Category: chronic physical pain

Enchanted

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, psychache, psychosis

Enchanted

I forgot where I was going with this. Not having a good time right now. Side effects and mixed states do not mix. But this song always reminds of the night I shook David Jobes’ hand after he read my Ten Faces poster at the 41st AAS annual conference. The video is a little dizzying as the slow mo can make you feel sick so if you suffer from motion sickness, I would not recommend watching it!

I hate feeling cooped up yet zonked at the same time. I want to sleep but my arms are spastic. And I am just annoyed. Annoyed at everyone in my family today. I got “yelled” at by practically every member of the family today and I do not like it. I did what I could with my father and his appointment but if he doesn’t open his mouth, who am I to put words in it? Then my mother thinks I am her cook. She wanted me to make pasta for her lentil soup but I felt drowsy so slept. She then calls me asking where I was after she got annoyed with her sister. Today was not a good day with family. I just want to go to sleep but I am too agitated by side effects. Even as I am typing this my hand is cramping and it is quite painful. Fucking abilify. I emailed my psychiatrist and told her what was going on. I told her about the delusions and how isolated I have become. Still no response from her. I will be shocked if I get one. I just am glad I have therapy tomorrow because I hate these mixed states more than I hate anything else. My patience is gone. My father called and blew up because he saw blood on his shirt where he had his biopsy today. He said he was “covered” but I don’t believe him. It was a tiny puncture wound. I doubt that it would bleed that much. He just called me again to say there was “blood all over the place”. Lord help me. I think I will have some gin tonight. Screw the meds. I already had my pain meds and an Ativan. My therapist will not be happy with me but fuck her. She doesn’t know what I dealt with today. And maybe I can get some decent sleep. I just want to sleep till 0800, is that too much to ask for??

tired, tired, and still tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Tired, tired, and still tired

I woke up early this morning, in pain. It was the first time in a while that I woke up with my ankle hurting me. It was about 0700 so I just took some pain medicine, answered an email, and then went back to sleep. I slept till the unheard of 1300! I couldn’t believe that I slept that late! I almost never do, not without waking up several times. I had breakfast/lunch. Then my mother told me my sister was making dinner. I had a couple of hours to play on my laptop before it was ready.

I had a quarter glass of wine with dinner. Now I am sleepy again. It wasn’t the best wine I have had but it did its job. I have been really wanting a glass of my sister’s Mark West wine but a bottle wasn’t open. I really like this wine. Maybe I will have it on another day.

I did nothing today except play my game. Ankle is still acting up on me so I really don’t want to tax it. Plus, I have been up and down the stairs a lot today so I know I am going to be in pain later tonight. I have to get up early tomorrow to meet up with my father. I hope it isn’t going to be freezing cold. And the T runs like it is supposed to. We didn’t get too much snow last night, which was good. I think the storms are behind us but you never know.

I really am feeling dizzy from the wine and want to go back to sleep. But last night I did that and it wrecked havoc on my sleep. Even though I was able to sleep till 0700 before my pain shot up, I had about 6 hours of sleep. That is usually my normal. I guess my pain meds just added a few more hours when I went back to sleep. I would take another pain pill now but I am not sure that is a good idea with the wine I had. Maybe in an hour or so.

When I came into my sister’s apartment, my mother and her were talking about me. All I heard my sister say was “maybe she is in a depression”. They abruptly stopped their conversation when I got closer. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? If I did tell them I was depressed, they would ask why, like there is a reason for it. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn’t.

Well, looks like the Twitter feed is going to be all about the Oscars tonight. I won’t have to worry about commanding tweets, least not for tonight. I won’t be watching as I don’t watch awards shows. Only award shows I will watch will be country music. But lately, I haven’t even been watching that. I had saved them when Taylor was winning and then when the awards became Miranda Lambert awards, I stopped watching. I would watch the performances but as for the awards, I would just fast forward them. I can’t stand Miranda. She is such a bitch. I’ve hated her since Blake Shelton married her. What he sees in her, I will never know. I don’t even find her attractive.

I am going to try and wrap one more book today. Then maybe read a little bit. I don’t know if it will be Jamison or the civil war book. I just hope I can stay awake long enough to just take my meds and then go to sleep. I am just so damn tired.

Finagling the Bagel 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Finagling the bagel 2

My sister called me today as she set up an appointment with my father for Monday, which meant I had to reschedule my appointment with the NP. Luckily, I was able to have it for Tuesday but that might mean that I have to cancel my therapy appointment for that day. I don’t know how the T is running so I plan on being where I need to be early so I can have therapy and then wait a half hour for the NP appointment. I just hope the damn bus is on time or I am screwed. Never mind about the trains. I think the Red Line should be safe as I have not heard anything about north of Boston being affected by the storms. Least I hope there are no troubles for Tuesday anyways. Will be bad enough that I have to deal with my father Sat and Mon. I think I will take an Ativan for Monday so that things don’t bother me.

