Category: depression

Activities of the Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 7 and after I had coffee and breakfast, I fell back to sleep. I guess the coffee wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be, otherwise, I don’t think I would have fallen back asleep. I woke up around 10. I knew that if I didn’t leave the house, I was going to sleep, again. It was just like yesterday where I couldn’t do anything because I was so tired. But I didn’t do anything strenuous to be so exhausted. I know I did a lot on Thursday and it takes me a while to recover. But I should be okay today. I got dressed and went to the post office to mail my therapist her letters. To my shock, the toner for the printer is still going strong. It is the toner that came with the printer and I really wasn’t expecting it to last this long. I don’t print that often, but it seems that it is going well. I must have printed off more than 100 pages and it shows no sign of losing ink. Makes me wonder if buying the extra cartridge was a stupid idea. At least I have it, just in case I run out of ink.

After the post office, I went to get my haircut. There was a bit of a wait but it was worth it. I got it cut like I wanted. I then went to the pizza place and got a few slices for my mother and I for lunch. I came home, had lunch and then took a shower to get the excess hair off my head. I like feeling the hair as it is so short. It feels like a brush, but I don’t like having a handful of hair in the process.

I have been nauseous for most of the day and I finally got the migraine I was dreading. Every time I finished eating something today, I was dry heaving. I usually only get that way when I get migraines. I rarely puke but, man, do I dry heave. It’s terrible. Sometimes I wish I would puke just so the heaving would stop. I took my Zofran (anti-nausea pill) and thought that would be it until I had the pizza. It’s not that warm today to get me exhausted, but I still had to go slow up the stairs to my room. I don’t know why I am so fatigued. Only thing I didn’t do today was go grocery shopping and pick up my prescription.

I have been on and off on Facebook the past few days. I just can’t seem to get away from it, if only because my friends aren’t on Twitter. I had an upsetting moment by a couple of memes and a letter to Caitlyn Jenner. It was very transphobic and it made me very angry. I had to unfollow the friends that posted it. I made a status saying that I won’t tolerate it and if anyone has a problem with this, unfriend me or if they had any negative comment, they would be blocked and reported as harassment. A couple of people starting to congratulate me but were either using an old name that I was using or my birth name. I was getting frustrated so I made another status as to what I should be called on Facebook even though my fucking name hasn’t changed in two years!! Just fucking kills me that people can’t read or pay attention.

With the first status, I think I came out on Facebook as a transgendered male. I don’t know if that came across or not. I didn’t get anyone asking directly. A couple of my close cousins liked the message. I just couldn’t take someone calling Jenner a cross dresser. Being transgender is more than that and emotionally charged. She is living her life the way it is supposed to be lived, now. She no longer has to hide who she is. I am still in the closet but I am slowly opening the door. One day I will tell my mother and it will go a little rocky. I am not expecting her to accept it. I am her first born and I think she will always see me as her little baby girl. That hurts me even saying that. My fear is that it will send me to a suicidal rage, which is why I haven’t told her. I am scared that she will say something and it will drive me off the narrow ledge that I am on every day.

rambling 80

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders

Yesterday, I must have did too much because I have been sleeping all day, for most of the day. I had no energy to do anything, not even to make a cup of coffee. Well, actually, I tried and failed at making coffee. I used a disposable K cup and the thing didn’t work. It usually does, but for some reason, it didn’t puncture the bottom so nothing came out. I was so disappointed.

I had a good time last night. I ate way too much but the food was so good. I had a black bean burger and it was so yummy. It taste just like what my sister’s work makes or at least bought. I was surprised I finished it after the appetizers. I tried eating dessert but it was over kill. The thing was huge.

I ordered my eyeglasses. I used a place online that a friend recommended. I just hope they fit. Otherwise I might have to get it adjusted at the eye place. I really wanted to just get lenses for the pair of frames that I already own, but it was too expensive. I saved at least 80 bucks ordering online with new frames. Now I just have to copy my prescription and send it in to the place. I’ll do that tomorrow, if I have the energy.

My mother called me while I was resting. I really didn’t feel like talking to her so I just let the phone go to voicemail. She is making something for dinner. I didn’t ask her what. I don’t really care. I really have not eaten anything today except for a little junk food while I was watching my niece before I collapsed. After watching her, I was going to take a shower and I just felt faint. It was hot in my apartment and I think with me feeling tired, just overwhelmed me. I will take a shower later. Maybe it will wake me up.

Writing Workshop and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Writing Workshop and Other Things

I went to the writing workshop today and it seemed geared more for poets than writers. I wrote a couple of good paragraphs in the time allotted. But I thought it would be more discussion about writing itself rather than what we were writing about in the class. It was only for 45 mins and when I realized what it was, I really wanted to leave. The room was stifling hot, there were a lot of people there, and it just made me uncomfortable. It was supposed to be a cool day today but it’s not. The weatherman lied, again. I am just glad that I wore shorts and not full length jeans. I would have been really uncomfortable.

