Category: suicide attempt

Ramblings 31

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I didn’t do anything today, again. I didn’t go out. But I wrestled with the bed to change the sheets and put clean ones on. For some reason my dryer didn’t pick all the lin off of them so I had to use a lint remover stick to do the job. Three sheets later my bed was free of lint. I don’t know how sheets can be so linty. I was going to vacuum my bedroom floor but that seems to tiring now. I might do it tomorrow as I wait for my grocery delivery. Tomorrow is a busy day. I have the grocery delivery, then therapy and then I got to go in town to meet with my father’s doctors about his cancer. It’s a follow up appointment so hopefully he is ok and that will be the end of it, though I know we will be waiting for at least an hour.

I emailed my last blog post to my therapist, who actually read it before session. We talked a little about it but she was starting to get annoying as she was interpreting things different than I was and I hate that. She doesn’t always LISTEN to me when I talk, which can make sessions very frustrating. She is the only therapist I EVER had that didn’t listen. But she will listen when I tell her I am suicidal but then she goes off and asks if I hear voices, out of the blue. Drives me crazy.

I still feel depressed. I still want to die. It’s a never ending battle. Today I was wicked nauseous for no reason so eating was difficult to say the least. I just sipped ginger ale. I wish I ate like this every day, I would be thin in no time but I know tomorrow I will be better and I will eat like I normally do. Trying to cut calories have been difficult. I have limited my soda intake. I have maybe one a week, minus today where I was drinking to keep from throwing up. I only had two cans.

I told my therapist that I wanted to call her last night because I was having a hard time. But I also said I didn’t because I didn’t want to bother her. She said she would rather know than not know. I guess next time I will page her, but it was silly because I talked to her that morning and then I would be talking with her today. To talk in between would have been stupid, or needy and I didn’t want to be that way. I rather tough it out. I ended up calling a friend of mine and he makes me laugh. We also talked about the Sox season and how the Yankees team is going to be different this year because their veteran staff are on the DL. HAHAHAHA. I was watching an exhibition game the other day and I hardly recognized anyone. Seems like Rivera is on his own. But I respect him, though he is nasty at time at the plate. Pitchers like that you come to respect. Just like I respect Jeter. He is a hard worker and respectful of the game. I think that has gone away in baseball. Very few players have it anymore. Varitek, Wakefield, and Lowell had it but now they are retired. I miss them very much. I do hope that Varitek finds his way back to the Sox organization. I also hope that Martinez doesn’t play the part of a clown now that he is back. Special Assistant to the GM. I don’t know, I can go on about my opinion about the Sox but I will just stop here for now.

Need for Affiliation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Need for Affiliation

We all feel the need to affiliate, to have this connectedness to one another and to have our work validated and to be validated for who we are. When this doesn’t happen, we tend to feel alone and worthless. Over time this builds up and may lead to depression which then leads potentially to suicide.

In his lifetime work, Edwin Shniedman thinks that there are 20 needs that leads to suicide and affiliation is one of those, along with validation. I guess I have been feeling like lately my work has not had too much affiliation. I have not had too many comments like I have in the past and my readership has dwindled. I have tried to figure out why things have been bothering me so much and I think this is why. I no longer feel like I have affiliation with anyone in regards to my work. I haven’t gotten a good job or I have been through what you have been through in weeks. I know it sounds silly, but to me it means a lot. I am not saying that I am going to die because I don’t have this. It just is another reason for my unhappiness. Now that I know this I can bring it up with my therapist and come up with ways of dealing with it. Because we all have these needs, some more than others.

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

kayakembe's avatarWhat happens now?

Before turning today’s post over to contributor GC, who writes forcefully but anonymously because of family concerns, here’s an example of how some of us are taking the silence around suicide and shoving it aside.

Last week, I walked into a Brooklyn bar where several people who had attempted suicide had gathered to celebrate a unique project, Live Through This. New York photographer Dese’Rae Stage is taking a series of portraits of attempt survivors just moments after they tell her their stories, and now she’s raising money to take the project national and visit other cities. There’s no anonymity. Everyone shares their real names. One person involved is Kevin Hines, who’s well-known for speaking publicly about his attempt and recovery. In his portrait, he looks totally at ease, smiling.

Other beautiful portraits lined the walls of the candlelit bar, and in the young, impossibly cool crowd I could…

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black cloud

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

I started rewriting my story about my suicide attempt. I thought it would be easy but it was grueling just to get three pages done. I have become such a concise writer that to make things go longer is difficult for me. But at least I have the first three done and then I can work on that for the next century.

I had a difficult day. I woke up at 04:00 and didn’t go back to sleep till 05:30 just to wake up around 10:00. I tried to stay in bed but I was hungry to got up and drank a shake to fill me up. I just didn’t want to get out of bed and have spent most of the day in bed, just writing or playing games on Facebook. I have been trying to get my missions caught up but bloody hell, every time you finish one, another one pops up in its place. I am so sick of playing but at least this time I have something to do with myself. I haven’t showered yet but I think I will put that off till tomorrow too. I will brush my teeth or at least try to. I still feel really crummy and don’t know why. I just feel like everything is far from my grasp and I just can’t reach it. I also just want to die. I so want to hang myself off the back porch but I just can’t do it because of my nieces. I do not want them to see me like that.
I want to go out tomorrow and go to Starbucks. This time I will bring my laptop to write a few more pages of my book that probably will never get published. It probably will, I just don’t know if I will be alive to see it. I just feel so downhearted today. Like everything is clouded in darkness. I know the black dog has followed me a few times but this is different. This is like a black cloud that is there, raining down on me as I get soaked with misery and despair. I don’t have the strength to fight it. I just let it be. I am powerless against it anyway. It’s not like an umbrella would solve the issue or anything.

I got a letter from my Primary care doc saying they had to cancel my appointment and gave me another one in its place. I can’t go at that time because I have group. On one hand I feel like this is a good excuse to get out of group but I am new and feel I should be making an effort to go. I am skipping this week because I have to take my father to his doctors appt. I don’t know if this group is helping me. I end up feeling worse afterwards rather than better.

I have been texting my therapist all weekend just to keep her in the loop of my dire straits. I don’t know why she wants me to text her everyday other than the obvious but I really don’t care.

Today was my cousin’s bridal shower. I didn’t go because I just didn’t feel like going to a “woman’s” event. I know it would have broken up the monotony of the day but I don’t really have dress clothes that fit me anymore since I put on weight. I just don’t have the energy to think of those kind of things. I really have to try and lose weight for the wedding next month. Thing is losing weight is an uphill battle and seeing as depression takes most of my energy, I can only fight one demon at a time. Seeing as the depression is the demon that controls my life, it is sensible that all other demons will have to wait. It sucks but it is true. No point in trying to lose weight if you are dead.