Category: depression

Wicked Hot and Tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Hot and Tired

The temp finally reached 90 degrees and the humidity is about the same, if not higher. It’s gross. So what does my mother do after getting her blood drawn for tests? Go food shopping. I swear she bought the store because there were two carts of shopping. And guess who had to lug these bags up the stairs to our apartment? My ankle is hating me right now. I was drenched. I went slow so not to exhaust myself because the house was hotter than it was outside. We don’t have AC in the house, just in my room where I can be comfortably cold. It took forever to cool down my room because I had shut off the AC before leaving the house. Why waste energy. We were gone for about three hours, two at the damn grocery store. I seriously was getting worried because it was close to lunch time and wasn’t sure if she was becoming hypo or not. My mother has diabetes and that doesn’t bode well with hot weather. But she made it alright. Two carriages later!

Now that my mother has stocked the freezer and fridge, there is no point in me doing my shopping this week. I really wanted to get BallPark patties again so I could have a cheeseburger when I wanted one. They are really good and taste like a Salisbury steak, if you like that. Maybe I will buy them anyways. I need to get more powerade so I don’t run out. The nice part of getting the burgers is so I don’t pay the same price at a sub shop for one. I get a package of I think 8 burgers for $7. It’s easy to make, just 75 seconds in the microwave and fix it the way you want it. YUM! Whereas if you go to the sub shop, you are paying $8 plus delivery tip and if you need a drink. So it could be as much as 15 bucks. For one burger! All this talk about burgers is really making me want one. But I don’t get paid until Wednesday.

I started writing my therapist another letter. It’s going to take weeks for her to read them. And I don’t care. This was her request and she got it. I have been slowing down in my writing to her though. Since I have been writing, I haven’t been texting her as much. I have no idea if she has service in Hawaii or not. Though she might be on her way home by now. I can’t wait to talk to her next week. There is so much to catch up on.

Other than this blog, I have not done any writing today. I should have grabbed a notepad with me to bring while I was waiting for my mother while she shopped. I could have written something. But I didn’t think of it. Course I just thought she was just getting a “few things” and we’d be out sooner than I thought we were. Just fucking kills me that I waste so much time during the day and then when I do have something to write it’s really late and I am tired. Of course, my best ideas come in the evening/late hours. I should just leave time open then to write. But then baseball interferes as I have to listen to the game. Today is a double header because the game was rained out last night. One game is at 5 and the other at 10. I don’t think I have ever been more excited and I don’t know why. I know they are going to lose, but you never know by how much. They have the rookie pitcher playing the first game. He is really good, when his location is on the mark, and the umpire is a good one. Lately, the umps have sucked and called close pitches balls instead of strikes. Pisses a lot of fans of, including me!

Random 286

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up in pain this morning so took some pain pills. If I had known they were going to make me drowsy all day, I wouldn’t have taken the two. I have been asleep on and off for most of the day. I slept so much that it’s too late now to have a cup of coffee. I was looking forward to making it. I will tomorrow.

While I was waiting for the meds to work, I started writing a letter to my therapist. I don’t think I wrote very much as the meds worked faster than I thought it would. I will go back to it sometime later this evening to finish it off. I am almost up to ten pages and I think that is enough for one envelope. I didn’t write all in one sitting. It is an accumulation of the last several days. I figured I would just have it all in one document rather than have several documents and then print each one. When I do get up to ten pages, I will then print and mail it out. This is the second packet of letters she will be getting. She is gone this week so will have another packet sent sometime next weekend. She will have a lot of reading to do when she is back, but she wanted it. I warned her there would be a lot of writing. I just wish the writing was useful so I could use it for my book. I wanted to do some of that kind of writing today but it didn’t happen. I need Hyde to write and he has gone underground or something. He is my muse as well as an “alter”.

It is wicked humid, so humid that my room is barely cool. I have the AC on medium and at 62. It’s fighting to keep the room at this temp. The whole house is so hot, I don’t know how my mother can stand it. But she refuses to have an AC because she doesn’t like the cold and the electric bill that follows. Weirdo she is.

