Tag: chronic physical pain

Not Ready to Make Nice

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Ready To Make Nice

This song has been running in my head today. The lyrics are poignant and sharp. I am not a big Dixie Chicks fan. This song is the only song of theirs that I own. And for all I know this is the last song they recorded. I think the song is about the inherent hatred in the States at the time the song was written. The line about how a mother could teach her daughter to hate a perfect stranger speaks volumes. And then the line about “shut up and sing or my life will be over”. The Chicks got death threats after they made some comments about the current president, George W. Bush. They were a rival group who then drifted off. The reason the song is in my head today is that one of the psychologists I follow on Twitter has been going on and on about racism, how we are brought up with it, and how people are even if they say they are not. It has been bothering me all week but I can’t tell him to shut up. Who am I to tell another person this? It is HIS views on the matter. He is a white gay male and I still haven’t figured him out. Just when I think I have, he blows my mind again. He is interesting, that is for sure.

The song talks about forgiveness as well. That part resonates with me. “They say time heals everything, but I’m still waiting”. Have a listen to it. It really is a great song.

I did a few errands today then made coffee. It was good but I couldn’t finish the cup. I think I put too much cream in it. I have no plans for the day now that my errands are done. I might print off the research article so I can read it. I have been planning on doing it the last few days but can’t manage to stand up to print it. I really should clear off my bed so I can change my sheets and then print it out. Thing is, I know that changing my sheets is going to kill me for the rest of the day like it always does. I am not looking forward to it.

I didn’t take my meds last night. I haven’t really taken all my meds all week. I just haven’t been in the mood to guzzle 12 pills. So I just been taking what is necessary, or what I feel is necessary. My doc sent in my 90 day supply for my blood pressure pills but they haven’t been delivered yet. They are on route. I don’t know why sometimes I get it the next day after processing and then sometimes a week after. Makes no sense. I am running low so just been taking it once a day rather than twice a day. I really don’t want to run out. I have been monitoring my BP just to make sure it stays within normal limits. I have my other BP med to try and keep it stable until I get my new script. Tomorrow I will fill my pill box for the week so I am not playing hodgepodge. The only med that I might run out of is my allergy pill. I totally forgot to order it from Amazon but getting my groceries were more important. I have no idea why money is tight this month. I think it’s because I paid my cell phone bill twice so I can be ahead of it. I haven’t fallen behind but I like to stay a month ahead if I can.

I want to try and save money this year. It’s going to be difficult because I am on a fixed budget but I am trying to see if it’s possible. Even if I save $200 that will be something. And something is better than nothing.

I need to shower today. It’s been two days since my last one and I want to try and keep the every other day schedule. Right now I don’t feel like it but the day is still young. The coffee gave me some energy so I am going to use that to clear my bed off. Even if I take off just a few items, that will be an accomplishment. I have this corner of my bed that tends to accumulate stuff. I don’t know how it happens. I am going to tackle that area first and see how my back does. Just walking to do my errands today put a little strain on it. I really can’t wait to go to physical therapy. I really want this kink in my hip to be gone. That is the frustrating thing because once it flares up, I can’t do anything. I can’t stand or walk. I can only sit and rest until it goes away. Then my day is done. I hate back pain.

Sleeping in Spurts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleeping in spurts

I have been sleeping in spurts all day. Now I am up and I can’t seem to go back to sleep. I got a lot on my mind, mostly about making sure I get my letter in the mail tomorrow. I also have to go the opposite way to Walgreens to get some feminine stuff because I am running low and the damn menses have restarted. Fucker. Here I thought I was all done with it and lo and behold, NOT. It was a joke. I am having a light bleed, which I guess is preferable to a moderate bleed. It still messes with my head though, no matter what the flow is like. I shouldn’t be having it, period (no pun intended). I still can’t believe missing one pill caused all this havoc.

