thought I would share this guest post. I wrote it 🙂
I thought it would try this out again. I have been having a sucky day. I took a shower today and afterwards, I was exhausted. But I had therapy so I couldn’t take a nap. I slept till about nine after a crappy sleep. I didn’t wake up restful.
In therapy, my therapist read my blog and she was interested in my dreams. I knew this would happen and I didn’t feel like talking about it. So I avoided the subject again. We talked instead of all my dinner with my cousin and the depression that I’ve been feeling. She wanted to know more about my depression symptoms but they seem to have eluded me. It was like they were out of my grasp. It wasn’t like she put me on the spot or something of the sort. I just couldn’t remember what my symptoms were that I had written about in my blog. We talked about my death wishes briefly but that that make me feel any better. In fact, I had totally forgot what I had written about. I knew I had written about my cousin’s dinner, and about my dreams, but I forgot about the death wishes. The death wishes are mean wishing that I was dead and not seeing the future in my life. She asked if I could see anything in my future and I told her no. She brought up my book and that just gave me anxiety. I still haven’t heard from my editor and the longer I don’t hear from her, I feel more anxious.
We also talked about being transgender, which I didn’t like too much. She said that my book would be helpful for those with my issues but I don’t really see that as happening. I see my book as being a flounder. I don’t really think it’s going to sell at all. I think that I have too many issues in my book. When I have a mental illness, I have cauda equina syndrome, and I have the transgender issues. That’s a lot to write in a short book. But then, I have never been one to exaggerate. I don’t believe in hyperbole. I think it’s silly and dangerous. I really don’t know what people are going to think when they actually see me after reading my book. Are they going to think that I’m just a lesbian? Are they going to think that I’m faking it? I can’t hide what I feel. And I know that being in the body of a female is very distressing to me. I try not to show it usually but it’s there most of the time. I am not one to think of other people’s thoughts. Because frankly, I could care less. What other people think of their going to think and I have no control over that.
I have seen my therapist three times this week. It I still feel like I should talk to her one more time. I don’t know why that is. It’s not like I’m in crisis, I guess it’s just because I feel alone. Since having to deal with family issues, I have not had any time for myself. I stayed in my room but it’s not like I’ve gotten anything done. The only things that I have done, are my blogs. I haven’t gone to Starbucks today. I just can’t find the energy to get dressed, to check bus schedules, and then to leave the house. I then have to walk to the bus stop. And that seems like an awful lot of energy for one cup of coffee. I could make it at home but I don’t feel like it in the rush that I get. I just really want to sleep. I father’s doctor will be calling me tonight and I’m really not looking forward to it. It’s not like things will be bad, I know it won’t. But it’s just a hassle of interfering with my rest that is bothering me. I just want to be left alone today and not have anything to do. I would like to finish my book but I don’t think that is in the works. I did however, find the fucking beeping fire alarm finally. It is the one to the entrance of the door and I can’t reach it because a) I am short and b) it’s above stairs. I have to wait until my brother-in-law gets home. So until then, my mother and I have to listen to the beep.
Had a horrible day. Spent the entire late morning/afternoon at the hospital with my dad. They still have no idea what is wrong with him and it is starting to piss me off. I feel like my father is living my life in the “I don’t know what is wrong with you” circle. He had some scans done and we will be back next week to find out the results of those scans. Just lovely. Another day of boredom. I will be bringing my laptop and my manuscript so I will have something to work on while waiting for the doc.
I got to talk to my cousin today. Found out my aunt’s wake is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday. Not looking forward to it but you have to show up and pay respect and say goodbye. It’s going to be a sad day for me.
I am pretty exhausted from today and in pain. I was in pain most of the day yesterday so all I did was sleep most of the day and then be up most of the night. I rather sleep during the day and be up all night. I miss working second shift. It was the perfect balance of not being a day person and being a night person.
I talked with my therapist for the last time this week and she is on vacation next week because it’s school vacation. We talked about my book and how it is affecting me and then she wanted to know more about the voices and I flipped out a little. I couldn’t tell her but did tell her that the voice I hear is actually her, well, not really her but her persona or something. I can’t explain it. It is just something that happens to me. I hear a voice and it will get stuck in my head and start talking to me is the best way to put it. That is why sometimes songs get their go around in my head and I can’t stop it unless I take medication. I had this one voice last summer that just wanted to talk to me at night, just before sleeping. And boy, was she demanding. I would nod off and she would get all offended. And the more sleepy I was, the more she would ask questions! So annoying! I am glad she is gone and hope she doesn’t come back!
I have to get dressed up tomorrow. I hate getting dressed up. I don’t have clothes that fit me anymore except for one pair of pants. And it is going to be cold so I have to wear a long sleeved shirt, which because I gained weight, I have only one that fits. If I didn’t have breasts, I would be fine. Things would fit nicely. Pisses me off that I have them. But then I will never be a “guy”. Just in my head I will be one. To the rest of the world I am a FEMALE, like it says on my medicare card I got the other day. How degrading. I could have killed myself over it. But I guess I am getting better at living this double life, even if it is painful. I recently heard that Facebook has changed gender roles. I wonder what that is about. I haven’t looked at it because in my mind you are either a female or a male. I am a male, but in a female’s body. So, yea, I kind of get the confusion. UGH. This sucks. If only we were to choose what we wanted to be at the age of five none of this identity confusion would exist. Just because you are born one way doesn’t mean you are truly that way. Now I feel suicidal because I hate myself so much. I can’t stand myself. I am despicable.
*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******
What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.
midnightdemons7 
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