Baseball game isn’t on until eight. I have no idea what to do with my time. I just have been on Twitter and FB. Neither have been really interesting. I missed the BPD chat on Twitter. I always forget because I have dinner the same time as the chat so I miss it. Tonight’s topic was on friendships and it was interesting with lots of discussion. I like this chat because it’s my one time during the week I get to socialize with people with similar issues. I don’t have BPD, but I used to have the traits (meaning I met some of the criteria for the disorder but not quite).

I read on Twitter that a mother was arrested at a food court with her children 30 feet away while doing a job interview. What bothers me is that this mother is black. If she was white, I doubt anyone would have batted an eye. Now this woman has a criminal record, which no employer wants, and how is she supposed to care for her kids now? Child services most like will be on her tail and she may not even have custody anymore. It’s just sad. I don’t agree with what she did but 30 feet is not far, in my opinion. It wasn’t like what that other mother did, leaving the kids in a hot car while going on an interview. That was terrible.

Because I have been so sleepy the last few days, I haven’t been reading much. I finished Uncle Tom’s Cabin finally early last week. I have been trying to get into Neil Gaiman’s “American Gods” but the book is very weird and strange. I have to put the book down after I read a chapter. Since the last time I read it, I haven’t been able to pick it up. I have the “Game of Thrones” book but that one is more scary than strange. I really want to read Harry Potter but I don’t have the books with me and I don’t know where they are. I want to buy the paperback collection on Amazon but I don’t think I will be able to afford it this month. It is my “being alive” reward to myself. I probably will be able to get it next month, if my finances cooperate. I have to get a BP monitor so I can watch my heart rate and check my blood pressure when I have pain spikes. My old machine died and I really need to get it replaced. Walgreens had the machine for $90 but the same model on Amazon was less than half price. Score for me! It is a wrist monitor so I don’t have to struggle with getting the thing on my upper arm. I don’t know how reliable these things are as who takes the blood pressure from the wrist? But it must be accurate as my friend, who also has high blood pressure, uses the model I am getting. I just hope I am not wasting my money on it.

I had a friend that I had to cut ties with because she always and only calls on me when she is in crisis. The last time we talked, I was trying to get her not to cut. She cut anyway despite my attempts to tell her that if she did, our friendship was over. I had to do something DBT like to get her to stop the cutting impulse and I failed. She recently tried to contact me again, not understanding why I was so upset with her. I haven’t responded to her messages because I just can’t handle her right now. I am struggling with my demons and it would be foolish to try and help her when I can’t even help myself. I feel really bad about not helping her but I won’t stand for someone injuring themselves while trying to help them. That’s just wrong in my book.

3rd Year Anniversary

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Third Year Anniversary

Today marks the third anniversary of when I started my blog. So Happy I started this blog. I never thought it would be successful as it is. I get around 1,000 views a month. I am approaching 44,000 views right now. I should reach that milestone next week, or in the next few days. It is always hard to tell because sometimes my readership goes through the roof and other days it is at a stand still.

I have been writing a letter to my therapist most of the day. I have just been telling her about how my day has gone. It has gone fairly well. I slept till 0930, which is shocking. I went to bed around 0200 so I got about seven and a half hours sleep, which is good. I can’t remember the last time I slept, continuously, for that length of time. And I also took a two hour nap. The game is at nine tonight so I should have no problems listening to it. I like listening to the game, even though the announcers sometimes annoy me when they don’t talk about the game. One of the announcers has become fixated on the fact that none of the starters this year last more than 4-5 innings. It is rare to see a starter pitch to the 7th or 8th inning. He says this every single game and it is followed by a “taxed bullpen”. Tell us something we don’t know, Joe (that is his name).

I finally edited my book and trimmed it down to 29 pages. I hated doing it but the last few blogs that I attached were not consistent with what I was writing. I mean, writing about how my brother in law put in my AC is fine for a blog post, not so much for book material. I thought about cutting and pasting but I really couldn’t find anything worthy of it. I will have to start fresh, which is harder than it seems. I will try and start writing Monday, unless I get inspired before then. My writing has always been a hit or miss. And now that I have pressure from my two treaters on my writing, it is going to get a lot harder.

