midnightdemons7

In exile

I had therapy yesterday and it didn’t go well. She said that she doesn’t have time for second sessions anymore and frankly all I she does have time for is the 45 minutes she can give me on Mondays. I was taken aback and now I am struggling with the decision on finding a new therapist. I know I need at least twice a week sessions. She wants me to go to a DBT group but I don’t want that. Nothing gets talked about in DBT groups but the skill they are working on. They don’t care about what happens outside of group and frankly now my therapist is saying the same thing. I can’t text her and I am hesitant about sending her a message through the patient web thing because I don’t know if someone else reads the message before she does. I feel let down again by the therapy world. As Taylor says so eloquently, “I think I’ve seen this film before so I am leaving out the side door. Now I am in exile seeing you out.”

I had PT yesterday and was so exhausted from it. It gave me some time to get my mind of my therapy troubles. She had me on the treadmill and then another machine. My back hated everything and is still hurting. I should have rested today but I have a UTI and needed to drop off a urine sample to the lab. Afterwards I got my haircut. I still need a shower but that will happen after I blog.

I am going to talk to my psychiatrist about this to see if he can get me another therapist. If he can’t, I am not sure what to do. I really want to cancel and end seeing this therapist. I thought this therapist was going to help me in ways that other therapists had failed but wrong again.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. Lots of stuff going on and just been overwhelmed and tired to write. Been hard to get my thoughts together. Will have a longer post later today.

Sunday Blog 30052021

My younger sister had a little party today for the Memorial Day weekend. It was raining so we didn’t have BBQ but she made an awesome rack of ribs that was out of this world. I couldn’t finish it because I had too much mac and cheese that a neighbor made. I love her mac and cheese it is so yummy. Perfect comfort food on this dreary day.

I told my middle sister today that I hate my mother and refuse to sit with her just to babysit her. She asked why and I said because she doesn’t respect me. She immediately defended my mother by saying it is hard and I told my sister that my mother was adamant about refusing to accept me as a son. I will always be her “daughter” and that is hurtful to me. I won’t stand for it. I dealt with it all my life and I will be damned if I will continue to take the hurtful stuff she says anymore.

When I told a friend about this, she was wondering why I didn’t tell my sister about the rape. I just couldn’t talk about this with this sister. She is not a receptive kind of person for this kind of thing. I also wasn’t in the mood to argue with her should it come to that because I knew she wouldn’t believe me.

I have another busy week. Tues I have therapy and PT. Thursday is an exciting day because my podcast will be published. I also see my psychiatrist then. I feel disconnected with this psychiatrist because I don’t see him often. He is a good guy though. He makes it easy to talk to him but we rarely go beyond 15 minutes and he bills for 30 mins. He tries to get me to talk and it is so bloody hard. Same as in therapy where I have so much difficulty talking. I think if we met in person it would be different. That maybe happening soon, maybe in the fall. I hope so. I really like seeing my therapist in person rather than on a computer screen.

The podcast I will talk about more on Thursday. I haven’t heard it so I don’t know if I will like it or not. I have trouble hearing my voice so we’ll see how this goes. People have told me I have a good soothing voice so we’ll see how others like it.

It is still freezing in my room. I shut the ceiling fan off yesterday and that helped some. But the wind and cold rain is still filtering in through the AC vent and making my room cold. I have a sweatshirt on and I have my fleece blanket on my bed in addition to what is already on my bed. I needed the extra layer. I also like the fleece blanket because there is weight to it and it calms me down.

I am in total pain right now. My left leg has flared up in pain and nothing is bringing the pain down. I took two breakthrough meds and my night meds and I am still in pain. It is going to be a long fucking night if this pain doesn’t quit. I might have to take some gabapentin. It has been a long while since I have had to take gaba. But now it has become a regular occurrence because the pain is just so bad. Just hope I can sleep tonight. That is all I care about.