Category: blogging

Saturday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up last night after sleeping after dinner. It was around 2230 and then I stayed up till 0300. I tried transferring music from my phone to my external 64GB card but it kept giving me errors. I finally finished the transfer. Took five tries, but I got it done. I just hope it works when I play it on my new phone. I also transferred all my pics on my current phone to the card.

I had my groceries delivered today. Luckily, everything I ordered was in stock. Last time, my hamburger buns weren’t in. I am craving a weird sandwich. Just with hamburger bun, cheddar cheese, and pickles. I had hamburgers last night and a steak for lunch so I am good with meat right now. Guess I just want a meatless sandwich. I also got my S’Mores cookies. They are really good but they are sweet. And the package is smaller than a regular Oreo package. Kind of disappointing.

I have been feeling kind of depressed the past day or so. I pulled a chest muscle while moving the powerade to another room in my house. I always seem to pull this chest muscle whenever I lift anything heavy. It sucks. Doesn’t help my mood. Course, according to the experts, people with depression are more likely to die from heart attack or stroke. Just what I always remember when my chest hurts. I am not having any other symptoms of a heart attack, like shortness of breath, pain down my arm, or sweating or feeling nauseous. My ankle hurts, a lot, today because I have been doing the stairs more. Seems every time I get up to my room, I realize I forgot something or have to go to the bathroom. It is so frustrating. I don’t know why my bladder can’t tell me I need to go when I am on the lower level. It has to wait until I am comfy in my bed to let me know it has to go.

I didn’t have coffee today. I had a plan to make it but after I had the steak, I really didn’t want it anymore. So I am tired. But that could be the pain meds talking. I had to take one to get my ankle pain under control. I might have to take another pill as one just doesn’t seem to be doing it.

I can’t wait to listen to the Sox game tonight. I missed it yesterday because I slept. I caught the 8th inning and they were losing 5-4. Final score was 7-4 so I didn’t miss much. Bullpen came apart from what I gather. I am so sick of losing but it’s something to do while doing nothing.

Apart from the groceries being delivered and tangling with my computer to make files transfer, I haven’t done anything today. I have been meaning to read Dostoevsky but I just don’t have the brain power. I really just want to nap until game time. I ordered a self help book in my last order from Amazon. I really can’t wait to read it.

I haven’t thought about my writing activity from my therapist in the last few days. I think I am going to just write it up on paper and then type it up so I can “blog” it. She gave me the perimeters on what to write. I don’t like them but I will try and do it anyway. I will probably start sometime tonight, after the game.

Random 284

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up early this morning, around 0630. I did a few errands, including grocery shopping. I needed some more powerade and it was on sale this week. After that, I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast and coffee. They just came out with a NEW Brazil coffee and oh my god, is it good! It’s like drinking chocolate milk! I love it. I bought a bag of the old Brazil because I didn’t want to run out. My summer coffee will the new Brazil, iced! I am so happy I have a coffee that I like again.

I did some writing but then I got really sleepy. Taking pain medication before leaving the house will do that. So I went to the meat market and got some burgers for dinner tonight. I really wanted to buy cod but it was way too expensive. I bought it a few weeks ago when it was only around eight dollars. Now it was between thirteen and fourteen dollars! My mother would have killed me if I bought it. So I didn’t.

On the way to the Square, my father’s doctor’s office called with his lab results. Not good. He has to stop taking his medication for a few days and then go back to taking it on Sunday. UGH. My little plan of doing nothing didn’t work. I hope they call the lab that goes to his apartment so I don’t have to take him to the lab like I did yesterday.

I was in a foul mood when I came home. Everything was annoying me. The hamper that I need to clean out was bugging me and overwhelming me. My foot hurt really bad, the bad one, not the one I banged up. I was tired. I felt like I could cry. I didn’t cry but I just took an Ativan and went to sleep. Then the text messages and phone calls kept coming in. For crying out loud!! My sister called saying there was no power at the school and would I be available to pick up my niece should they cancel school. I said I would. She said she would text me if I needed to pick her up. And wouldn’t you know, everyone and their mother decided to text me after that point. It was all my Twitter stuff. I get text messages from the people I follow and they were tweeting up a storm. Fucking figures. Then I was getting retweets and favorites for the tweets that I sent out. I get text messages for those as well. I should have just shut the phone off but my luck, my sister would have texted me and I would have missed it. I fell asleep after the mayhem, for an hour or two. I still am tired but I think that is because I haven’t had lunch yet. I just had the rest of a vegan chocolate chip cookie that was left over from last night’s dinner. It was good but it wasn’t enough to fill me up. I will be eating dinner with my mother soon, which is why I was hoping the cookie would stave off the hunger for a little while.

