Category: mood disorders

Post 1668

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1668

As tired as I fucking am, I am can’t sleep. I just took my night meds so I am hoping they will knock me out some. I wrote to my psychiatrist telling her that my depressive symptoms are getting worse, not better. I also gave an update on my father as he was discharged today. No more running back and forth to the hospital, least for now.

I don’t have a lot on my mind. It’s so fucking hard when you can’t think. I really feel like I am doped up on trilafon but I’m not. It’s just really difficult trying to pull my thoughts together to string a sentence along.

I was having side effects of the abilify. It’s the second time in the last two weeks this has happened. I don’t know if the Zoloft is interacting or not. I sent off an email to my psych. The spasms are the worse than the string bean feeling in my extremities. Then I was having back spasms, too. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if it’s called akathisia or dystonia but it fucking sucks. I told my psych I had to take an extra Ativan to settle it down. I hate having to take an extra one so close to the first one but what choice did I have? It was three hours ago that I took my meds. The side effects woke me up from sleep. I have never had that happen before.

I feel so drained, like all the energy has been sucked from my body. I took my weight today and I am down eight pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I am getting closer to my goal of being 185. Not ideal but it’s better than what I am now. Maybe if I am down, I can get off one of my blood pressure medicines. I really would love to get off the labetalol because I have to take it twice a day. Sometimes I forget to take the morning dose. I am better at taking it with the app that I have but on the mornings when I have appointments or need to see my father, I forget to bring it with me to take.

I took some magnesium tonight to try and combat the spasms I was having in my back. I got to remember to take it because it really does help me. I remember reading about magnesium more than ten years ago and how essential it was in treating certain disorders. The author was advocating for a higher range of magnesium in the blood. I don’t remember his reasoning, but if I come across his article, I will post it. It used to be on the web but the website is no longer there.

The thing I am worried about is that my bowels weren’t feeling right yesterday. I had missed having an accident twice yesterday because of loose stool. And tonight with my night meds, I took my Senna. I was going to skip it but forgot. Now I am going to be house bound until my bowels let loose. I hope that by noon I will have a movement so I can go to my father’s to do what I need to do.

Meds have kicked in. I am no longer a spaz. Wish the meds helped ease the tension in my neck but I guess you can’t have everything.

Painfully slow day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Painfully slow day

If you ever want to look at the definition of psychomotor retardation, today I was the clear picture of it. I could not move fast to save my life. Every thing is in slow motion. I slept for most of the day after my groceries were delivered. I was able to take a shower and then planned on seeing my father but it didn’t happen. I was too sleepy after the shower to even think about getting dressed. My thoughts are again slower than molasses. I had some time to write before my sister picks me up to go to the hospital.

I just feel like shit. This has to be the worse depression I have had. I have never been a slow person before. Even making dinner tonight was a hassle. It must have taken me ten minutes to open the package of ribs just to place them in the baking pan to cook. I hate feeling like this and I feel so weepy, like if things don’t go my way, I am going to cry.

Things have never been this bad for me, that I can recall. I would give anything to be some what hypomanic right now just so this slowness goes away. It’s so painful not to have your thoughts at normal speed. I keep staring at the cursor and wonder what will come next but nothing is there. I have this huge sadness on my chest and I just want to sleep it away.

random 325

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was planning on resting today but I had to go out as it was 60 degrees. The rest of the week is a shit show of cold weather so I wanted to try to go out today. I went and got my roast beef sandwich with onion rings. I couldn’t finish the onion rings but I did the sandwich. I think it’s going to be the only thing I eat today.

I had therapy. Last twenty minutes were tough. I didn’t want to talk anymore. And she kept wanting to. I asked her why she still wants to deal with me. She said I was stuck with her, or something of that nature. I was feeling down and didn’t want to talk about it. There is only so much you can say when you are feeling down. She wanted to make sure I am still taking the sertraline. I don’t know why she has to ask me this every time I talk with her. And it’s not really helping me right now. I feel no difference.

My sister visited my father but he was having a procedure done so missed him. I haven’t heard anything. I haven’t called the floor to see how he is doing. I am taking an off day from him and will get the information second hand through one of my sisters.

I am still feeling very tired and I am in pain. My foot didn’t like walking to the roast beef place but it was worth it. I really like their food. I could have ordered from another place but it’s not the same. I don’t have anything to do tonight at all. I am just going to keep my foot up on my bed and the only time I will be off is to use the bathroom. Maybe I will get some reading done tonight. I can’t say for sure because right now I am having a hard time staying awake. I am just so tired.

I ordered my groceries and they are scheduled to come between 0730 and 930 tomorrow. Early start to my day. After the delivery, I plan on getting a haircut. Then I will come home, shower, relax for a bit, then go to the hospital. This is all tentative, except for the groceries, to how my energy levels are and how much sleep I get.

random 199

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had a long tiring day. I didn’t sleep well again. I went to bed around midnight only to wake up five hours later. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I have been up all day. I tried to take a nap after my therapist’s appt but my phone kept going off. I had to keep it on in case the hospital called or my sister did with an update on my father. He was supposed to go for a test today but it got cancelled at the end of the day. He is up first thing tomorrow morning, supposedly. I hope no more emergent cases come up.

My therapy appointment went ok. We talked about how tired I was and she read the latest blog I sent her about cement shoes. She really liked it. She wish I had this creativity without the depression though. You can’t really have one or the other. I have to have the depression to write these things. I toldher I might see her tomorrow and she said it was okay if I didn’t see her. She is worried that my exhaustion level might be too much for the 30 mile drive to her office. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I won’t be stopping by the hospital if I do go. It will be too much for me.

We recapped what my psychiatrist had said to me just as I was ready to leave her office. She said that if the Zoloft doesn’t work out, I can stop it or if I want to stop it I can. She is okay with it. I told my therapist I wasn’t expecting to be on a 50 mg dose. I thought my psych would just give me 25 mg and be done with it. Guess she has other plans for me. My psych also said we can go up to 100 mg if I tolerate it. I was overwhelmed with that idea. I just wanted to be on 25 mg. I started the 50 mg dose last night. I still have no change in my mood and my hopelessness is increasing. I have been on it for almost a week now. I have no side effects so far.

We kept the conversation away from my father. I didn’t want to talk about him at all. Other than giving her an update on where he was at, that was the bulk of the one minute conversation about him. The rest of the session we just talked about how crappy I felt. I swear at one point I was ready to fall asleep. I was just so tired. I have spent that last three days at the hospital. Tomorrow is my break. My ankle just can’t handle another day of traveling. Maybe I will go to my therapist’s office next week. I will just order my groceries tomorrow. I also need to pick up my prescriptions. I hope I don’t have a pain filled night again. Last night was awful.