Category: chronic physical pain

hyped up and hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hyped up and hypo again

So the past week I have been in a hopeless, depressed mood. Now today, I had my coffee, nothing different, and I am feeling hypomanic. I am so hyped up and I don’t know why. I got done all the errands I needed to do. My foot is thanking me kindly because it didn’t like the extra trip I made to get a few legal pads so I can write. I am running low on my paper. I didn’t get that much sleep last night. I slept maybe 5 hours, if that. I had to get up early for my eye appointment. It went well and as I suspected, my vision has changed and I need new glasses. I got two prescriptions, one for reading and one for bifocals. Don’t know where I am going to get the money for both these glasses. I might not be able to get my sunglasses like I want to. But we’ll see next month how much everything will cost. I will shop around for the cheapest price. I have no choice.

I started a letter to my therapist last night. I really don’t want to read it. I know it started off with the usual pleasantries and then went off the deep end. I was in a real mood last night, which is why I can’t explain why I am in a good mood today. But I will take it. I also wrote about stopping my meds. Whenever I get really hopeless, I think the meds are useless and why bother taking them. I won’t stop the abilify because I can’t afford to become psychotic again. I will need to go in the hospital. Hell, the way things are going, I might be headed there again.

I am not doing anything else today except picking up my prescription later today. And I might get a bag of potato chips. Been craving them but thing is, I will eat the whole bag. I will get a small bag if they have the kind I am wanting. I went to the stationary store today to get a few legal pads. And because I am a pen freak, got two pens. I wasn’t planning on it. I really wanted the Zebra 301 in blue but all they had was black so instead I got the V-Ball black and blue. I am very particular about my pens. I usually just write in black ink exclusively. But lately, I have been wanting to write in different colored inks. I got my JetStream in different colors but will only write when it’s not in my journal, though I have written at least one entry in turquoise. I have a lavender colored pen that I have been wanting to use. Maybe I will write my therapist with that pen.

I really need to rest my ankle/foot. It will flare up on me and if I don’t stay on top of the pain, I am fucked. I can’t wait for my new sneakers to come because the ones that I have feel too small, even though they are my size. It’s probably because my foot swells and then becomes uncomfortable by the end of the day. Hence why I need new sneakers. According to their delivery schedule, they should arrive tomorrow with the mail. I don’t think I will be going out tomorrow, but that could change. I really need a day to chill as I have been going out most of this week. It hasn’t been long hours, but baking those cookies really took a lot out of me and now I am paying the price. I should be ok with my meds and rest, but with me feeling so hyped up, it’s hard to stay still. I want to do things. I want to go out, but I really need to listen to my foot and it is saying stay put or you will die. UGH, I hate feeling this way. Hopefully, my pain meds will mellow me out some.

I wrote a draft to my psychiatrist saying I got the brilliant idea of stopping my meds and gave the reasons for it. Now I don’t feel that way so I am glad I didn’t send it. I don’t feel like that now. I feel too good, a little too, too good. I might take an extra oxcarb tonight to see if that helps settle these mood swings. One thing about bipolar is having to deal with the extremes. It drives me crazy to be at the bottom of an abyss one day (like last night) and then feel on top of the world the next day. I feel like I can do anything, well, except fly. I feel like writing my psychiatrist and telling her I am back up again. I bet she is going to think what the hell is going on, just like I am wondering. But it’s been more than ten years since I have had these mood swings. I have been on the same mood stabilizer for years and sometimes it needs tweaking. I still am like WTF is happening to me. Only because when I crash, I crash hard and become immensely suicidal. Right now suicide is farthest from my mind, but it could come back in the next few days. I don’t think I am cycling, another part of this lovely disorder. The hypo and depression are too far apart. But I have gone through this before where I am hypo, psychotic, depressed, and then the pattern repeats. It has been years since this last happened and I ended up in the hospital because each crash was more serious than the previous one. I think that was when I ended up in the detox unit of a psych ward because there were no other beds available. God that hospitalization was awful. I hated the psychiatrist and boy was she dumb. She thought one of the antidepressants that I was on was an antibiotic. And she thought that Vioxx wasn’t a COX2 inhibitor. I knew more about the meds she was prescribing than she did. And she resented me for it. I should have filed a complaint with the medical board for her treatment of me but I never did. I will NEVER go back to that ward, even it was the last bed on the planet.

