Category: suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 5

It’s another Saturday. I wanted to do nothing today but when I woke up, I really wanted a cup of coffee so I made a cup. I then decided to go to the grocery store to get my own cream so I don’t have to keep taking my sister’s. I also got some American cheese as it was on sale. I don’t know how, but the few things I bought came to about $20. And now I am hurting because I was standing too much while waiting at the deli counter.

I woke up at 0330 in pain. I am starting to think that my pain meds wear off and soon after, I wake up because the pain is so bad. This is the second night in a row that I woke up in the wee hours of the morning. My thoughts got really dark and I started planning my death. I think I even texted my therapist that I was going to do something and this time, she is not going to stop me. I just can’t stand being in pain anymore. It’s exhausting.

Last night I went out to see a friend of mine from Australia. My pain level was medium so I could actually see him without it bothering me too much. And if it did, at least I could rest today. We had a good chat and then he was off to his next destination, NJ (New Jersey for those not familiar with US abbreviations). He messaged me just as I was waking up this morning. I had to laugh out loud when I said who the hell would be wanted to chat at this hour. I am glad it was him telling me he arrived okay and not someone else. I really was not in the mood to talk to someone at 0330! I was in a lot of pain and in a really bad mood.

In baseball news, my boys still suck. They lost to the Skankees last night 6-0. I am glad I didn’t watch the game because I was out with my friend. Then today I find out they called up a rookie only to have him sit on the bench. I am shaking my head at that one. But I think he will play later in the game as Nava doesn’t play complete games. They usually pull him after the 5th inning. I hope they put in the rookie and not Gomes. Gomes has sucked as a pinch hitter and worse as an outfielder. He just doesn’t have the same interest in playing like he did last year. Least that what it looks like to me when I watch him play.

Just realized, I forgot to get cookies while I was at the grocery store. Dammit. Oreo just came out with Reese peanut butter Oreos. They are the BOMB. My niece and I ate the entire package in one day. They were that good! I don’t think I can go back to regular Oreos now. I wish they just sold the chocolate cookies. I can do without the plain crème. Now I want something sweet.

Wear this pain like a heavy coat

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

It never ends. I am typing this on my phone so if there are blatant typos, I apologize. I just can not be bothered opening my laptop again to type this up.

It’s 0230 and you know what that means—> I am in pain. YAY!! My back is the cause this time. My ankle hurts but not as bad.

I was reading over my last post I sent to my therapist. It was stupid. I talk about being in pain and then I talk about euthanasia. But not for humans, for animals because it is more “humane”, whatever that means.

I am in the frame of mind that if I lived alone, I most likely would try to end my life right now. But I live with my mother and I don’t want her finding my body. I have one option, to die in my car but the weather is going to be in the 90s the next few days. I might stroke out before I actually die by suffocating.

I know I won’t feel this way in the morning. I might even forget I wrote this. I just am in a lot of fricken pain and there is no one I can talk to about it at this hour. So I am blogging about it. Writing is my one option that is left to me. And no one can take it away from me, not unless they break my hands.

Speaking of breaking bones, you know little people use that method so they can grow taller? It is a painful process as soon as they start healing the bones have to be broken again. and it can only be done at a certain age. It puts my pain in perspective but then I think, do these little people have the same struggles with pain meds as the rest of us with chronic pain?? One of the little people actually got high and then decided he was not going to take them anymore. I have never gotten high on my pain meds. I often wonder what it is like but I don’t experiment to find out. I really don’t want to know because who is to say that I won’t act on my suicidal feelings while high. When I first got a contact high off marijuana, it really made me suicidal. My friend had to take me home because he thought I would end my life by jumping in front of the train. I never touched THC ever again.

And I wasn’t in any type of physical pain then. I know pain is driving me insane. I have been in pain every day for the past week or so. It wears on you like a heavy coat in July. And no matter how hard you try to take it off, it just gets heavier and heavier.

Different Theories of Suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Different Theories of Suicide

A few weeks ago I participated in a twitter chat (@SPSMChat). The discussion was about how Joiner’s Interpersonal Theory was the cause of suicide. The theory is the hypothesis that Perceived Burdensomeness (PB), Thwarted Belongingness (TB), and fearlessness of lethality all contribute to a suicide. Perceived Burdensomeness is when a person thinks they are a burden to society, their family, and their significant others. It is the “better off” type of feelings that are believed to go into suicidal thinking.

Thwarted belongingness (TB) is when a person believes that they are outcasts of society or group they belong to. They feel they do not belong to any such group and thus feel isolated and alone.

Fearlessness of lethality is a premise that the person doesn’t have a fear of death. It is like a Russian roulette towards death. An example of this is taken from the book Myth of suicide by Thomas joiner is Kurt Cobain. He was at first totally against the use of guns but then acclimated to them and then use a rifle to inflict his death. His lyrics speak to his struggle with suicide and depression as well as the pain he was feeling.

While Joiner’s theory does have some merit, it, like other theories of suicide cannot be proven due to the nature of the study. No ethic board would condone the death of the subject to prove a hypothesis.

The other theory that comes to mind is Shneidman’s theory of psychache as a causal factor in suicide. The here is that deep, unbearable pain is the reason behind suicidal thinking and action. In my own personal experience, I thought for a long time that I don’t belong to any group. And I also thought that I was a burden to others. But what drove me to the brink of death was the deep psychological pain that I was feeling, an element that I believe Joiner is lacking in his theory. If you combine psychological pain with TB and PB then you have a nice recipe for suicide.

There is some merits with Joiner’s Interpersonal theory of suicide but I believe whole heartedly he is missing the key element of pain. I really believe that if he adds psychological pain to his theory it will be a valid theory, in my opinion.

new journal and Crisis Response Plan

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

thought this might be useful to some of my new followers

Midnight Demon's avatarmidnightdemons7

I started a new journal tonight. And like every other journal before it, the first two things that go into it is my crisis response plan and the Holden psychache scale, though lately it just is my response plan.

I tried finding the response plan online but all I found was emergency planning and a very LONG one that the Navy cooked up, most likely from the article I read about military suicide crisis training. I tried to find the article but I am unable to locate it in my files. I haven’t searched my thumb drive because I can’t locate that either. GGGRRRR so I hope I am not plagiarizing when I post this plan here on my blog:

Crisis response plan:
When thinking about suicide, I agree to do the following:

Step 1: Try to identify my thoughts and specifically what’s upsetting me
Step 2: Write out and…

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