Category: depression

Nerve pain is no joke

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I laid down a little while ago to try and get some sleep but my foot had other plans. It feels like it has been submerged in ice cold water and then thawed out. I feel like every nerve fiber, neuron, and nerve bundle is firing all at once. I am in agony and there is nothing I can take for it except to wait it out. The funny thing is that I take Cymbalta which is supposedly a neuropathic medication used to treat this type of pain. Either I am on too low a dose or it just doesn’t work for me. I just want to sleep and I am itching on despair.

I didn’t think this would happen. I thought I would be in physical pain, bone crushing pain, not nerve pain tonight. I hate feeling so helpless as my foot is hurting and there is nothing I can take for it. I just have to wait for it to calm down on its own. If it was just one part of my foot, I could put a gel on it but the pain is ALL over my foot and I can’t put that much gel on my foot. I will get it everywhere and I don’t know if it will be effective. Nerve pain sucks!!!!

I am deeply frustrated that there is nothing I can do but suffer. This is why I become suicidal because my situation is hopeless. There is no end to this pain. The only way to stop the pain is to end my life. And I want to so bad. But my family needs me, least I think they do. My sister has been depending on me more to take care of her younger daughter as I have been babysitting more. I am supposed to be up in five hours to take my sister’s car so that I can transport my father to his medical appointment. I don’t know if I can survive a day on five hours of sleep. This just totally sucks. and I feel like I should just end things. My life would be better off if I were dead. People don’t understand that being in chronic pain sucks. Least with cancer, you know there is going to be an end. But with chronic pain there is no terminus. It just goes on and on.

My foot is still swollen from today’s activities. I won’t be walking too much tomorrow, thank goodness. I know I overdid it today and that is why I am hurting. Seems that whenever I think I can go back to work I will have a night like this to remind me that I can no longer work an eight hour shift. I don’t even know if I will be able to work half a shift. I miss my coworkers though. I would love to be able to return to my old job but I don’t think I can physically do that type of work anymore. It just sucks. But maybe by not being here anymore I don’t have to worry about working at all or about my finances and being broke all the time. Having complex regional pain syndrome really does stink. and pain flare ups are the worse.

restless depressive state

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Had a long morning. My father’s doctor was at least forty minutes late, per usual. I am glad I canceled my appointment with my therapist. There would be no way to talk to her.

I then visited a dear friend who is in the hospital fighting cancer and an infection. She had surgery to remove the cancer and developed an infection. She looked very drained. I feel really bad for her. This is the second time she has developed cancer. I hope that it was caught in time. I don’t want to lose my friend.

I have been in a restless depressive state all day. But now it quickly turned into a moody state because I crapped myself. I should have gone to the bathroom before leaving the hospital but thought I could make it home in time. I really don’t like taking a crap outside of my house. I like having my supplies handy. I know I should carry them with me but 9 out of 10 times I never have to do a number two so why bother. I just feel so humiliated. I would have been fine if I didn’t stop to check the mail. It was two minutes, too long. I am such an idiot.

I texted my therapist about being an idiot. I don’t have another session with her till Thursday. I wish I was having one tomorrow. But I had to cancel my time because my father had another doctor appointment tomorrow. Oh the joys of spending all this time waiting in doctors offices. I wish these docs ran on time but they never do. I don’t know any doc that runs on time. Even my own!

I didn’t take the mood stabilizer today. But I think taking it is helping my pain. Since taking it, I have noticed a marked decrease in my nerve pain and general pain as I have been using my pain medication less. I don’t know about today though because I did a lot of walking in my AFO getting around the hospital. Hopefully I won’t be in too much agony later tonight.

I hope that I don’t have excruciating pain tonight. It will not bode well with my mood and might put in a suicidal state of mind. I hate being restless. I am going to try and read after I finish this blog. Maybe that will calm down some of the restlessness. I certainly can’t sleep and I don’t want to take an Ativan unless I absolutely need it. I just wish my dignity was intact today. Not to say the day was going well but the crapping my pants just made everything worse. Made me feel like I was a little kid again, and not in a good way. I just feel so terrible. I know rationally it wasn’t my fault, it was stupid nerve damage that caused it. But I still feel like I should have controlled myself some way, even though I can’t anymore. I thought with being constipated I was safe but I guess not. It really is hard to gauge your bowels when you have nerve damage to them. I really don’t know if I am being too harsh with myself or not. As a grown up, you think you should be able to control yourself and when that gets damaged, you just feel awful. I know I am lucky that my damage is minimal as I still have some control. Others have lost theirs entirely. But after dealing with this loss for 13 yrs now, it’s just sucks when you have an accident, plain and simple. And the worst part is that other than my therapist, there is no one I can talk to about it. It’s not like I can tell my sister or a friend. A CES friend would be the only other person to understand. But I am tired of just going on the group site to say that I had an accident and feel terrible when I know most of them have accidents everyday and I don’t. Doesn’t make it easier to deal with and it is so isolating.

blog about book and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

My sister had a BBQ today. I didn’t stay long. Just long enough to stuff my face and then leave. I wasn’t feeling very social. I told my father he has a doc appointment tomorrow so I didn’t have to call him. He called me anyway tonight to find out what time he had to leave his house. Bugger. I also have to deal with him on Wednesday. I would rather have back to back sessions with my therapist than deal with my father’s appointments.