Baking and upsetting things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have had a painful day. I saw my father after picking up his dry cleaning. My ankle is killing me because I then baked cookies and then cleaned up the mess, washing dishes/pans. I thought I would bake two batches, but it was a pain taking them off the pan after they cooled that I don’t think I will be making cookies again for a long time. I still haven’t had dinner yet. I am too full on cookies and cookie dough. It’s hard not eating the dough while making cookies. If someone can not do this, I give them credit. I didn’t substitute the oatmeal like I wanted to because you had to sift the flour. They came out very good, even though it was a pain taking them off the pan. Oh, and I used Giardelli chocolate chips, which made them really chocolaty.

Doesn’t look like I will be having a therapy session today. I am still hurting, psyche wise. I feel bad for the people of the German plane that went down. And am very sad that a suicidal person took the lives of 149 people to do his deed. I just never understand it. Then I read today that a 13 year old shot his 6 year old brother to death, injured his other brother, then killed himself. How does a 13 year old get a gun?? Why wasn’t it locked up and out of the reach of their kids? Just kills me. But I still believe the more they show things like this in the news, the more it will happen. And it has. There are more and more stories of murder/suicide today than there were a few years ago. Ever since Columbine, you are hearing more stories like this.

Ankle is absolutely furious with me right now. I don’t think I am going to make dinner. Last night, I ordered pizza, late. I will have that if I can make the stairs to the kitchen. I don’t feel like making a hamburger and then cleaning up again. My ankle hurts too much.

I got a message from one of my friends saying she read something and is concerned about me. Then I haven’t heard back when I responded. I had no clue what she was talking about. I posted lyrics and ordering pizza last night so not sure what is to be “concerned” about.

Well, I just fucked up my checking account. After everything clears, I will probably be in the negative because I paid my cell phone bill, TWICE. I paid online through their website AND through bill pay with my checking account. I totally forgot I did that because my memory is not that great anymore. FUCK. I am glad I checked my account before I made any purchases. Oh this blows. I really thought I would have money to give my brother in law for his birthday this year but it doesn’t look like I will even afford a fucking card. I swear I need a CPA or someone to manage my finances because I fucking suck at it. Just when I thought I was on top of things. Least I don’t have to worry about a cell bill next month. That is an extra $90 in my pocket. Now I wish I didn’t purchase my sneakers.

I got my eye appointment tomorrow. I hope the copay isn’t $40. I will be screwed, but I got to get my eyes checked. I have already made an appointment and canceled three times. I can’t do it again. I know I will need new glasses. That’s an expense for next month. I really want to get glasses with either polarized lenses or just get glasses and a pair of sunglasses. I don’t want to get transition lenses again, even though I really like them. I just can’t afford them this time around. Last time I got glasses it cost me $600. I am hoping it costs half that this time.

Push

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain

Still in a bad mood. Don’t feel like talking much to anyone. Even my therapist got my growls today. I feel hungover but I haven’t had alcohol. I was hoping coffee would wake me up but it didn’t, least not yet. I bought my new coffee, which I hope to have tomorrow morning. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my hair cut again or not. I have to do an errand for my father tomorrow before I go to his house and will be walking right by the barber’s shop. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I made an appointment for my eyes for Friday morning. I will then pick up my prescription for my pain meds. I haven’t decided when to make my cookies. I got all the stuff I needed yesterday after my therapy appointment. I even got bacon just because it was there.

I told my therapist I need to get a new pair of sneakers. But they are freaking expensive. I haven’t had the luxury of buying sneakers in three years. And now that I don’t need to wear the AFO, I can get regular sneaks. I used to have to buy one size bigger than the other so the AFO can fit, which meant buying two pairs. It sucked because I had an unmatched pair.