My sister was telling me a story last night. They are building a new condo place down the street from me. The construction people are having difficulty because it’s all slate rock. Now there has been talk of blasting the place so they can dig deeper to build an underground garage. That is crazy. How can they blow up something in a residential neighborhood?? I really don’t want to hear the explosions. I will protest it. I am the one that has to hear the noise because I don’t work and am home more than half the time. I remember when I was working at the hospital, the people across the street did the same thing. They blasted their way to get to do what they need to do. The noise was awful. And I am sure it was no good for the patients. This went on for several days. I hated it. It sounded like a war zone or something. I really hope it doesn’t happen in my neighborhood. It will really suck.

My mother will be cooking! YAY! I hate cooking. I don’t mind the actual cooking part, I just HATE the clean up part.

I just got a retweet on my blog that I wrote last night. It was about my suicidal self being expressed. Apparently, I just need to find god and he will “save me”. I also need to take my responsibilities seriously. Whatever.

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spilled Coffee Kind of Day.

I was walking, slowly, to put my coffee down on the counter and as I was walking, I spilled the damn thing. It went onto my sock, the floor, everywhere. I am pissed. I blame my mother, who was cooking bacon for this fiasco. If she wasn’t in the kitchen, I probably would have not spilled a drop. Great way to start off the day. Could have been much worse. My sister nearly ran over a runner that came out of no where as we were trying to make a turn down the street. Thankfully she is ok and not hurt.

I have to deal with my fricken father today. I need to take him for blood work. He was supposed to see his doc today but they messed up the schedule when I rescheduled his appointment. Dumbfuckers. Did I mention how much I hate his office? His doctor is a jerk and I really dislike him more than his office staff. So now I have three hours before I have to see my father, who I also dislike. He just annoys me to no end.

I have to get my brother in law to put in the AC in my room today. There is no way I can survive another day in this humid hell. I will sleep in my sister’s car if that is what it takes to get my AC in my room. And this is only the beginning of summer. I bought swim trunks this morning. I hope they will motivate me to go to the public pool when it opens the end of June. I just hope they fit.

I have been up since 0500. But I slept good, so I can’t really complain. I got about 6.5 hours, which is like a record for me. I probably won’t sleep tonight because I was up early. I don’t know why I made coffee. I could have gone to Starbucks and avoided my coffee spill fiasco. Course, I think of this now. UGH. I guess I just wanted my own coffee, in my own mug, made the way I like. I made the Breakfast Blend today. I am trying to save my Brazil Nova Resende coffee as much as possible because it’s the last of the batch. When I went to Starbucks yesterday, they only had two bags. I should have grabbed one but didn’t think of it. Course I think of it now. D’OH. I might need a Starbucks run later as I have been up so early. I have the car so I can go whenever I want. I might go to Wendy’s for their spicy chicken sandwich. I don’t want the ghost pepper sauce. I am not a hot freak. I like things mild to medium. And I definitely would not like the jalapenos on it. Man, who would eat all that hotness!?

I started writing last night in my journal about the abuse but didn’t get anywhere. I think I am going to write a letter to my therapist about it. I can then print it out and then mail it to her. Which reminds me, I have several things to mail this week! I hope to get it done later today. Depends on how crazy my father gets me. My toes is still hurting me, though it isn’t as bad. The swelling has gone down but it’s still sore. I am glad my new sneakers are nice and comfy, unlike my old pair that is tight and beat up. I think they were a size too small, which made my feet hurt after a few hours. I love the new pair. If I had the money, I would get another the same model but in black. Maybe next month. I still need to get my glasses. I think that is tomorrow’s adventure. I would have done it yesterday but I forgot the glasses I want the new lenses in. I hope they are big enough to have progressive lenses and I don’t have to get a new frame. That will suck!

