Category: bipolar

One thing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

One thing

I am having a lazy day and there has been stuff that I need to do. So I did just one thing, brought my recycles down to the recycle bin. Now I don’t have empty bottles of water and powerade around my room.

I am getting a little worried. I haven’t peed in more than 8 hours now despite drinking. I am worried that I am retaining because of the increase in my muscle relaxer last night. It can happen, I was warned this could happen. Muscle relaxers and broken nerves sometimes have the opposite affect. I am trying to drink water as I know within an half hour, I usually go. I will take a shower then as I desperately need one. I stink of BO really bad. I don’t use deodorant anymore because what is the point if you don’t go out all the time. Even when I do, I have to try and remember to use it but usually I am not washed so I don’t care. If I am smelly, I won’t go out until I shower, unless it is a quick run to the drug store to pick something up. Other than that, I don’t leave the house unless it is an emergency.

I am playing “Jake Owen” radio on Pandora for most of the day. Awesome country music, almost all my favorite songs. I added Ed Sheeran to the mix and they played my wedding song, or what will be my wedding song one day. That is if I ever get married. I don’t have high hopes for that happening but in case it does, I am covered.

I emailed my psychiatrist last night because I was having side effects again. I thought I would let her know that I am taking the Abilify every other night for the past two weeks because of the side effects are really wearing on me and they hurt. I told her my forearms gets spastic and my left hand clenches and I cannot open it until the Ativan kicks in. Last night was not as bad as it has been. I think taking it every other day has helped and I haven’t been psychotic, delusional, or paranoid. My think is coherent and not clustered like it sometimes get when I am delusional. I hope this continues because I really don’t want to end up in the hospital because I skipped a dose every other day. I just can’t stand the side effects. They are very uncomfortable.

I just went to the bathroom. Whoo! Now I don’t have to worry that I am retaining. It would suck to have to go to the ER to be catheterized. It is something that scares me when I don’t go more than 6 hours. I once went 12 full hours and when I went, I was mega full. I swore I had two bladders by then because I just kept on going and going. I swore I would never let that happen again. I am wearing a pad because of my menses so if I have overflow, I am not going to know. It just sucks.

I made pasta and sauce for dinner. It is my favorite meal. I could have it every day. My mother then grabs me (figuratively) and gives me a list of things to do while she goes out to my cousin’s birthday party. I got the clothes out of the dryer, folded them and put them where they belong. My next task will be done when I am finished with this blog. I have to put the cookies she made away in a container. I have to fish out the lid first. That is always fun! NOT. Then I have to put the dough away in the fridge. And finally, I need to wash the dishes I used for my dinner. PFT. I hate washing dishes with sauce. It just smells terrible when you mix soap with tomato sauce. I really hate it. But I told my mother I would do it because her back hurts her really bad today. Probably because of the weather. It is very stormy today, with high winds and rain. My ankle is throbbing but not as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe the baclofen, new medicine I am on, is helping me. I just hope it was not the cause of my retention. That would really suck!!

Day three and still no bowel accidents. I am so grateful for that. I am hoping it won’t happen again. I have been careful with eating fiber as I know that just goes right through me, literally. I have only one bowl of my mini wheats a day now and I have noticed a decrease in gas. I am so glad I figured this out, though it was the hard way to find out. But that is what cauda equina syndrome does to you. One minute you think you are passing air, and the next it’s all stool. It sucks big time.

post 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not so great day

I got an email from my elusive psychiatrist today. Apparently she fell yesterday and broke her hip. She won’t be in the office for some time so we are now email buddies. This sucks. I feel bad for her being in pain and cooped up, but I miss her, too. The doctor covering her I don’t know. So I guess my blogs are going to be sent to her to provide updates on how I am doing. It will save me from having to type twice.

I then get an email from my dear friend that his wife has breast cancer and it might be metastatic. They won’t know until they operate. I feel so useless. All I can do is send out good thoughts to both parties and hope for the best in speedy recoveries. I hope to god that the cancer is caught in time and she only needs a few treatments of chemo or radiation to help her heal. My good friend in the lab has breast cancer and it is a scary road to be on. She is currently fighting another cancer caused by the medication to prevent her cancer, weird huh? I haven’t spoken to her since she had her uterus taken out and a drain put in. It’s hard to talk to people when they don’t answer the phone or call you back. But I am thinking of her none the less. I saw her in the lab a few weeks ago when I visited. She looked good. I hope that she is good. She is a fighter and I know my friend’s wife is too.

