my catheters. I should be getting a few more boxes the end of the week or early next week. I got the refill order today. I am glad because two catheters malfunctioned in the new box I opened.

I am so tired. I am waiting for a callback from my doc’s office before going back to bed. I shaved my head today. I need to shower. I will take one later tonight. I kind of nicked the back of my head while shaving. OOPS. I couldn’t see it so I don’t know how bad it was. It bled for a time but finally stopped. I love the bald feel of my head now. I had my haircut yesterday so it was the right length to shave it. I think I look good with my head shaved and having a top of full head of hair.

With my mood being so bad, I am hating the way my body is. Gender dysphoria is hitting me hard today. I just loathe myself so much. I am so tired of being in the wrong body. Sadly, even if I transition, I will still be in the wrong body. I will just be making my appearance change to fit the congruence of being male.

The pain in my neck has become so severe it is making me nauseous. My pcp’s nurse called back. She wants me to go to urgent care so I will go tomorrow after my PT appointment. Hope this is just a bad muscle thing and nothing more serious. I will have my PT look at my neck tomorrow to see if she can see anything major wrong. She probably will tell me it is just stress. Hope that is all it is.

In a mood due to lack of sleep

I woke up in a bad mood this morning. I had a difficult night sleeping due to pain. The left side of my neck is slightly more swollen than the right and hurts. I’ve been taking BT meds and Tylenol to deal with the pain. It isn’t affecting my neck’s range of motion. I am just in pain. I don’t know if it is muscle or something else. I called my pcp and he doesn’t have an opening until the 17th. I want to be seen sooner than that. The other provider in the group doesn’t have an opening until the end of next week so I will most likely have to go to an urgent care center tomorrow or this weekend. I have PT in the morning tomorrow so I can go after that appointment. There used to be an urgent care next to my PT’s office but it closed down. I will have to go to Cambridge as it is close to me and I don’t want to go into Boston.

I had two cups of coffee and some quiche. If I get hungry later I will have some yogurt. Chobani just came out with a really good one. It is raspberry lemonade. It is so good. I bought some more when I bought my half and half.

My uro NP finally put in the new order for my catheters. I should be getting a few more boxes the end of the week or early next week. I got the refill order today. I am glad because two catheters malfunctioned in the new box I opened.

I am so tired. I am waiting for a callback from my doc’s office before going back to bed. I shaved my head today. I need to shower. I will take one later tonight. I kind of nicked the back of my head while shaving. OOPS. I couldn’t see it so I don’t know how bad it was. It bled for a time but finally stopped. I love the bald feel of my head now. I had my haircut yesterday so it was the right length to shave it. I think I look good with my head shaved and having a top of full head of hair.

With my mood being so bad, I am hating the way my body is. Gender dysphoria is hitting me hard today. I just loathe myself so much. I am so tired of being in the wrong body. Sadly, even if I transition, I will still be in the wrong body. I will just be making my appearance change to fit the congruence of being male.

The pain in my neck has become so severe it is making me nauseous. My pcp’s nurse called back. She wants me to go to urgent care so I will go tomorrow after my PT appointment. Hope this is just a bad muscle thing and nothing more serious. I will have my PT look at my neck tomorrow to see if she can see anything major wrong. She probably will tell me it is just stress. Hope that is all it is.

a day of business calls

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, recurrent major depressive disorder

A day of business calls

I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up every fricken hour from 1a on. I finally gave up sleeping at 7. I took my meds and then paid my bills. I had enough left over to put some funds in Starbucks and buy a book. I then put my alarm on for 930 so I could see if I could sleep for an hour before I had to get up and ready for getting my haircut. I didn’t sleep. I kept on getting notifications that kept me up. I should have turned off my phone or put the no disturb on so just my alarm would go off. I will have to remember that for next time.