The errands that I had to run after the class got postponed because I had to go to the bathroom really bad. I felt funny using the bathroom at the workshop so I just left holding it until I got home. Now I got to go to Walgreens and pick up my prescription. I thought about getting my haircut but I think I will do that tomorrow. I tried getting it cut today but the line was too long and there were only two barbers on duty. Usually there are four. I am really spent so unless I get my sister’s car to go to Stop and Shop, that will have to wait till Friday. The walk to the place wasn’t bad but finding the green line back home was a trick. I had no idea where the station was so just walked over to the orange line a few blocks away from the class. I went down the stairs rather than using the elevator and I am paying for it now. I really don’t want to go to Walgreens but I have to. My mother needs something and I need to buy water. I have no spring water in the house and I hate drinking tap, unless it’s mixed with iced tea or lemonade mix. I am picky about water. When I lived in my hometown where I grew up, the tap water was excellent. But where I live now, it just doesn’t taste the same. I will buy a couple of gallons so I am stocked. There is no way I can carry a case home from Walgreens and it’s much more expensive there than at Stop and Shop. I will only buy Poland Spring water. If they don’t have that, Dasani is the next one I will get. If they don’t have either, I usually won’t buy it.

When I came out, I found out some sad news. My cousin’s mother in law passed away this morning. He was with her when she died. She had been sick for some time and was in a nursing home. She was a very nice lady. I met her more than a few times over the years.

I have an ace bandage around my ankle to help support it while I was out and about today. I still have it on. I should take it off but I will be going back out again. It’s very restrictive as going up and down stairs I could feel that my ankle did not want to do those motions. It feels comfortable now that I have my leg up and am relaxing as I am typing this. I should have been using this all along and maybe on long days where I am walking, I won’t be in so much pain afterwards. It’s a one piece ace that is made specific for the ankle. I really like it because you wear it like a sock. No pins or taping or wrapping needed. I can never wrap my ankle anyway or any other part. I just suck at that.

I started the day writing to my therapist like I have been doing the last few mornings. I will be so glad when she comes back and I don’t have to write to her anymore. Well, I could still write to her. She does like getting my letters. We will keep the post office in business. But with this writing, I am not doing much of anything else. I am not writing anything for my book and I am not writing in my journal like I usually do. I wanted to get a few pointers today on how to get unstuck but the stupid class wasn’t made for it. They do have other classes you can take but it costs money that I don’t have.

Before the workshop, I went to my “Happy” place, Starbucks and lo and behold, they had the coffee that I have been dying to get! I finally got my Kati Kati coffee!! I am so going to make it tomorrow morning!! I thought I was going to miss my chance on getting it this year because the Starbucks stores near me have sold out of it already. It’s an extremely popular blend and it’s only around during the summer months. It made my day to get a bag.

Random 468

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have been reading “Game of Thrones”. It is a weird book and I am trying to follow the story line but it is hard to do. I am glad the last few chapters that I have read didn’t have people die a horrible death like the first two chapters. It was hard to get past that. But I am liking the book so far, even though it is not my usual kind of book to read.

I have been in a funk the past day or so. My ankle has not been in a good mood and tomorrow I have a workshop to go to, which means walking around until I find that I am looking for. My ankle is not going to like that. Thankfully, it’s supposed to be cooler than it is today. Today is very hot again and I am not liking it. I have a vague idea where the building is for this workshop. It’s in a part of town that I am not that familiar with. It’s a writing workshop so I hope it helps me be a little more creative and focused. I have no idea how many people are going to be attending and I won’t know a single person, including the instructor. I am really nervous about going.

One of my cousins called me last night to be a pain in the ass. He usually is anyway but last night he really grated on my nerves. He asked if I had any extra money. He knows I am broke even before I get paid. Pisses me off that he would call me. He works part-time as a barber so I don’t understand why he doesn’t have a few extra bucks in his pocket. He must get tips and I doubt that the shop would make him turn them in. I just don’t get him. If I did have money, I wouldn’t give it to him anyways. I did once and it was hell. He called me every single day until he paid me back, three weeks later! It was always the same story, I will pay back on day X. Day X would come and he would pay me half. Then gave me a new X day. I told him he didn’t have to pay me back at that point. I just wouldn’t allow myself to have him borrow money from me again, and I haven’t. He works. I don’t. He is a grown man, let him figure out how to get through a pay period. I sure do and it sucks. I gave the last three dollars I had to my mother because I didn’t want to have a confrontation at Walgreens. She had bought some tissue paper without a coupon and wanted a refund. Working in retail, I know they don’t give refunds that way. Tough luck if you don’t have the coupon at the time of purchase. So I gave her the money do I didn’t have to deal with it. It was easier that way.

Since I woke up this morning, my ankle has been bothering me. It probably is still angry with me for going up and down stairs yesterday. And for some reason, the pain meds have been making me drowsier than usual, even if I take one. I don’t understand why. I have been on the same dose for years now and it never used to make me tired. It used to in the beginning but I should be used to it by now. So weird how medications work. At least the new NSAID is helping with the pain. I just wish it didn’t sometimes upset my stomach, even with having a meal. I had a turkey and ham sandwich when I took it and my stomach is still bothering me. I don’t get it. I know it’s an extended release drug so maybe that is why it is bothering me. I don’t want to stop taking it. I plan on calling my doc on Friday to tell him how it’s going. I was going to call this afternoon but it’s late now and the office is closed.

Someone on Twitter just posted a stigmatizing meme on depression. It said that 200 million people will suffer from depression and with it a loss of 17 million dollars in work loss production. Why is depression always targeted as a work loss? Why isn’t arthritis or diabetes seen as work loss days as well? It sickens me that these people who want to destigmatize mental health are hindering it with these numbers. How is a person supposed to be open with their employer when they could get canned because they call out too much for their illness? Or worse, be open during the interview and not get hired because their employer will see this as work loss production. It just astounds me, and pisses me off.

I was thinking of making fish and chips tonight but it’s too hot in the kitchen to turn on the oven. I don’t know what I will have for dinner tonight. Maybe I will have just a bagel.