Category: depression

Another day dealing with depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I started editing my new book today. It is based on this blog post https://midnightdemon.com/2014/02/01/darkness-always-wins-updated-version/ . I got to the 4th page and had to edit a page out of it. I hated to do that but it was just so triggering that I thought it should be left out. It’s one thing to go on and on about being depressed, quite another to talk about cutting. It lead to the Segway of Mr. Hyde, which I guess I will keep. I had to stop there because it was depressing me and I was thinking, who the hell is going to read this shit!??

Had therapy. It didn’t go so well for my therapist’s end. She had an echo so heard herself twice. HAHA. She needs a new phone, whether she likes it or not. I still had no intention of talking to her today. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. She tried to get me to talk, though she did assess that it was my sister’s lack of support that is contributing to my depression. I also said that it’s been a week or more since my last “good” piece of writing. I have to deal with my father tomorrow for his doctor’s appointment and then fill his meds. I also have to go to the pharmacy and pick up one of his meds that I forgot to tell him about. He was out of his house and I didn’t talk to him till around 1600, so the chances of him going were impossible. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me.

I still am depressed and my taste buds are affected. Nothing tastes the way it should. I had two cups of coffee today that tasted like shit. I barely drank either of them. The second cup, I wasted money on. I should have just ordered a mocha, but I wanted coffee. Tomorrow I will have my mocha, free as I have a reward through my Starbucks card. Buy 12 drinks, get the next one free. I like free. It sucks that I still have this lousy depression kicking around. I emailed my psychiatrist and she wants me to see her on Friday. I really don’t want to, because what is she going to do? It’s not like she has a magic pill for me. Sometimes, I get really frustrated seeing her because there is no easy answer for me. I have treatment resistant depression. I am tempted to go back on Zoloft just to see if it will work again but after a while, it makes me nauseous so defeats the purpose of taking it. Only drug I have not tried is Effexor and that is because of the list of side effects a mile long, one of which is stomach upset. I’m not that desperate to try a drug on my sensitive stomach.

I am very tired of trying drug after drug and having it fail me. Or it works for a little while and then stops working. I would love to try a weight loss drug and see if that helps with my mood and energy levels. It would beat staying in this pit that I am in. But my doc just wants me to lose it the old fashioned way, diet and exercise. That is all well and good, but I can’t diet and I can’t exercise because of my fricken pain, which he knows all too well. I have tried to restrict calories but it’s harder than it sounds. I try to eat three meals a day, sometimes two and I still don’t drop any weight. I don’t gain any either so I am doing something right. But I have gained five pounds over the last three weeks. I think it’s because I have been eating cheeseburgers (homemade) and a few donuts. That was when my taste buds were working good, and I had an appetite. Now I am back to having no appetite and bad taste buds. Even the spaghetti that my mother cooked tonight tasted bland. I know there was garlic and some kind of herb in it but I couldn’t taste it. It just tasted like cardboard.

I have been following Peter Williams on Twitter for the last couple of weeks. He played a system lord in the TV series Stargate. I followed him because he is a good actor. But the thing is, I had no idea people were very fond of the character, the bad guy! It’s not helping my delusions about ISIS and the Goa’ulds taking them over! Granted the character died a painful death on the show. I forget how he died exactly, but he was expecting us humans to save him, a GOD. OOPS, too bad, we don’t have that kind of power! I just saw that fan nuts are making Apophis (name of his character) money in his name! Like “in Apophis we trust”! I am going nuts with the influx of delusional stuff going on in my head right now. Might need to take a trilafon so my head doesn’t explode.

Meh Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a meh day. I had wanted to do some stuff today before going out but that never happened. So I decided to stay in. I was so sleepy after my therapy session. I rested a couple of hours. My phone kept going off though so I really couldn’t get into a deep sleep. My cousin called to say my mother had bags but I didn’t answer it. Hell, I wasn’t going to risk a flare up of pain because he refused to go up the stairs. It wouldn’t hurt him. It would hurt me.

