Category: depression

hardest week to get through

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I am feeling a little better today. I was able to get up and do some things. One of the things I did was read and study the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a book written by Sydney Blatt. He is a good writer but a lot of the concepts are foreign to me as it has been years since I read about Freud. He also is talking a lot of psychoanalytical stuff that I just am clueless about. But his thoughts about depression, I think are solid. I am taking notes so that I can talk about it with my therapist on Monday. She is the one that introduced me to Blatt.

I so far have avoided taking a nap. Having a 4 pm ball game is helping to keep me from resting my head on a pillow. I did make myself a cup a tea and make myself some lunch. I still don’t have that much of an appetite, but I am eating. I am also trying to increase my fluid intake because after the serious side effects I had the other night, I don’t know if it was because of dehydration or side effects of the abilify. I really have not been drinking fluids except for the few sips I take with my medication. And with me sleeping most of the time, I know I am dehydrated a little bit.

This week has been the hardest to get through. I am glad that I am not so sleepy as I have been most of the week. But that might change. I think the Cymbalta is finally starting to give me a little kick. I just hope it’s not too much of a kick. I really don’t want to be manic, though I would welcome some euphoria.

What really has been surprising me all week is that I haven’t been in too much pain. My physical pain has been minimal to nonexistent. But I think that is because I really have not been out of bed except to go to the bathroom or eat something. I hope the level of pain stays the way it has been but I don’t think it will. My foot is cold today and that always means a flare up later. Weather has been beautiful all week, not like I have enjoyed much of it. I really have been under the covers.

I have to say that despite the physical symptoms of my depression, I have not been suicidal. I really don’t know why that is. Usually when my depression is bad, I am nothing but suicidal. I told my therapist during our last session that if I become suicidal again, via text as the case usually is, that she is to implement the SSF despite my protests. I think it would be interesting to fill one out when I am in the middle of a suicidal mind set. The hardest part is knowing when a suicidal crisis will occur. I already know certain factors are involved: physical pain, hopelessness, suicidality, low depression, and helplessness or psychache. This combination of feelings is more than likely to send me over the edge at any given moment.

The unproductive side of depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I got up early today but quickly went back to bed as it was six in the morning. I wanted to get up and be productive today but it hasn’t happened yet. I am fighting the urge to go back to bed as we speak but thought I would write for a bit.

I have never had a depression be this bad before. I usually spend a day or two in bed. But never more than that. Sure there are days I don’t shower and that bothers me, but sleeping all day every day for the past several days is worrying me. I feel lazy though I have no reason to be.

I really want to read the book “Experiences of Depression”. It is a clinical book and is laden with a whole bunch of terms, some I am familiar with, others not so much. The reason I want to read this book is because I am bored. I am tired of reading about suicide books and history. I need something different. But the problem is that my depression is interfering with my reading skills. And because I am tired all the time, it is difficult to pick up a book, any book.

I haven’t journaled in my journal in what seems like weeks. I just don’t see the point. Monday I have an appointment with my therapist. I really would like to get at least a chapter of something in before then. The depression has been so bad that I don’t even play my game anymore or I am only on for a few minutes and then I shut down the laptop to go sleep.

I just feel so unproductive. Today I made pancakes but it was such a hassle and I make them sucky. They weren’t as good as the last batch. I still have not showered and need to badly. I feel so useless. My music doesn’t help me anymore. I listen but it is more like background noise. And when I try to read, I need to shut the music off because I need my reading voice in order to read. Weird that the voices have been quiet lately. I hope it’s not the calm before the storm. Last thing I need is to become psychotic. I will have to go into the hospital if that happens. I wish I could get an energy burst or something. I am so depressed I don’t even want my coffee anymore. I haven’t had coffee since Tuesday. Course I am out of my Starbucks funds so that is one reason I haven’t had coffee. But I can use my sister’s Keurig to make a cup, if I was inclined, which I am not. Maybe tomorrow I will make a cup.

fighting side effects

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Cancelled my father’s doctor’s appointment today because I didn’t feel good and you would have thought I killed someone. My father was an irate bastard who didn’t give a damn that I was sick. He just felt like a “salami”. Thanks for the care dad!

I slept most of the day. I woke up really early this morning with bowel pain. That pretty much told me to stay near a bathroom. I wasn’t going to risk crapping my pants for an appointment that I didn’t want no part of anyway.

Then I got the depression sleeping sickness. That is what I call when all you want to do is sleep and stay in bed. So that is what I did all day for the rest of the day. I would be up for a few hours and then I would have to lie down because I would get so sleepy. Much like I am feeling now. I talked about it with my therapist tonight. She thinks I am just exhausted and need rest. Some help she is. I also have been having side effects from the abilify for the past three days. I didn’t take it tonight. I have been popping Ativan like it were candy. I hate feeling like a rubber ball. The only way I feel normal is if I am lying down. I might have to lower the dose of the abilify if I can’t keep this from happening.

I really need to take a shower but I think I will wait until tomorrow to take one. I just am spent. Fighting these side effects has been awful.

Anorexia and being a nitwit

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Anorexia, another component of depression

Most people think that anorexia is an eating disorder, which it truly is. But I am using it in the context of no appetite. This is the third or forth day that I have eaten barely nothing. I had some cake and two hot dogs for the entire day. I just am not hungry like I used to be. Even eating the last hot dog was a challenge.

I slept all day, or tried to. I really didn’t leave my room except to use the bathroom and eat a little bit of cake. I only had two slices and that was it for the day. I only forced myself to eat the hot dogs because I needed something in stomach. It is so hard to eat when you don’t feel like eating.

Last night, I had the worst side effects of the abilify I had in a really long time. My hand cramped up and I could not get it to open. My arm just felt like a rubber ball being stretched to the match while my hand was tightly enclosed. It scared me. And I had to wait what felt like hours for the Ativan to work (it worked in like a half hour or less). Today my arm still felt weird so I took another Ativan to make it better. It worked. It also make me sleepy and I just now woke up enough to write this blog. I didn’t write one yesterday, or if I did, I don’t remember what I wrote about. Things seem all blurred this week because all I have been doing is sleeping.

I got an email from Amazon. My first paycheck from them is on the way! It will take about 5 days to process, so by Tuesday I should have money in my account, which will be good because I need some meds. Instead of buying a filet mignon, I am just going to go to a pub and get a cheeseburger BLT, when my appetite has returned. No point in getting it now as I probably will just take a bite and be full. In a way I am happy I have no appetite because that means I could potentially lose the weight that I has been stuck on me the past year. I really want to be below 200 and I know once it comes off there is a good chance it will stay off. I just got to watch what I eat. I am not doing this on purpose. I really have no appetite. But you do need some caloric intake to survive.

I have been ruminating today that I am a nitwit. I told my therapist that and she flipped out on me, but in a good way. She couldn’t understand why I felt like that. I still don’t. I guess I just feel really down that I just feel so stupid and like a nitwit. I don’t know where the feelings came from. I just know that it how I feel. I asked her if she was proud of me and instead of answering, she listed all my accomplishments over the past year. Sometimes, the reminder is all that you need. I was hoping that hearing these things would help my mood some but it didn’t. I still feel like a nitwit.