Category: suicide attempt

why do I bother

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide, suicide attempt

Why do I bother

Things seemed to go ok today but now I am feeling the rut of my depression and want to end things. Nothing specific has happened, I just don’t want to exist. I feel worthless and that what I am doing is nothing but wasting people’s time.

I have a messed up right eye. The muscles are weak and I have to do therapy to correct it but my insurance doesn’t cover therapy so I have to pay out of pocket. I am already on a budget and I am not sure I can swing this extra money for this therapy. It has me stressed out because without this, my eyes won’t be corrected and it will be hard for me to read continuously. I would have to take breaks like every ten minutes and who can read something every ten minutes. It has me feeling frustrated that yet my body is failing me and it has nothing to do with age.

Feeling suicidal and acting on it are two different things. But right now I would act if I had a plan to go to. I just don’t want to exist anymore.

detours

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Detours

I felt like all I did today was run around and do nothing. I was supposed to have a meeting with my pdoc today but she canceled on me. Her secretary said she would get back to me but I am still waiting. Luckily I was still at Starbucks drinking my coffee. I had more than two hours to kill for my next appointment, group therapy so decided to ride the bus to Lechmere, take the train to the end of the line, then take a bus back to Copley where I would be on my way to the group. I got back to Boston just in time for group.

On the way home I stopped and got a jacket as I was freezing. Because today was supposed to be near 50 degrees I foolishly just wore my sweatshirt. The windchill never made it past 45 degrees so I was cold!! I had something to eat because I was getting cranky so had McDonalds. Best cheeseburgers. I think anyways!! I started reading the “why people die by suicide” while waiting for the train back home. I got to the Orange line only to get diverted because something was happening. UGH so back on the green line I go to the Red line so I can go home. The bus just got there as I was exiting the station. Which was good but it wasn’t the normal driver. It was a whacked out driver that missed at least three accidents. I got into a panic by the time he reached my stop. I held on for dear life as he came to the stop because I didn’t know if I was going to go flying or not. I HATE Bus drivers like that!!! I thought about going to Walgreens to drop off my prescription but then I remembered I didn’t have my appointment this morning. UGH so now I am almost out of one of my meds. I hope my doc calls it in today or tomorrow. I’ll be bugging her until she does or at least emails me back.

I’m debating eating dinner. My mother made chicken cutlets but I am not really in the mood for it. Plus I had lunch kind of late so I am not that hungry. Maybe I will eat later.

notebook from the past

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

I am wretched and know not why. I am healthy yet I am ill. There is no diagnostic test to tell where the pain is from yet I want to die from it. I fear that it will kill me. A hundred years ago I’d be locked away in an asylum. This day and age I’m forced to be a functional person with no symptoms of a psychic malady.

Pain that is so bad that nothing can relieve it. Almost as if a pericardial centesis is the only way to drain the pain out but as there is no effusion it will be dry.

This is something that I wrote twelve years ago. I can remember what that pain felt like and wanting to die. It was terrible thing to live through. I talk about the effusion because my heart was aching so much it killed me and I couldn’t breathe.
Quote from Noonday Demon: “if everyone has the capacity for some measure of depression under some circumstances everyone also has the capacity to fight depression to some degree under some circumstances. Often the fight takes the form of seeking out the treatments that will be most effective in battle. It involves making the most of the life you have between your most severe episodes. Some horrendously symptom ridden people are able to achieve real success in life; and some people are utterly destroyed by the mildest forms of the illness”—Andrew Solomon
Merchant of Venice: It wearies me, you say it wearies you but how I caught it. Found it, or came by it, what stuff tis made of, whereof it is born, I am to learn. And such a want-wit sadness makes of me that I have much ado to know myself—Shakespeare

I found these quotes in a journal from 2001. It’s an old notebook of my excerpts from books and other things. I had carried it around with me all this time. Today I was going to write excerpts from Night Falls Fast by Kay Redfield Jamison but I was too tired after I had my lunch. The notebook is worn thin by use. It is probably the only notebook that I still refer to every day. I have my favorite Edgar Allen Poe letter that I copy into every journal that I own. The “I am wretched and know not why” is from there. If you ever read touched with fire, you will understand what it is like living with bipolar disorder and depression and how it relates to creativity. It really is a great book.

Today I am sidelined with pain in my ankle and a migraine that started out this morning. I have been trying to take a nap for the past few hours but I have this restlessness to do something, to write that I can’t quite quell. I chock it up to having coffee today at an early hour. I have been up since about 9 which is my normal time for waking up but I still wanted to sleep more. If you count daylight savings it really was 8 that I woke up at. I have this energy but I don’t know what to do so I went out and now my ankle is thanking me kindly in return by hurting me. I had groceries delivered today, some stuff I forgot from my previous order. I got my steaks that I have been dreaming about for weeks but never bought. I usually don’t crave meat but I haven’t had any other than chicken and fish in quite some time, possibly as far back as the summer!

So to say that I am a little tired is on the money. I also had therapy today that made me think about what I am doing or going to do with my writing for the next few days. I also talked about my writing with my co-conspirator. We have decided to write five days a week so we can have two days off. I am not sure I can do that with my blog as I like writing on it every day but I can take off a day here and there. My next writing assignment that I am contemplating has to do with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I have been meaning to write about it for some time but have backed off due to the embarrassing nature of the content. I still haven’t written much beyond the title of the article. Maybe tomorrow I can write more.

ramblings 32

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Today was a much needed day off. I slept till almost 15:00 (3pm) and then had my coffee. My sister was home because my niece was sick so I got to spend some time with them. It was still snowing, which I thought was going to turn to rain. We had a high snow drift on our back porch. Snow is incredible but I heard driving in it was no fun. My friend in RI had a long 4 hr commute to Boston. That would drive me insane. I would turn back and call in. But then she is a supervisor so she needed to be there. She does work for a hospital so I understand her need to be there to make sure things get done or to make the decision to let people go home, which would be hard to do if you are not there. Been there many times when I was at work. I used to work for a 24/7 lab in the hospital so being there is vital. Someone always has to be there no matter what the conditions were outside. I remember being there for 9/11. We had to wait for possible survivors to be brought in from New York so we couldn’t leave. It was a terrible shift just sitting around waiting when there were no outpatients to do. All we could do was watch the clip of the planes hitting the towers over and over on the internet. It was a very solemn day.

I know I am doing my writing a little later than usual. But then I have only been up for a couple hours. I haven’t done much. I still have not put my regular comforter on my bed. I just have my Red Sox fleece throw and my old comforter to keep me warm in my cold room. I don’t like the set of sheets I have on. I can’t seem to move when I where my fleece pajamas. I tend to get stuck and I don’t like it very much. I should have put the fleece sheets on the bed but they tend to make me really hot and I can’t sleep really with a blanket or comforter. I just get too warm and wake up. I hope that I sleep tonight. I again woke up at three this morning. Luckily I was only up for a short period and was able to get back to sleep. But then I woke up at fucking 0830 because some knucklehead called me. I was in a light sleep and the vibration of my phone woke me up. I was pissed. So I got up and had some breakfast as I was starving and then went back to bed until I woke up at 1500. I have not eaten that much in the past few days. I haven’t been that hungry. I have lost two pounds and I hope they stay off.