I then get two ‘unavailable’ phone calls. The 1st didn’t leave a message. The second call did. It was strange. It said that I was being taken to court, but couldn’t give the reason, and they would sign the documents required. Whole thing was fishy. Normally, collections don’t leave messages like that. Hell, even lawyers don’t leave messages like that! I haven’t received anything in the mail the last few weeks telling me I am being taken to court. Sure I owe money, who doesn’t. But it would be nice to know who is taking me to fucking court! Damn jerks. And besides, there has been no summons in my mailbox telling me I have to be in court. They didn’t identify themselves in the call so I am just going to ignore it.

I have been so sleepy today that I didn’t make coffee. I haven’t done nothing I was going to do today. Though, I still might take a shower tonight. So much for editing my book. I know it will get done. It’s only 42 pages. It’s not overwhelming me, yet. Once it does, I will hire an editor. I was going to hire the same one but she never answered my question about time frames so I don’t think I am going back to her. I became friends with her on FB and all she writes is that she is “busting her butt with all this work”. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s tiring. Last time I tried working with her, it took 4 months after my last payment to her to work on my book.

I had therapy. I wish it went well, but it didn’t. She kept on going off about my sister interfering with my telling my mother about my TG issues and how I want to be named. I told my therapist, I wasn’t going to pursue the matter. And half way through session, I just wanted to get off the phone with her. I don’t even want to talk to her tomorrow, but it’s too late to cancel. I usually like talking with my therapist but sometimes I get into these moods where I don’t want to talk at all, to anyone. My therapist calls it the “fuck its”. She also wants to know my psychiatrist’s input on what I have been sending her. I really don’t care and its not like she (pdoc) is going to tell me. If she wants to find out, why doesn’t she call her? I don’t understand why I have to be the middle man. I don’t see my pdoc until next week anyways. I could be in a worse mood by then.

I have been following a bipolar Twitter account. It asks questions about how to manage certain symptoms of bipolar and the like. I was reading I think yesterday how one person wrote 50,000 words in one night because s/he was manic. I’m lucky to write a thousand in one of my extreme moods. If I get going, I can easily write at least two thousand, but I have never written more than an hour or two, and certainly, not all night. Some people go by pages. My writing partner does that. I don’t know how many words are in those pages but she gets them done. I have to try and start putting myself on a schedule if I want this book to happen. But it’s so hard to write when you are not in the mood and can’t think of anything to say. My blogs are easier because it’s just a telling of how my day went, my online journal. Sure when I am piped up on something, my writing goes on and on, but for the most part, I try to keep it within three pages. Only my papers on suicide are longer than that.

Sox are winning so far at the bottom of the 7th inning. Last night they lost again. I can’t say that I was disappointed. I expected them to lose. If you expect a loss, you can’t be disappointed, right?

Rainy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I went to bed pretty late last night despite going to sleep at an early hour. I woke up around 2300 and couldn’t go back to sleep. I hate when that happens. I really didn’t think I was going to wake up but I had to pee and that is how I got my second wind.

It’s raining so I don’t feel like walking to the Post Office to mail my therapist’s letter. I also don’t feel like going out to get a Father’s day gift. I can do that tomorrow. I really have been bored the last few hours. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I was thinking of clearing off my bureau so it’s not so cluttered but fear a domino effect will happen once I start moving stuff. Maybe I will just take all the pens that have accumulated and place them in a box. I am a pen hoarder. I will admit to that.

I never finished reading that chapter in Dostoevsky. I just haven’t been in the mood to read. So I am just listening to my music. I need the music to keep my brain from going mush. I am really tired and want a nap but it’s close to dinner time and I know my mother is going to be calling soon. If she doesn’t, I plan on making some tater tots for supper. It is my go to when I don’t want anything else to eat.