The only good news I got today was that I sold 4 copies of my book today. That is the most that I have sold in the last 3 months. I am so glad I sold that many books and hope the sales continue to rise.

I got to make way for the AC to be taken out of the window. It is supposed to be cold this weekend, with snow a possibility and I would like my room not to freeze because I am not sure when my mother is going to turn the heat on. All ready my room is cold as measured by the temp of my water bottles. I am okay under my blankets and wearing a long sleeved T shirt. I may move to a hoodie later as I know the temp is going to drop come night fall. I would take out the AC myself but I have a bad back and I am too scared I might drop it on my toes. That would hurt and suck at the same time!

HA, I think it is funny that my sister and I have been avoiding my father for the past two days now because we know he is going to blow his stack when we tell him what we have to tell him. It isn’t going to be pleasant to listen to his roar. I can almost hear him slamming down the phone after I tell him. This is going to suck so bad but he needs to know. It’s not bad news or anything, just something he was expecting to happen next week isn’t going to happen.

I haven’t had a bowel accident in two days. Lucky me. I hope this continues. It really sucked having to change my sheets the other night and find places to put my “office” stuff. I use half of my bed as an office as I only sleep on one side. I had to take the stuff off anyway as it had been a month since I last changed the sheets. I am really bad at changing them on a consistent basis. But it hurts me too much to change them. I wish one of my sisters would help me but they can’t be bothered so I stopped asking for their help.

Despite it being cold, my pain level is okay. I think I can try and do all three PT exercises today and see what happens. Hopefully they won’t cause me too much pain.

baseball and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baseball and other things

Two pitchers that are on opposing teams have made the post season. Jake Peavy (SF Giants) and John Lackey (St. Louis Cards) used to be pitchers for the Red Sox organization and then were traded so the team could be worse. I am happy that one of them will make it to the World Series again this year. I am just having trouble rooting for one of the teams. I like both pitchers, though I am partial to Lackey because of all that he overcame with his Tommy John surgery. I am undecided for now and will wish them well until they reach the final playoffs. Then I will root for the NL team because I don’t think the Royals have what it takes to be WS champs. I could be wrong but I know with rest, team doesn’t do well when they get back into the game. I have seen it time and time again.

My ankle is absolutely being a brat today. I woke up around 6 with it hurting and it hasn’t stopped since. I don’t know what I am going to do anymore, or not do. I wanted to get some cream for coffee today but it was pouring cats and dogs out so I stayed in. It’s been a miserable, muggy day. And today I hate CES more than usual because I had a BM that caused me to have nerve pain in my bottom for the last few hours. That is driving me crazy but it seems to be dwindling now that I have taken my pain meds. I was going to take some gabapentin for it and I might tonight to help me sleep better. I am trying not to drink. I forgot to take my heartburn medicine last night and now I have heartburn up the wazzoo. I know if I drink gin, it will flare up worse than it is now.

In other news, I heard that one of my favorite pitchers wife was hacked. She had nude pics on her phone and hackers hacked the phone. Why in the world would you take nude pics of yourself?? I don’t understand it. Stop being a dumbass and things like that won’t happen!

I feel really rotten. My ankle is still being a bitch. Pain meds have lowered the pain but not by much. I am going to have a nervous breakdown if I don’t get pain relief soon. I am already on the verge of crying. It won’t take much to let myself go, especially after what happened this week. I just hope that when I buy the diapers next week, I don’t get funny glances. I would purchase them in Amazon but I would pay too much for shipping and they are more expensive. Plus they don’t have the size I want. Sucks man.

I still have to write something for this book that I am co-authoring. The ideas have been percolating in my brain but no clear thoughts have run through it. I was going to do it today but I can’t seem to write when I take pain medication. I either get hungry or I need to sleep. I will try to do it tomorrow, if I don’t get interrupted by anyone. I am expecting just one phone call tomorrow from my father’s surgeon’s secretary. He finally agreed to have surgery. I am thankful for that. Now he won’t be such a grump and be hopefully more comfortable.

I had therapy today and like all days toward the end of the week, she is quiet. She was animated yesterday but today she was quiet. I really didn’t want to talk to her. By half way through session, I was thinking about hanging up on her. But I knew she would call back and I would hate that. I don’t remember much of what we talked about, only that we talked about my blog and the last blog I sent her about being mad at her. I think we are going to be seeing less of each other next week as next week I got a few days where I am taking my father for doctors appointments. I just hope that I can squeeze her in on Thursday. Otherwise, we are not talking that week. And that will suck.

Random 747

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.