Category: chronic physical pain

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!

A Productive Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

A Productive Day

For the first time all year, I was able to shower, get dressed, and go out. I went to Starbucks, had my coffee, and edited one of my blogs that I hope to put in my short story book. I then picked up my niece and to my surprise, I wasn’t fatigued, horribly, when I got home. My ankle was aching but it was not killing me. I feel pretty good about this. It remains to be seen whether I will have pain later tonight.

I had a bit of a scare today. When I came to my room to work on my blog, I found that WordPress was down. I still cannot load it on IE (internet Explorer) but it loads on my phone so that is good. And I can get the operational aspect of the blog working in Chrome, so I am hoping this post posts without difficulty.

I got new music today from Luke Bryan. I really shouldn’t have, but I love Luke and his music. I also am planning on trying to finish this Civil War book sometime in the next week or so. I am up to page 700 and have about 100 or so pages to finish it. I am not going to read the afterword or Epilogue. I am just going to read the chapters of the book and that is all. Then I am going to start Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. I am going to take a break from history for a while after this Civil War book. It has been so tedious. I was thinking about writing a review for it but someone already wrote what I was thinking! Great minds think alike.

I am glad I got to edit one of my blogs that I am putting in my new book. Now I just have to enter the edits. It shouldn’t take long. I just have one line that I need to rewrite. I highlighted to have me thinking about rewording it. It definitely needs some work, so I will try and work on it sometime this week.

I hope this productivity that I am feeling lasts. The last few days had sucked because I could barely get myself out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep and today I was able to do things. I am not manic or even hypomanic but I am feeling good. I still feel sort of depressed, though. At least twice today, I have thought about killing myself or just wondering what it would be like not to be alive anymore. It’s hard to believe that it’s now 2000 and I am not tired or sleepy like I have been in the past. I had a coffee today rather than an espresso drink. I am feeling wired. Maybe I am in a mixed state, but without the agitation.

I was able to get my recycles and a box out of my room. I hope to get another box out of my room tomorrow. I think that will help ease some of the clutter in my room. I can’t do anything about the clothes in my room. I have no where to put them so they will have to stay where they are.

Last night I was so depressed, I couldn’t bring myself to print out my blogs and the short story I just finished. Every time I thought about getting out of bed to put the paper in the printer, plug in the printer to my laptop, just wore me out just thinking about it. This morning, I had more energy so was able to print off the stuff I needed to. It didn’t seem like a chore like it was last night.

Last night I was in a very depressed mood. If I had a place to hang myself in my room, I probably would have gone through with it. I was in such a nasty depressed/suicidal mood. And today it is like night and day. I am feeling good but in a down sort of way. I don’t know what causes me to feel so bad at times. My appetite is still down. All I had to eat today was a sandwich at Starbucks. I am not really hungry for anything, though I am thinking about the jelly donut my brother-in-law gave me. I was going to have that in the morning but it might be my supper. But if I do eat, I think I will have a protein bar. I think that will be a better idea than a jelly donut. I just don’t feel hungry and food is the furthest thing from my mind. I would rather contemplate killing myself than eat something. I don’t know. It’s not like I have lost weight. My pants still fit me the same. I never lose weight like I used to. I think if I was more active, I might be able to lose more weight. But with a bum ankle, being active is difficult.

I don’t know why I feel really good today. I don’t even feel tired. I feel kind of like on cloud nine but I haven’t taken anything to make me feel this way. I hope this lasts. If I feel down tomorrow, I might be cycling, which is not good. Being bipolar sucks. You never know what kind of mood you are going to be in.

Tired Funk

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I really wanted to go out today but my need for sleep overrode my desire to leave my bed. I slept pretty good so I don’t know why I am so tired. I kept on giving myself times to get ready, like I will take the 1 pm bus. When that didn’t work out, I said I would take the 2 pm bus. That didn’t work out either. So now it’s too late for coffee but I might make a cup of tea. I think that will get me out of this tired funk I am in.

Only thing that I did today was make pancakes. I still am full from them. I don’t have an appetite. My mother is making her stuffed chicken breasts tonight. Just glad I don’t have to fend for myself. Otherwise I would not eat.

I feel depressed today for some reason. With my plans canceled tomorrow, I have nothing to do. I have therapy tonight. Just hope that I can be awake enough for it to make sense.