My mood has been okay today. I have neither been up or down. I just have been too bored to really feel anything. I made the phone calls that I needed to make this morning when I got up. I really am having a lazy day. But then, most of my days are lazy. I just stay in my room and play on the laptop for most of the day, doing nothing. I really want to work on my book, but I don’t want to do it at home. I rather work on it at Starbucks where I won’t be so distracted by the internet. I just can’t seem to focus like I used to. It all depends on the mood I am and if I have a clear head. If I am depressed or feeling “meh”, I just don’t do as well as if I was clearheaded and not so depressed. I still have the “why bothers” creeping around because my suicidality lurks. It’s extremely difficult to think of a future when you want to kill yourself. I guess to try and psych myself up, I went ahead and put in the title of the book and got the ISBN number. It’s the number given to all books as sort of a library code or something. I have no idea what “ISBN” stands for. Probably International System of Book Numbers, for all I know. There are two numbers you are given, ISBN and a ISBN-10. I don’t know what the difference means. I knew the Dewey decimal system way back in high school as I used to spend time with the librarian. She was a sweet lady, who believed in me. Always told everyone that I was going to be the first doctor out of my high school. I guess now, I would be a disappointment to her. But I bet I am the first person out of the school to publish a book!

I hope the rain causes tonight’s game to be postponed. The Sox have been playing so shitty, I can’t bear to listen to the game anymore. Yesterday in the abysmal loss, two fans rushed the field, causing a delay of game. I don’t know why anyone would do that when the game is a loss. Course, I don’t know why they would do it if they were winning, either. I guess because people are morons. I get that the fans are unhappy. They pay a lot of money to go to the home games and when you lose, it’s like you are losing your money. The Sox have had more loss streaks than any other team in the AL. Tonight we are supposed to play the Braves. Maybe if I root for them, my home team will win.

Saturday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 24

I had a late sleep. I didn’t get up till after 1100. I haven’t done much, except answer a few emails and editing/format my book. I wrote up the title page. Once I have another 50 pages or so, I will enter the book in my writing cue so I can get the ISBN number to add to the word doc. While going through the pages, I realized I had written something twice so I took it out.

It’s a warm Saturday, temperatures in the 80s. I went out to get my prescription and was really hot just walking the short distance that I did. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a cook out but I did something to my toe and can barely walk without pain so I doubt I am going to go. It really sucks because my cousin has a pool. I am hoping that if I stay off it the rest of the night, it might get better. I somehow caused my toe to get a blister and it is all red and swollen. It’s my nerve damaged toe so I can’t really “feel” it. I am listening to the Sox in extra innings, the score is tied at 4.

I haven’t done much in self care. I wanted to take a shower but haven’t yet. I probably will before bed. My mood still sucks. I haven’t been able to get out of it. My sister called my mother today and I was afraid that she was going to say something about last night but she didn’t. I forgot to send the blog I wrote last night to my therapist. I will later. She isn’t going to read it until our next session anyway. I just feel like I am not being validated. And that hurts more than anything. That is why it sent me to a crisis mode last night. I reached out but a blogger friend helped me more than the crisis line did. Sometimes, when you are in that mode, all you need to do is talk to someone who understands. My friend is gay so she gets some of the issues. She has a friend that is MTF so is understanding of transgender issues. I just wish my family had a fucking clue.

I finished the book about Shame and Perfectionism. Apparently, all you need is self-awareness to overcome the depression and anxiety in your life to change the abyss. The last chapter was so full of bullshit I could use it as toilet paper. Throughout the book, the author reiterates over and over how she hopes this book helps the reader, like it is a god-send or something. Anything but. The exercises she gives are complex and requires serious thought which sometimes is clear enough, but some of the exercises are not so straightforward. It would have helped greatly if she gave an example of an answer in real language, rather than clinical talk. The book did help in some areas and I have written about it in a letter to my therapist. I am going to use this paragraph as part of the review I am going to send. It will be in a little bit more detail, but that is the gist of what I will be writing about.

My brother in law asked if I was still going tomorrow. I told him it depends on how I feel. He said we will be taking my sister’s car, which I will be driving home as I am the designated driver. If I don’t go he will be screwed. I really want to go but I don’t want to be in pain the whole time I am there. It will be miserable for me and it’s not like I can just drop them off and come home and wait for them to call when ready to come home. My cousin lives too far away for that. So I guess I will be going, regardless of how I am feeling. I will pack a bag tonight for tomorrow. I hope it turns out okay.