Foot and leg are hurting today. I might end up taking some pain meds and call it a day. I thought I would have energy after my coffee to make cookies but I don’t. My mother will be making dinner soon so I really can’t be messing up the kitchen now. Maybe later tonight. I am still waiting for the butter to get soft. I forgot to take it out last night. I bought both the Giardelli and Hershey’s chocolate chips as I just couldn’t decide which one to get. I plan on making two batches of cookies. Whether that will be one tonight and one tomorrow, or both tomorrow, remains to be seen. I really don’t have the energy to do much of anything. Just going out today for lunch and a coffee was difficult. I didn’t even write in my journal like I usually do.

I think my therapist wants more letters as she wants me to write about my broken heart. No one caused it, least not that I know of. I just know my heart feels like it has been broken in two and I don’t know why I feel this way. Just one day a few weeks ago, I was in immense pain and I have been like that ever since. My psychiatrist is back in business so I don’t have to worry whether I am going to see her ever again. I am sure I can call her and make an appointment sooner than two weeks if I need to. But I don’t want to be seen. How can you describe your heart being broken into millions of pieces when there is no cause? I haven’t suffered a loss. Sure, my game is ended but my heart broke before I found out. I just am so incredibly sad. Baseball season is going to start next week so I should be in better spirits. But as I recall last year, I was feeling the same as I am feeling today. I have no interest in baseball right now, and anyone that knows me, knows that is not a good thing. But I also have no interest in writing about it. I might write her a letter tonight and then post it as a blog password protected. This just saves me from using a stamp in mailing her a letter.

Back to Being Depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to being depressed

The hypomanic stuff has finally worked its way out of my system. They don’t last too long. I was lucky to have it for as long as I did. I miss it already. But I am still being productive. I saw my psychiatrist today. She looks good and I think she was happy to see me. It is much better meeting in person than talking via email! She gave me the run down on her issues. She isn’t back full time yet, just working three days a week. I forgot to ask her about her pager so I sent her an email. I haven’t heard back yet. I gave her the run down of how the last few days have been and asked if I am managing it ok. It was so difficult without talking to her first. But she said I kept her in the loop and that I managed okay. I still am struggling and I asked her if this was to continue. She just said “we’ll see”. It’s not that often that I have a hypomanic episode. I get one every few years, though this is my second one since being on the remeron. While I was in the hospital in August, and a few days of starting the remeron, I had great euphoria, the complete opposite of what I came in for (being suicidal). It only lasted about 18 hours. This time it lasted a little bit longer than that. I am just waiting for the big crash. I know that is coming, I just don’t know when.

Today was colder than it has been all week. Tomorrow is supposed to be raining so I don’t think I will be going out. I have been out almost every day this week, only exception being Monday when I was in sleep/depression land. I picked up my niece today, which I think is the straw that is going to break the camel’s back. My calves are killing me. Between my house and her school, there are a lot of little hills. It took a lot out of me and I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. But I don’t mind because I am not planning on going out. Only reason I might go out is to get my prescription I dropped off at the pharmacy. I still have enough pills to get me through the weekend so if I don’t go tomorrow, I can certainly go Sunday.

My new Bluetooth headphones came today. They are much more comfortable than the other pair that I had. Next week I will test them out while walking. My old pair didn’t do too well but then they are nearly 5 years old. I hope the mic works well. I haven’t tried it out yet. The only thing that sucks about this headset is that you need a laptop to charge it. Not really going to be useful while I am in the hospital, if I should happen to get admitted again.

I am preparing myself for getting a new phone in the upcoming months. I bought a micro 64GB card and an otterbox. Both items were on sale so I didn’t feel bad buying them. And the cool thing about the 64GB is that I can also use it as a USB drive. I am going to get the Galaxy S5. But I am going to wait until the S6 comes out to Sprint before buying it because I would hate to pay $200 when I could pay half that or less. I am due an upgrade as it has been more than two years since my last one. I just don’t know if I want to spend $200 on a phone that is likely to become “old” in 6 months. My phone still works but lately it has been freezing and I have had to shut it down a few times to get it working right again. I just hope that all my songs I can transfer without a “licensing” issue. It will really suck to have to either buy the songs again or not be able to download it through Amazon’s MP3 player. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.