I read a blog today about how this blogger finally got her psych diagnosis, from a psychiatrist. It was something she wasn’t expecting but sounded like her and her therapist were ready to handle it. She was really mad that she has PTSD. She didn’t say how she got it, and I didn’t go fishing through her blog to find out. Anyone can have PTSD. I even have it, though it’s not prominent in my life. I don’t get flashbacks anymore, only when my pain flares up and I can’t move my toes. That is really the only time I will start flipping out and take Ativan. I will take Ativan for spasms, too. But it’s rare these days as my pain is well controlled. The last time I remember having PTSD symptoms was when I was in the hospital and I was in severe pain.

Seeing as I am not doing anything tomorrow, I might get my haircut. I just have to figure out of I want to get it cut in my town or in Boston. I probably will have it done at in my town as I can just come home and shower afterwards. It’s always a pain when I want to get my haircut because I sometimes don’t get it the way that I want it cut. And it all comes down to gender haircuts. I prefer a male haircut because I am male. Yet I have a body of a woman so I get stereotyped. I often get a double take when I say I want a double zero on the back and sides and short and spiky on top. I don’t understand why they can’t follow my directions. I know what I want and I know what I like, so why are you giving me a funny look? I am tempted to go to downtown Boston because I really liked the girl that gave me my cut last time but with my fatigue and the walking involved, I don’t think I can make it. The weather is supposed to be warmer so maybe I will. I don’t know.

I still have yet to empty my recycles or throw away another box like I said I would. I don’t know how I got a collection of boxes in my room. I still have the printer box but I am going to hang on to that one just in case something goes wrong with it. Problem is, my brother in law has moved the recycle bin to his back porch rather than the front. So now I have to go down the stairs and through his house, to get to the recycle bin. It’s a pain in the ass.

Sleepy Sunday 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Yesterday my blog reach 139 views, the second most views it has had in quite a while. I was very happy.

Pain kept me up most of the night. I didn’t go to bed till at least 0300 or after. And to my surprise, I slept till 1500! I have never slept that late in a long time. I had something to eat and then I went back to bed. I am just so very tired. I didn’t do anything special to sleep, which is weird. Usually I take something, like Neurontin, and I can sleep for hours on end but this time I didn’t. I guess I really needed to sleep.

Needless to say, I got nothing done today, except today’s blog. I was going to join a chat but I fell asleep, again. I just took my night meds, some of them, so I should be going to sleep soon. Surprisingly, I am not in as much pain as I was last night. Last night was horrible. I was in so much pain I couldn’t do anything. Any type of movement with my ankle just brought more pain. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. That was a trick I hope I don’t have to learn again.

Because I was in la la land most of the day, my pill box didn’t get refilled. I will do that tomorrow. I have nothing to do all day except for my therapy appointment in the evening. In fact, other than therapy and my pdoc appt this week, nothing else is in the roster. So I can watch baseball games! I watched the last 2 ½ innings of the spring training game today. We won 6-3, even though the other team out hit us. I guess the other team gave away more walks than they should have, and it proved costly.

I finished typing the short story about psychosis last night. I am so happy to have that done. It really took a lot out of me to type up. I plan on editing it and then deciding if I want to publish it on my blog or just keep it non-published until it becomes part of the book I am making.

I really hate dry skin. I feel so itchy all over the place and I know it’s because of the dryness. It happens every winter, and is worse after a shower. I try to put lotion on but there are spots, like my back, that I can’t reach. I try to use a different soap to wash up with when it gets really bad. That usually helps until it wears off. Then I am scratching again.

I am going to try and change the linen this week. It’s always a arduous task but a necessary one. I haven’t quite decided if I am going to change in to my fleece sheets or my regular sheets. I still have a few days to think about it because I have to take the stuff off my bed to change the bed. Stuff like my journal and books. I sleep only on half my bed. The other half is my “office”.

I am also going to try and get a haircut this week. I just haven’t decided where to go to get it. I can go to the local barber shop but lately, they haven’t been cutting it as short as I would like. I have been going to Supercuts. The last time I went there, they did a good job, but it was at a location in Boston, not the one that is near my psychiatrist’s place. If I wait till Friday, that will be ok. I should be able to get up early and get my haircut before the appointment.

While I was up between naps, I made something to eat. Guess you can say it was lunch and dinner rolled into one. Made cinnamon rolls and then chicken nuggets. It was good. Then I went back to sleep.