Category: blogging

TG Issues 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Had therapy today. She wasn’t as talkative today as she was yesterday. We talked about the self help book that I bought about shame and perfectionism. She asked if it had to do with trauma and I said I don’t know, I just started reading it! It is very dense so it is going to take me a while to read. Dense books I have to read in spurts or my brain gets fuzzy. We also talked about the letter that I wrote her but I had already sealed it up for mailing so couldn’t get her specifics. I know most of it is about my cousin and what he did to me. Still sickens me every time I think about it and makes me feel ashamed of myself, so maybe this new book might help with that. I also told her I found a former therapist’s address online. I only looked her up to send her my book. I think she will be proud that I wrote a book, even though the content is a little disturbing. But she is in the book so I hope she will understand.

I had sent my therapist a pic of my stupid goatee, which I will be trimming tonight when I take a shower. It’s grown past its tolerable length. She likes it on me. I like it too, but think it’s stupid because I have a space in between. A real man would just have it continuous. She said testosterone would fill it in. I am thinking about taking testosterone supplements. I might run it past my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I didn’t tell my therapist these thoughts because she is not a doctor. I figure I might bypass the whole having to go to a doctor for T. With my pituitary problem, it should be that hard to produce more T, which is why I can grow a goatee to begin with. We also talked a little about Jenner. There is no way you cannot talk about her as she is in the news big time! What angers me is that people are saying she is “heroic”. There is nothing “heroic” about coming out as TG. It’s a hard process. It is courageous and brave, especially to go public like she has, but not “heroic”. It’s like Chaz, Cher’s son. He came out and was in the lime light for a while and then went back to being under the radar. Same will happen with Jenner, eventually.

I wish I could come out like Jenner. I am envious, but then she has the money to do the changes and I don’t. I don’t even know if it is covered under my insurance. Course, I have to go forward to find out. The biggest thing for me is to get rid of my damn breasts. I hate looking at them, I hate the way they feel on me, and I hate that they are asymmetrical. It just really makes me hate myself because it only reinforces what I am not, just like my menses.

I went off on my mother today for the first time ever. She wanted me to do the dishes but I wanted to write. She then called me lazy. I don’t know what the hell the big deal was. It wasn’t like the sink was overflowing with dishes. Just pissed me off and I said that it hurt me to be called lazy. She then asked, You aren’t lazy? in her sarcastic voice. I got wicked angry. Now she is calling me because dinner is ready. I swear she doesn’t take my writing seriously. Course, with my book published, I really haven’t made that much money, which is all she really cares about. I really hate living with an unsupportive parent but I have no choice. I can’t live on my own because it just costs too much and I can’t work like I used to because I am disabled. It just really sucks.

Random 710

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My therapist was wicked talkative today. I don’t know what got into her. She just was very inquisitive today. It made the session go by fast. We talked about a situation I am in with a certain person. I don’t know how to handle it. My therapist prefers that I don’t but I fear the longer I don’t have contact with this person, the worse it will be. I had to laugh because she kept on saying stuff that indicated stigma. I wanted to bring it out to her so I might give her the blog with what she was saying. She also was asking when will I be mailing her the letter I wrote and I blanked out on her. I totally forgot about the abuse letter I wrote the other night. I might work on it tonight and then mail it out tomorrow. That will be next week’s topic.

I figured out why the Otterbox didn’t fit my phone. It’s the wrong one and because I have had it so long, I can’t return it. So I am trying to sell it. If anyone needs an Otterbox for an S5 ACTIVE phone, let me know. I really should read when I buy things. Now I don’t have a case for my phone. I am tempted to use the box until I sell it but it is such a pain getting the phone in and out of the case! I am not going out today but might tomorrow. I will have to use it to protect it. I finally transferred my ringtones to my phone. My therapist’s ring is now the old one instead of the generic one I had. The sad part is that I don’t have my Star Trek tones in the folder. I am going to have to download the app again to get it. It annoys my mother when the communicator beep goes off for my text messages.

It’s a really damp and cold day out. You would think June would be warm but it’s fucking cold! I like it but it makes me sleepy and want to go back under the covers to get warm. Like predicted, I am sore as all hell from the 2 mile walk I took yesterday. My back, hip, and calves are hurting me. I have been resting most of the day, except to go down to the cold kitchen to make something to eat. My kitchen doesn’t have good installation so it gets really cold in cold weather. You might as well be outside.