I have been in a low mood all day. I slept after I ate and just woke up in time to take my night meds. I don’t feel rested. But I do feel restless. I feel like I should do something but I don’t know what. I don’t feel much like reading, though I probably should as the books keep getting higher instead of lower. I am reading a book on the Myths of suicide. It’s an interesting book. But it stirs too much feeling up for me that I have to read it in spurts.

The other books that I am reading is on the civil war, experiences of depression, and Far from the tree. I also seem to read multiple books at the same time. I can never decide which one to read or what will suit my mood. I am also reading a book about blunders in history. That is a book that I read on my travels. I mostly read that when I am on the train.

Tomorrow I am going to have to pay for my coffee. I can’t use my Starbucks card because there are no funds on it and it would be stupid to add three dollars on to it. I found a new coffee, Brezza. It is so good. I hope it lasts throughout the summer.

Despite today being a holiday, my therapist was in the office so we had a session. A useless session. I just felt like we were talking with an elephant in the room but ignoring the elephant. Though I don’t really know what the elephant was standing for. We went over the Experiences book but she doesn’t remember a lot about it as it has been years since she last read about Blatt. She wants me to skip some chapters and just focus on the anaclitic depression and interjection of depression but I can’t do that. I HAVE to read a book from start to finish. I know some people can mix up the chapters and just read what they want to read but I feel like you miss something if you do that. Course, when I was reading Dostoevsky, I found his writing to be able to pass on and others you cannot. His writing is similar to mine, though definitely not in depth. He will start writing about a couple of things and then go off on tangents. I find that some of my blogs go the same way. I do miss reading his works. Maybe after I finish one of my books, I will re-read the Idiot, a book I read in college.

Still not feeling any suicidal inclinations. It is so weird not being suicidal after you have been suicidal for so long. I am by no means saying I am better. I still have horrible depressions and psychotic episodes. I just don’t feel like killing myself all the time. Maybe that is the elephant in the room today. I wanted to talk about my non-suicidal feelings and my therapist didn’t really give me a chance to do so. I hate when that happens. She was more focus on how I was going to deal with my father the next few days. He can make me feel so small and also cause me to drink. I am not an alcoholic but only drink when all my buttons have been pushed by him. It’s either drink or do something destructive.

I should email the AAS editor and see when my blog is next going to be posted. It has been more than a month and I still have not heard anything. Maybe they don’t want my story any more but it would be nice to be told that.

baseball and still being depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Interesting day in Baseball world…Manny Ramirez (former Red Sox) is a player/coach to AAA team for the Cubs organization. Josh Beckett (former Red Sox) pitched his first no hitter of the season. And the Sox lose their 10th game in a row, the worst since 1994. I am totally at a loss. There was a brawl in the game today, in the pounding by the Rays. I cannot stand their manager Joe Maddon. He just irks me in the worst way. The reason for the brawl was that there was stolen base that occurred after the Rays scored 5 runs. It was totally not necessary to steal the base but the jerk Escobar thought it was good and then taunted the Red Sox dug out. It was really stupid. Three players got ejected from the game, though I am uncertain why a third player got ejected when only two, that I saw, instigated the brawl. But oh well.

I had a somewhat productive day. I have been up since six. I started doing some reading and I think I am going to write out my highlighted sections of the book that I am reading. It will give me something to do and maybe understand this book better.

Weird that my mother called me and asked if I was still sick. I have no idea what she was talking about. If she meant sick as in depression, I denied it and said I was fine. If she meant sick as in sick, well, I don’t know what gave her that impression. The only person that I have been telling my troubles to is an online friend and I doubt she would have my mother’s number or the inclination to call my mother. It’s just weird.

I still have little appetite. Seems I can only eat one meal a day and anything more than that I get really bloated and sick, even if the meals are hours apart. Last night I had some pizza and it really gutted me. I felt so sick after eating it. Guess my system can’t handle food right now. I am fine with that if it means weight loss!

I got really cold today despite the temperature being in the 60’s. I never get cold unless I am sick, but then I have been feeling run down with the depression. I still have socks on my feet and a long sleeved t-shirt on. I still have not warmed up despite being in my comfort zone (aka my room). I went there to take a nap but my damn foot started up. First it was my right foot with zaps. Then my left ankle decided to act up and hurt really bad. I had to take pain medication because I didn’t want it to get worse. I am very tired and want a damn nap but it’s almost 7 pm (19:00). If I fall asleep now, chances are I will wake up in a couple of hours and then be up all night.

Because it is a holiday weekend in the US (Memorial day), I don’t think I will get paid on Tuesday like I thought I would. It might be Wednesday. Either way I am excited that it will be my first payment for my book sales. I just have to remember to save some money for taxes because they don’t take them out. Doing my taxes next year is going to be interesting.