Category: depression

Baseball, Allergies, and Other Stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Baseball, Allergies, and other stuff

I think the cold in my throat/chest is nothing more than allergies gone haywire. Since taking the antihistamine, I have been fine, until I forgot to take it last night. My nose is running like a faucet, eyes are itchy, and the post nasal drip has been want to force things out of my stomach. So far, I have been able to keep things down. I just had pasta with garlic so hopefully that will help keep some of the allergens away from me (wishful thinking but what the hell).

I had therapy today and I didn’t want to. I should have cancelled tomorrow when I had the chance but I was stupid and didn’t call. I am so sick of talking to her. Next week I get a little break. I talk to her on Monday morning and Wednesday. I am hoping it won’t be so bad but my mood can change on the dime. Right now I am feeling a little frustrated with therapy. We talk about the same thing nearly every single session. It is getting so boring. I thought reading this depression book would be good for us to talk about, which it is, but I haven’t been able to read it since Thursday because I have been in a lot of pain. The book is dense and takes some effort to read it.

And she is hung up on the song idea. Leave me alone. When a song comes my way, it will. Forcing it is not going to help. So I told her I had a song but I don’t really know if I do or not. I have to listen to it a few more times to see if it fits me or not. I just know it’s by the Band Perry. I don’t remember the name of the song.

In baseball news, I am PISSED. One of my pitchers got a 6 game suspension for throwing the ball over the batter’s head. He did not hit the pitcher at all, yet he gets suspended. Meanwhile, in the same game, the opposite pitcher hits 2 men and gets NOTHING. No ejection, no fines, no suspensions. NOTHING!! It is a conspiracy against my Sox!! And I am not happy about it. I am beyond PISSED about it!! WTF.

OK I said my rant about baseball. My depression is still the same, though I think it is finally getting better. I was able to get out of the house today for the first time since Friday without too much pain. I went out Sunday to get my scripts but that caused me too much pain and I had to spend another day on the DL. I felt bad because I was supposed to go to my niece’s graduation ceremony but I couldn’t stand or walk more than a few feet without pain. I had to take another strong pain killer yesterday to help with the pain and break the cycle. Surprisingly, I haven’t been suicidal nor have the demons come out. I guess I am just too tired. I don’t feel hopeless like I used to so I think that is helping me. Hopelessness and depression usually cause one to think about suicide. I still think people would be better off without me though. And if I had a chance to kill myself without pain, I would do it. But I just am not feeling it.

A friend of mine is reading my book. So far she likes it. I hope that she writes a review on Amazon. I am going to try and get her to. That will be three reviews I have on my book. I will be happy.

ankle chronicles 6

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I spent the weekend resting my foot. I thought my foot would be better by now but it is still sore. I have things to do and there is no one else who can do them for me. I need to get a haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescription.

I feel really bad that I am missing my niece’s graduation tonight. But there is no way I can walk around the stadium. It is also the hottest day of the year and I don’t do heat too well. I really just want some butter pecan ice cream and go back to sleep.

I was up early this morning. I woke up from a bad dream around 0130. I stayed up till almost 0500. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before the pain meds and Ativan kicked in. I also woke up in pain. I was not happy. I guess I really did too much on Friday night for me to still be in pain three days later.

I am tired of being laid up in pain. I want to go out and get an ice coffee and maybe read a little bit. And get my haircut. Or at least be able to shower. I haven’t had a shower since Friday afternoon. I was going to take one at the wee hours of the morning but I didn’t want to risk waking myself up. I never know how a shower is going to go. It will either exhaust me or wake me up. My luck, it will wake me up.

I think for the first time in a while, I might run out of pain meds before my doc appointment. I am running low because of this flare up and I don’t see my doc for another two weeks. I am not that worried. I can stretch them out. I am sure once this pain flare up calms down, I won’t be taking any meds. For some reason I woke up with my calf hurting this afternoon when I got up. A little stretching and it seems to have calmed it down. Don’t know what that was about.

I wish I didn’t catch a cold this weekend. I feel terrible. I think I am going to make some soup, despite it being hot out. But I need the fluids. I have been bad about drinking. It doesn’t really cross my mind. I am not really thirsty, which doesn’t help. I have powerade, but I mostly just use it for my meds. I need to get more, add that to the list of things to do.

Sleepy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Sleepy days

Since Friday night, I have been coughing and feeling sick in addition to my foot going bananas on me for the activities I did. I still am sore as I just went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I am in more pain than I was before I left the house. So I guess it’s going to be back to bed again.

I must have caught a cold or something while at the ballpark. My throat just feels terrible and I have this dry cough. It is annoying me. But I am not really talking to anyone so I don’t have to worry about losing my voice.

I still am in a depressive mood. My appetite is still minimal. Yesterday, all I had was three slices of pizza for the whole day and today I was able to make some eggs. Now I am completely full but I am still looking forward to the left over pizza, if I get hungry later. It sucks being sick and being depressed at the same time. I really don’t feel like doing anything today. I did one thing and I am happy with that. Plus, I got chocolate for later. I don’t know why I have gone back to eating milk chocolate. I usually just buy dark. Maybe next time.

It’s a beautiful day today. If I felt more up to it, I could be in the back yard but I am not up to it. I just want to stay in my room and medicate. I am in a lot of pain. I knew I would be. Every time I get a flare up like this, it take three days to settle down. Tomorrow is my niece’s graduation. I really don’t feel like going. But we’ll see how I feel. I might change my mind.

I really wanted to get cookies while at the store. But I was good. I didn’t get them. I should have gotten the cookie spread by Biscoff. That is some good stuff. And the nice thing about it, is that I am the only person that likes it so I don’t have to worry about my family members eating it. I think it is better than Nutella.

No Rest for the Weary

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

No Rest for the weary

I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.

I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.

I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.

So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.

Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.

It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.