Category: suicide attempt

a mix of things

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was the last day of spring training at Fort Meyers and the Sox won. I love it. Would have been better if I watched but the stupid hockey game was on. I can’t wait for Monday’s game against the Skankees.

I was talking with a friend of mine when an idea struck. She is writing a book about her coin finding and I thought that I should do the same but about songs. I have a knack for songs finding me and having some deep meaning with me. Take for example Gloriana’s new single, “Can’t Shake You”. It is the perfect song of when my therapist left me and I couldn’t get over her. Or Rascal Flatts “the Broken Road”. I hear that and it makes me think of my friend Melinda who if she didn’t cross my path when she did, I doubt that I would be here today. I can write most songs that I listen to that have a meaning for me. I don’t know if this is just the crazy part of me but I know sometimes these songs talk to me.

Went to Starbucks today to have my Isla Flores, my Indonesian coffee that I absolutely love. This has to be the third or fourth coffee from that country that I like. I still have my Blue Java and they also have the West Java which I am kind of crazy about but it can be a little overwhelming with the aftertaste. I have switched to drinking my coffees iced and that has helped. I just wish I could make iced coffee at home without diluting it.

Of course the temperature today is twenty degrees higher than it has been all week and my back is paying the price for it. I keep on getting spasms in my back. I am so far resisting the urge to pop a pain pill as the sciatica is just about my breaking point. I am supposed to watch my niece tonight and I hope that my back cooperates. I’d hate to cancel on my brother in law’s birthday because my back is hurting.

blog post 262

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I have been up since eight. I tried to go back to sleep but failed. Woke up again from a strange dream, which I have been having all week. I don’t know why that is. I have stopped taking my pain meds for the time being to see if that was making the weird dreams but it is not. I don’t know what is causing this. Might be my mood stabilizer. I remember going through a period of this when I first started it. It will phase out eventually but it is disturbing as hell.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was exhausted and had another headache. So far I have been getting them the past three days at the exact same time. Another oddity. I took some migraine meds and that seemed to put it to a holt for now. We’ll know this afternoon if it comes back, I guess.

I have decided I won’t be going back to group therapy. It is just too stressful for me. The walking is too far and hurts me and after each session I want to kill myself.

I will be going to visual therapy starting next week. For some reason they called me last night to confirm my appointment. That is a week’s confirmation!

I should be getting Lincoln soon. I can’t wait to watch this movie again. It is such a great film.

I have decided, sort of, that I won’t be going out today. I need the rest because last week when I had back to back appointments, all I did was sleep all day Friday because I was in pain most of the night. I’d like to sleep today but I got therapy in about a half hour. And I have stuff I like to talk about while awake.

I think today I will work on my book for a little bit. I have some stuff to add that I have been thinking about. I also found a journal from 2006 that is helping to fill in the gaps a little bit. I forgot that I didn’t really keep a journal. See I would write my therapist letters and they became quite numerous so I started to keep the letters in journals as a way of me writing my thoughts and also to keep track of my therapy progress or regress. Some entries I was mad at her. Others I was tearful. It also documented my back injury in 2006 when I had to have surgery. That was important to me because I had blocked out a lot of what was going on while I was in a lot of pain and I seriously tried to down play it so that no one would now how bad I was hurting, and I was hurting bad. I remember I went to the supermarket to get some food and reached for a can of peas or something on the top shelf and that caused me such pain that I just left my things and went home. I had no idea that my back was in bad shape. Even the surgeon was asking how I could be standing and walking as the chunk of disc they took out was significantly large. I ended up getting the chunks from pathology and have them in my room as a reminder of what I don’t want to go through a third time.

question of interest

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Interest

I wondered today why I keep telling my therapist I am suicidal when I really want to kill myself. I know that she can stop me with a phone call for the white coats but it is more than that. Maybe I am afraid that if I am no longer suicidal to her, she will lose interest in me and find me a bore. I doubt this is true but I can’t help but feel this way. I also wonder why I am suicidal. I know I am depressed but you don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal. I hate myself. I hate my life. But I mostly just hate myself because I am not who I am.

Then I think maybe I am just suicidal to keep my readers interested. I know that sounds silly. I am not an attention seeker. I really feel like killing myself at times but something always holds me back, from going through with my plan. Lately it has been trying to see if taking the different pills I am on in large doses will be effective in doing damage. I don’t know why I think these things. It just comes to me so automatic that I really have gotten out of touch with what I truly feel and can think about something other than killing myself. The coping strategies I know about I have not put into use, though distraction is my biggest coping skill I use. If I distract myself from killing myself, that is good. Usually music will do it or sometimes writing/journaling/blogging. I write my therapist letters about how I feel and send them to her. I don’t know if she reads them as I usually save them up and when a bunch accumulates, I then mail them. They can be the most depressing things she ever reads. But it helps distract from acting on killing myself. I feel that the interest I have in suicide is also a factor in why I want to kill myself.

Today my therapist and I were talking about lethality. I don’t think I am lethal in my suicidality where she thinks I am because it’s not like I am saying I am taking one aspirin and calling it an OD. I am saying I am thinking about taking the bottle. But then the feeling passes but the thoughts don’t. I don’t know if this is making sense. I have been up since 0600, with weird dreams a few hours before that waking me up every 90 mins, which is the standard dream cycle. I am waking up because the dreams are disturbing but I can’t recall them when I wake up. Even now I don’t remember what the dreams were about. I know one of them had me in my old house I grew up in. But that is all. Frustrating as hell because this has gone on the past three nights and I have been waking up early despite going to bed around midnight. It just sucks because being sleep deprived always gives me a migraine, like I have right now. I want to take a nap but I think that will just make my sleep even more disturbed. And the more my sleep is disturbed, the more suicidal and pain I get.

down by the water

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Water tower

There is a song by Jason Aldean called Water Tower and every time I hear it, it takes me back to the days when I would sit on the edge of Chelsea creek just wasting the day away wishing I could leave my town and never come back. It really takes me back. The hours I would spend by the water always had a calming effect on me. I would watch the tug boats if they were cruising by. I was by myself all the time. Time just seem to pass and before I knew it, it was time to go home. I love sitting by the water watching the waves go by, thinking about my problems or just hearing the waves beat against the rocks taking my troubles away. Those were the days of innocence. How much I wanted to get away from my town and be on my own and never come back.

I would spend time after school there or sometimes if I hooked school I would go there to get away. It was the only place where I could be by myself and not be bothered by anyone. It was my true solace place where I found serenity. I wish I could go back to that place but they have fix it up and now it is a little park. The place where I would sit on the rocks have been eroded away by the winter storms or just erosion. I find it still a place of solace and I wish I could return frequently but the travel is too far now that I am no longer in the town I grew up in.