Category: depression

thanksgiving 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Thanksgiving 2021

I had a good turkey day. My mother made it and it came out awesome. I am so stuffed. My sister made cheesecake and it was very good next to the custard pie I had.

Yesterday I didn’t blog because I burned my hand when I made my lunch. I had made a pot pie and got burned while taking it out of the pan. I don’t even know what happened but hot boiling gravy got on my hand and I got a second degree burn. It was so painful. This morning I got two blisters on my hand. Luckily it is no longer painful. I just got to wait for the blisters to pop on their own.

I am so tired. I have been in a very tired state the past few days. I don’t want to do anything. I should shower but I have no energy for it. I also need to shave my head again. I told my pcp about the lost sleep and shoulder pain and they want me to get in touch with the shoulder surgeon. I had put in a request for my pain meds and I won’t have them until next week due to pharmacy being out of stock for one of them. I am going to have to ration my meds until I get the new refill as I have just 7 pills to last me until Monday. Hope I don’t get a flare of pain or I am screwed.

My bank doesn’t open until Monday due to the holiday so I can’t touch my account until then. Just really sucks. Tomorrow I need to go to the pharmacy to get my 3rd shot of the vaccine. I have to remember to bring my card. I will be having it in my dominate arm because I can’t have it in my broken arm.

I think I am going to take a shower, shave, and then take my night meds and call it a day. If the shower exhausts me, I will just go to bed anyways.

up very early

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Up very early

I woke up around 0130 and never went back to sleep till around 5ish. I slept for maybe an hour before I just decided to get up. I wanted coffee so I made some. Now I seem to have settled down so I might get a nap in. I took my morning meds. I am so tired. My arm is feeling sore but it is ok. It isn’t that bothersome like it was earlier this morning. I had taken my BT meds and it helped. I hope I get the refill on it soon as I am almost out.

I hate when I have an insomnia night. I just feel like crap. I am debating on whether to go back to bed or just stay up. I don’t have PT until 4pm, which is like eight hours from now. I don’t know what I am going to do with my time. Twitter is slow as people haven’t gotten up yet.

Today is one month till my birthday. I feel weird getting older. For a long time I often thought of ending my life on my birthday. But I never was really able to do it because it is so close to Christmas. Now I feel that is behind me and I am sort of looking forward to my birthday even though it will be a crummy day. Last year we didn’t celebrate my birthday because my mother was in the hospital. She still called me to wish me a happy birthday. But it wasn’t the same. We were going to celebrate my birthday when she came home but we never did. I kind of liked the not celebrating but I missed my mother being there for my day. I was really sad that she was alone in a hospital suffering from the effects of Covid. Thankfully she survived it and is much better now than she was a year ago.

Today is going to have to be a day where I put my bladder on a timer because the urge to pee is not present. I don’t remember the last time I went though. I think it was around 5 that I went. But I had coffee so I should go in an hour as the NP wants me to go 2 hours after I have coffee because it irritates the bladder. I keep trying to figure out if cathing is a disability or not. I know the reasons for the cath can be a disability but I don’t know if having to self-cath is or not. I meet with the NP in January. I had a meeting with her in Dec but it conflicted with my eye appointment so I canceled it.

I dragged my ass to PT. I didn’t want to go as I was so damn tired. I took a brief nap between 1 and 2. It was the rest I needed to get going. I had dry needling done at PT. OMG did it hurt but now my arm feels better and I hope that I won’t wake up in pain tonight. I need to continue to put heat on. She said my muscles have a lot of knots. I am not surprised and that is why I am hurting so much. She gave me a way to sleep that I am going to try tonight. I don’t know if it will work but I am willing to try anything at this point if I can sleep through the damn night.

I have so many pillows on my bed. One I sleep on and the others I just hold or have between my legs for back support. As I was laying down in PT, I almost fell asleep. I was so comfortable. I just had dinner of cereal. My sister brought home a little pumpkin cheesecake. It was very good and hit the spot. I just hope I don’t react with the ginger that is in it. I am allergic to ginger. I will be taking Benadryl tonight because I want to fucking sleep. I don’t know if that will keep the pain away but I got to take something to sleep. I reached out to my PCP about not sleeping and the nurse suggested I get in touch with the shoulder surgeon. If I don’t get any sleep tonight, I will call him tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will have someone as it is before the holiday.

not sleeping due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Not sleeping due to pain

Yesterday I was in bed all day sleeping. I was expecting to wake up around 1am feeling ready to go but the only thing ready to go this time around was my bladder. My arm was sore but after I woke up and used the bathroom it felt better. I didn’t stay awake too long. I just looked at my messages and then went back to sleep. I woke up again around 4 in mega pain this time. My arm and shoulder were hurting so bad. I sat up to try and alleviate some of the pain. I didn’t want to take anything because usually moving it helps to ease the pain. I did take some ibuprofen. I was hungry but I didn’t want to go downstairs to make something to eat. I thought about making coffee but it was really early. Pain settled down enough so I laid back down and slept for another hour or two until my med alarm went off. I shut it off but I didn’t take my meds. I just rested till around 10 when I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I used the bathroom and then made coffee.

I was hungry but I didn’t know what I wanted to make. It was either cheesy scrambled eggs or a bacon sandwich. I took my meds and thoughts it over. I decided to make bacon as that would require less movement. I also made another cup of coffee.

I had therapy today and was all over the place with talking about my BFF’s situation and how I felt about it and losing my second mother. I was more emotional as I talked about it. I almost started crying. My arm was throbbing as I finished my third cup of coffee. I told her my Thanksgiving plans and how much I was looking forward to the turkey and cranberry sauce. It is my favorite holiday. She asked what self-care I planned on using during this time. I said I would shower more and color. I told her I have been reading more than coloring. I also was writing to get things out. I told her I had support on Twitter which has developed over the past six months or so.

I told my mother I would make dinner tonight but after my shower my arm flared up big time and I am in agony. I told her I couldn’t cook. Now I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner. I might have a bowl of cereal. I bought Oreo cereal and it is pretty good. It is all I ate yesterday. One bowl of cereal for the entire day. It is all I wanted to eat. I haven’t been having more than one meal a day for the past couple of weeks. I am just not hungry. But today I will be having two meals as the cereal will be my second meal of the day. I might have cookies to top it off.