I signed up for a writer’s group last night. It was something my pdoc suggested. I am glad I found out where it was because it definitely wasn’t where I thought it would be. So next week is starting to fill in some time. Monday I take my mother food shopping, Wednesday is the workshop, and Thursday is, as usual, dealing with my father. I also will be going out to eat with my friends that night. It is going to be a long day. I haven’t decided if I am going to bring my laptop or not. I definitely will be bringing my notepad with me. I most likely will be at the train station long enough to do some writing. Only trouble with writing on a notepad is then typing up what I wrote and deciphering my handwriting afterwards. It is this reason that I am typing my letter to my therapist.

I have been in a relatively stable mood today, neither happy nor sad. Guess you can say I have been neutral. The pain of living is still there. I can’t stand being in pain, mentally or physically. My tolerance has been exceeded, not because of the severity of the pain, but by the consistency of it. Every single day I am in pain with my foot and it brings me down. I really haven’t done anything except go up and down stairs. It is hurting me as if I walked for miles. I don’t know where the pain comes from. The doctors can only make guesses as to what is the trouble. The consensus is tendonitis but with rest and ice, it should have been gone by now and it shows no sign of leaving. Then you have the mental pain that I struggle with on a daily basis. Late at night, my heart just breaks in two for no reason. It just hurts. I get the heaviness in my chest and my soul aches. Nothing brings this on. And again, it’s night after night. Thrown together with my physical pain and I am at my wits end. I haven’t showered since Wednesday night. I feel gross. But I am babysitting so I can’t shower just yet. I probably will before turning in to bed and listening to the game. I hope it relieves this headache that I have.

Tough Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Tough Day

I am feeling like a complete loser and failure at the moment. I reluctantly saw my anxious psychiatrist today. She knows I usually get there early but because her front office staff changed, they didn’t page her when I checked in. She got really worried but was happy to see me when I came to her office. We talked, about what I don’t really remember. Just was feeling sorry for myself. I know I told her about how my PCP always gives me a hard time about my weight. She asked if it was critical or not. It’s hard to tell with him because he is so dry. We then started talking about my writing. She told me about a writer’s group in my area. I looked it up and it’s actually in Downtown. I will have to check it out. They have a free writers hour next Wednesday. I hope I remember to go. I was on my phone looking them up so a couple of the links weren’t really working.

I took the train home like I always do. When I got to a stop, a lady with a walker literally forced someone out of the spot for disability. I couldn’t believe how rude she was. Course the guy saw her and didn’t move to offer her the seat, but that was beside the point. I would have hollered back saying you don’t have to be so rude. I have seen people do that before but never in that manner. The bus was late when I got to my stop. It’s always fricken late. Sometimes it doesn’t even show up. And it was a crazy bus driver that had lead on the gas. I hate when buses drive fast. It gives me anxiety.

I mailed my therapist her first packet of letters. I am kind of finding it easy to type so she doesn’t have to struggle to read my handwriting. I have bad handwriting. Sometimes, I can’t even make out what I wrote. So the next packet will be a mix of written and typed letters. Writing to her helps. But it’s detracting me from my own writing.

I have been thinking about opening a new checking account to a bank that is across the street from me. This is so I don’t have to go to the Square for when I have to deposit a check. But I need a bank that will accept foreign currency as direct deposits. I still am having trouble with my royalties being paid to me because my bank rejects it. This is because it is not USD. Citizen’s has a one deposit checking account that supposedly has no fees as long as you deposit at least once a month. But I got to call them to find out about the currency policy. I don’t want to open the new account and then run into the same problem.

I woke up this morning with my ankle killing me. It hasn’t improved as the day went on. I haven’t walked more than I normally have so I don’t know why it’s bothering me. I really want to be more active but my damn ankle makes it impossible. I think the new medicine is working as the tightness around my ankle is less, which hopefully means the swelling of the tendons has gone down some. It’s not completely gone, but it is less. Only thing that sucks with this medicine is that I have to eat with it, which sometimes isn’t ideal. I try to take it with food or after a meal. Otherwise, I just don’t take it. This is an NSAID known to cause stomach bleeding so I don’t want to mess with it.