My current journal is almost at the end. I will need to start a new one probably by the end of the month. I have to write the “Crisis response plan” in the new one. If it’s the first page, it’s easy to find. Plus I made some changes as my contact person has changed. The other person was/is too busy to return my emails so I doubt she will be available should I be in a crisis. My other friend is much more reliable, and I have her text. I also asked her if it would be okay for her to be my contact if I should need her and she said yes. She is a good egg, weirder than hell, but good.

Last night, I found some printing paper and a good article about psychologists needing self-care when dealing with suicidal clients. I plan on sending the article to my therapist. She might need it as a reminder when I am feeling stressed out and thinking my suicidal plans. I sent the article to a few Twitter buddies that are clinicians and my phone blew up with notifications this morning, which didn’t help my headache. Some had retweeted, favorited, or replied. Then there were new people that also did the same thing. I love how the word gets spread on Twitter so fast.

I took a shower today, finally. It was difficult because my back kept cramping up on me. I don’t know why when I am taking a shower my back seizes up on me versus when I am standing waiting for a bus. It’s really weird. Then after the shower, my ankle decided it was going to hurt. So I had to rest a bit before making lunch. I haven’t taken anything for pain because it settled down on its own, thank god. Very rare it does this but I am happy it did. I probably will be hurting later, but right now I am good.

Woke up with a stupid migraine. I planted some crops and then it was beddy bye time. I slept for about an hour and that helped tremendously (along with some ibuprofen). I still feel a little sleepy but a cup of tea helped wake me up. I couldn’t have coffee today because my French press isn’t clean and I was too lazy to wash it out. So tea it was this morning.

Going out today, NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Going out today, NOT

I had made the effort to go out today. But the bus I was supposed to take never showed up. I later found out it was canceled and the jerks at the public transportation didn’t send out an alert, like they should have. If I had gotten the alert, I would have just stayed home. Instead, I froze my butt off for a half hour. I am still pissed but I can try again tomorrow. Maybe I will bring a shovel with me to dig out a space so you can get to the street without trying to kill yourself. The sidewalk was clear but the street wasn’t. Once that freezes over, you can easily slip and fall. I really don’t want to fall in the middle of the street with cars coming at me.

I came home and had lunch and coffee. Much needed coffee. I made it perfect again. Seems I am getting the hang of coffee to water ratio down pat. Now I don’t know what I am going to do for the rest of the afternoon. I think I will work on my short story while I still have my coffee buzz. Then I think I will hit my office and try and go through some old mail and junk/shred things. I saw some old Explanation of Benefits from my insurance company that I am sure I don’t need anymore. I have to find the insole to my LL Bean slip-on boots. I know it’s in that pile. I would love to wear these boots again because they are so comfy in the winter.

Just got a tweet saying that my town is no longer under a snow parking ban. That is nice. Too bad we can’t park across the street because the snow is only 6 feet high. It would take someone several hours to dig out and then where to put the snow? We can’t toss it on the sidewalk or in the streets or make the drifts on the sidewalk bigger than what they are. I really wish we can have some rain and high temps, like 40 degrees, to get rid of some of the snow. We have a break from snow the next few days. I think we are supposed to get some over the weekend but temps are supposed to be in the upper 30s so maybe it will just be rain like I am hoping. I have seen enough of this winter already and I usually love winter because I love the cold. I will be the first person to complain about the heat. Maybe not on the first hot day but the second. I can’t stand the heat. I rather it be 65 in my room than 75.

My mood right now is kind of pissed off because I rather be typing this in Starbucks than my room, again! I hate not having a car in weather like this. But then, I would be a pain to constantly move my car and shovel it out with the way the winter has been. I just wish the T was more reliable lately. I hope they are reliable Monday because I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I plan on going out in the morning so I can catch the morning buses and just stay at Starbucks until it is time to leave. I will be meeting with the nurse practitioner, not my PCP this time. I hope the airhead just fills my prescription without having me pee in a cup. Last time I couldn’t go because I didn’t drink anything. This time I will be prepared, just in case.

I have been in dehydration mode the last few days. Mostly because I don’t have any bottled water to drink. I have been conserving what I have left for my medication that I take at night. I usually drink Powerade but I am out of that. I suppose I could have bought a bottle while I was waiting for the bus. But I am relaxed now and don’t feel like making a trip out again.