I had a bowel attack while I was having therapy today. It was not fun. I don’t understand why, as I had already gone like an hour or two before. I think even though I have seen my therapist for years, I still get nervous talking to her and that brings about a bowel attack. Luckily, I didn’t lose it. I don’t know how, probably because the stools were hard. That has been my saving grace. Got to love CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. NOT.

I’m still in a depression so have decided to stay off of FB as much as possible. I left a status saying that I will be on Twitter if anyone cares. Some of my friends are on Twitter so I know they will talk to me if they need me. I am just tired of the idiotic postings on FB. Especially of the poor dog that had tape around his muzzle. That really disgusted me. I had to remove the post. I don’t understand why people have to post things like that. There are very few things that get me but posting a sick baby with tubes all over him/her is one of the creepiest pics. Okay, we get your kid is sick. No need to post it to the internet, because I will just gloss over it and keep scrolling. Or report if for gross content. There were some porn covers from books that I had to report to remove them. You wants to see a couple having sex on the cover is just gross. I will not buy that book. Not like I am into that thing anyway. I am too much of a nerd to be interested in that kind of erotica. Speaking of books, I just realized, I haven’t gotten my latest shipment. I gave away my last book so needed more so I could send it to my former therapist.

Today would have been my parents 43rd wedding anniversary. They have been divorced for at least 20 years. I don’t know why it still bothers me but it does. I understand that it had to happen. It is one of the main reasons why I started going to therapy. Tomorrow is my favorite Uncle’s birthday. He would have been 101. I miss him very much.

Night Rants

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Night Rants

I am having a hard time sleeping because I am so pissed off. A friend of mine commented on my 😦 profile pic on Facebook, saying that I “should get rid of that shit and put on the other pic” as it wasn’t me. My experiment is a success. People cannot tolerate another’s sadness. It has to go underground in order for people to ignore it. Well, I am keeping the profile pic up. I responded with “if you don’t like my profile pic, unfriend me. I don’t need negativity in my life. This is how I feel on a regular basis so if you can’t deal with it, BYE!” I then got a response saying that they like the “smiling” face better. I am tired of the fake smiles. She obviously didn’t get the point I was/am trying to make. It is so frustrating.

Then I was in a chat where a fella was arguing about suicide training. I really wanted to ask him if he had any training, whatsoever, that made him think he was superior than what my friend was trying to make in her statements. That really, really ticked me off. It’s bad enough that I can’t see my therapist because she is miles and miles away from me because I don’t have a car. I can’t see someone close to me because I don’t have the right “criteria” to be seen. I am too much of a high risk because of my suicidal history. I kid you not. When I found out that my therapist was making her home office 30 miles away from me, I called not one, not two, not three therapists but 10!!! And they ALL said the same thing. They would refer me to another therapist or clinic. One therapist, to be fair, I couldn’t see because she was on the 3rd floor of an apartment building with no elevator and I couldn’t make it up the stairs. So she said happy hunting. I wish I could have seen my Twitter buddy that is in the town over by me. Maybe he would be helpful to me, even though, at the time, we weren’t Twitter buddies. I wasn’t even active in Twitter land. My psychiatrist even tried finding me a therapist and that didn’t work out. You just mention suicide and there is a shut down of communication. Or people go berserk and flip out into hyperdrive. The question on the table that started it all was if a patient was in distress, should a healthcare provider respond to that distress on social media (social media are things like Facebook and Twitter). It was an interesting discussion but after a while, I lost interest. I had nothing to comment on and what I did, it wasn’t being responded to. I left half way through the chat.

I texted my “hubby” about people being jerks and he responded on my FB page about it. I had to laugh. It was so out of context it was funny. I call him my “hubby” because of an old joke I played on a coworker. She didn’t know I was gay and when my friend (hubby) and I started to have dinner together, she thought we were married because I had my claddaugh ring on my 4th finger on my left hand. She thought it was a wedding band. Since then, he became my hubby, though if his ex-wife ever found out, I think I would be dead.

My foot is starting to bother me and maybe I should listen to the voices telling me to take my pain medication. I hate taking the pills because they are so bitter. I have to swallow them quickly or they begin to melt, causing them to further be difficult to swallow. I would take them but I feel sick, probably because I haven’t took my night time meds and I am still not sleep. I sometimes get nauseous if I am sleepy and can’t sleep. But my tummy is doing flip flops for some reason. I don’t think it liked the combination of cole slaw and potato salad. I think I will stop here. I ran out of gas for my rants anyways.

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!