I had my coffee and biscuits. My sister came up for a short time to tell me about my sister in law. She was diagnosed with liver cancer in March and now it has metastasized to her abdomen. She is now in hospice care. Her family is in denial that she is sick which isn’t helping her. Apparently she is so depressed over the news she just isn’t doing much to take care of herself and is in the ICU because she is dehydrated. I feel bad for her. My brother in law is also in denial about her sister’s health. I just feel bad for her son. He is going through so much.

After I had coffee I got dressed and ready for the bus. I had planned on going to Starbucks after the haircut but forgot my bag so I just went to get a drink for me and my barber. On the way back to the barber shop I became short of breath again. I don’t know why as it is all level ground, no inclines or hills. I know this is because of Covid and being deconditioned. My PT said my breathing would be the last to be better. I want to be better now! Dammit.

After I got my haircut, I was again out of breath when I got home. I had to sit in the kitchen for a bit to relax before going up to my room. I had some water and then went up to my room. I changed into my PJs, turned on the AC, checked my phone for more messages and then rested for a couple of hours. I didn’t sleep but the rest did me good. I was finally able to call my insurance and find out why the copays were so high. Turns out my PT place is billing several dates of service under one date so it looks like one visit is costing me $30, $50, or $60 dollars depending on how many visits is processed.  I emailed the billing and asked why wasn’t this reflected in my statement so it doesn’t look like one visit is costing me more than my $15 copay. I am waiting for a response.

I also called uro because I need catheters. I have one box left. The nurse I left a message to called the supply company and they said they would rush the order. I still have to have my provider change the daily catheter number so I can get more catheters to hold me through the month. I sent a message 5 days ago and haven’t heard back so I sent another message asking what the status is.

All this calling made me tired and seeing as I didn’t eat anything, I was also nervous/anxious. I took an Ativan and ordered Chinese food, my favorite dish, Kung Pao chicken. It was so good. They didn’t have the double order like before. I guess you can only order a bowl now, which is sad. I might have to change to another Chinese restaurant to get more Kung Pao rather than more rice. I just didn’t want to place a big order.

I got a response to the message I sent to my therapist the other day. She isn’t happy with me because I sent her “provocative” text messages. I was having a bad pain day yesterday and was texting her about what I was taking. I guess she took it as “provocative” messages. She also said repeatedly that she knows my knowledge of things is great and she said this throughout the session. Funny, I don’t remember her saying that at all. I guess when she said I didn’t go to med school, it threw out whatever else she was saying. I am trying to do what she has asked of me by doing the work outside of therapy like doing the work in the suicidal thoughts workbook. I have been meaning to do it but I am just too tired because I haven’t slept good the past few nights and been in a lot of pain.

I don’t know if I am going to listen to the game tonight. I am feeling awfully tired and I don’t know if the game will cause me to get agitated if there are bad plays. I get involved in my games when I am listening or watching it. I am going to take my night meds early because I want to make sure I go to bed at a decent hour. Last night I was late in taking my meds and it disrupted my sleep. I also bought 3mg of melatonin to take at the suggestion of my psychiatrist. I told him the 5 mg was giving me a hangover the next day. We’ll see if the 3 mg is better.

Did a lot so paying the price

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I went to PT despite being really tired as I’ve been up since 330a. She wanted me to work the bike for 7 mins but I was only able to do 4. My thighs were killing me. She massaged my back and neck and gave me yet another tennis ball to work out the knots in my back. She said to use a pillow case to get the ball where it needed to be. It worked so will do that.

I ordered groceries but was so fucking tired. Pain seized up my leg, ankle, and foot so I wasn’t able to bring them.up the stairs. My sister brought up some then flipped out when she saw I bought more breakfast biscuits. Don’t know why it is her business but she literally went off the handle and I’m the one in therapy. The aggravation did *wonders* for my pain so now I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning.

I get paid tomorrow so I am going to buy some whiskey. I need to get drunk. Just hope I don’t drunk text my therapist.

Kitten with teddy bear

Here is a cute pic of a tabby kitten with a teddy bear in blue striped pajamas. It was part of a video and I screen shotted the end. It was so cute when the owner handed the kitten the bear. The excitement was adorable. Makes me smile.