I am still feeling hot and yucky in my room. I hate the fricken heat. And I know it’s just the beginning of what is to come. Doesn’t help my mood any better. I really want to go to a town called Rockport this year. Only problem is that the place I want to go to is 1.3 miles from the commuter rail station. I can’t walk that far. It will hurt me. I could take a cab but I don’t know if I will be able to get one near the station. And I don’t want to be waiting around all day for one. I figure I have two hours of sight seeing before the next train goes back to Boston. There is a place called the Bulfinch House that was built by my favorite Boston architech, Charles Bulfinch. He is the one that built Mass General Hospital way back in 1811. I love his use of columns and domes. I really would love to see what this bed and breakfast place looks like. But, like I said, it is too far for me to walk and the drive would annoy me. It’s pretty far from where I live.

Another place I really want to go this summer is the Harbor Islands, specifically, George’s Island. There is nothing to do there but I love this island. It is where there is a fort, Fort Warren, which was built around the time of the Civil War. I explored it numerous times in my younger days, which is why I love it so much now. But even a cruise around the harbor would be exciting. I have never visited the other Islands in the harbor. I could do that. But we’ll see.

Ankle Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I love Grubhub. I just ordered dinner, as a treat to myself because I have been in pain the past few days. I have been hardly eating because it’s painful to go down the stairs. While I was downstairs washing what is left of my hair (had a haircut today), I stubbed my last toe on my good foot. It’s pretty swollen but I don’t think I broke it. I put ice immediately on it. I now have the ice pack on my bad ankle as it’s swollen too. I did too much today. I went to my doctor’s office and they screwed up my prescription for my blood pressure medication. I was supposed to get a hard copy and instead they sent it to the mail in pharmacy. I didn’t want that because it costs too much. The retail pharmacy where I filled it at was just $1.72! For a month’s supply. Last month I paid $10! I don’t get it. It is made by the same manufacturer but I don’t care. I saved big time. But while I was waiting, I had to stand for a good twenty minutes, which just aggravated my poor ankle. I came home to my foot and ankle swollen. So I am glad I have the ice on it now. I hope it will ease some of the pain, too.

I really wanted to get pad Thai and spring rolls from my favorite Thai restaurant in Boston but I didn’t want to wait around. I was already hurting and I forgot to call before I got my haircut. I love my haircut. It is a military crew cut. My mother is going to flip but I don’t care. If she says anything about being a boy, I will tell her I am one! I am tired of being the one getting hurt by the comments. She always has to snicker in these snide remarks and makes me feel like an asshole. I am not giving in to her snide remarks this time.

My day went fairly well, despite being held up by an incompetent medical assistant that can’t read. My psychiatrist had to cancel the appointment this morning so that went well for me as I didn’t have to rush around. I don’t see her till next week. I am tempted to give her an update but something keeps holding me back. I don’t know why, I have given her updates before our appointment so she knows ahead where my head is. I think it’s because I am afraid she might tell me to go to the emergency room for the pain I have been experiencing and I don’t want to do that. There is nothing they can do for me, other than to rule out a clot or something. I know I don’t have anything broken. Hell, my foot isn’t even red, despite being swollen. My little toe on my right foot hurts more than my regular pain right now. That is the toe I stubbed in the kitchen. It got snagged on one of the kitchen chairs. And it hurts big time. But with the ice, the swelling has gone down a little bit so I don’t think I broke it.

Therapy went smooth. I didn’t talk most of the session. I did bring up the abuse that has been running through my head the last few days. I just have difficulty talking about it because she keeps telling me it’s not my fault when I know that it is. If I had “listened” to my mother, I wouldn’t have been abused. It’s a long story that I don’t wish to publicize on this blog. Time ran out conveniently when we were arguing about this. She wants me to write it in my journal and I may just do that. I just wish some people on Twitter would have the decency to censor what they tweet about childhood sexual abuse. Just mentioning, triggered back memories I was happy not remembering.

It is so damn hot in my room. I need the AC in by tomorrow. This is getting ridiculous!! If I didn’t hurt my foot, I would have my brother in law install it tonight. But I can’t move the stuff I need to because I can’t stand. UGH, another night in a sweltering room. Even my sheets are hot, like they just came out of the dryer or something. I so wanted to take a shower tonight but between pain in both of my feet, that is kind of impossible. I just want to fucking scream. Sox better win tonight or I really will be an unhappy camper. They lost last night, 2-1. Buchholz got no run support, again. Story of the season, I tell ya! It sucks!!!