I am finally breathing out of both nostrils, least for now anyway. Earlier, I couldn’t breathe at all and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I took some Afrin to clear up my inflamed passageways. I feel better because my sinuses aren’t hurting so much. I had taken a sinus pill earlier today and that helped some but it was my last pill. I haven’t bought them in a while and I hope that I can afford them. I think it will help with the pressure I am feeling. I hope I am not coming down with a sinus infection. Those suck big time. But my nasal discharge has been clear up till this point. I just hope it doesn’t get worse.

I read Dostoevsky while I was babysitting this evening. I read two chapters and a half. I have no idea what I read other than a peasant girl who was an “idiot” got pregnant and then died after giving birth. It is unsure who the father of the child was but there is speculation that it’s the father of the Karamazov brothers. We will never know because the girl couldn’t talk and she is dead now. The baby was taken in by the father Karamazov’s servants. Talk about a twist in the book. I am just reading this book just to read it. Once I read a book, I have to finish it even if I don’t like it. And I am not really liking this book too much. I can only imagine what Crime and Punishment is going to be like.

Later today, I plan on printing out the article my friend sent me. It will be an interesting read, least I hope it will be. I might write a review if it’s interesting enough. It’s about suicide and it not being “business as usual”.

Every morning at 1 am, I get a text message from Dilbert comics. It’s the only way I can read the strip these days as it’s not in the papers anymore. It used to be a very funny comic strip but lately it’s not. Like everything else in my life, I have lost interest in it. But I still get the text in case I want to read it.

I have realized that it has been a long while since I wrote a profound blog. I have been trying to but I just haven’t been in the frame of mind. I know I have been writing saying I have been depressed but I think it’s more sadness than depression. I also haven’t been feeling melancholic, which also tends to fuel my writing. And I know I have been writing about me just wanting to die, but I haven’t been in a constricted state of mind to be suicidal. I just wish I was dead. To me that is preferable than going through the pain in my foot/ankle every single day. I no longer feel psychache. I don’t know why that is. Maybe I am just avoiding it. I am glad I am not feeling it because if I were and then that coupled with the physical pain I have been experiencing, I most certainly will be thinking of taking my life.

two and a half hours of sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Two and a half hours of sleep

I think I have set a new record of sleeping. I only got 2.5 hours of sleep and I feel like I am good. Maybe the hypomanic stuff is back. I don’t know. I don’t feel euphoric. I just feel awake, like I just had a cup of coffee (I didn’t). I just had a bowl of cereal because I didn’t want to cook anything while being so sleep deprived. Later, if I am able to catch some more sleep, I plan on making my turkey bacon and egg burrito with Jalapeño cheese. I came up with a terrific plan for lunch. I will make a turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce sandwich. I find that meal planning helps to keep me focused. And it also allows me to eat as I have a hard time deciding what to eat.

I watched “The American President” before I went to bed. I love this movie. I have seen it three times since I bought it. I might watch it again today, just to kill sometime. Today is my rest day, though I do have to mail something so I do need to get out of the house. I can’t believe that I have left the house nearly every day this week. Next week I will be out three days, dealing with my father. It’s going to be tough.

I keep thinking about what to write and I can’t think of a damn thing. I emptied my email. I now only have 4 things in my inbox. Everything else I either deleted or put in my “read mail” folder. I am happy about this because I had almost 700 emails in my inbox. Now it’s all cleaned up.

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Fucking Aggravated Beyond Pissed Off

So my father’s doctor is an asshole. He is never on time and when you do see him, he never apologizes for being late. My father wanted to leave almost 45 minutes into waiting for him but I told him he needed this appointment if we were to get refills on his medications. And I didn’t rent a fucking Zipcar for nothing but to get aggravated with him and his doctor. That wouldn’t be fucking fair to me at all because I am the one taking care of the bastard (father). I take him to all his medical appointments, even when I don’t feel up to it. I then relay the information to my sisters. But the ungrateful bastard doesn’t see it this way. He thinks he doesn’t need an EKG or blood tests or pills or any of it. I am so sick of taking him but out of my responsibility as the oldest child, I do it anyway.

I wish I had therapy with my therapist today. I could have used an extra session or a talk with her just for ten minutes. My grocery order was late this morning. I called them and they had my phone number wrong. I have been using them for fucking 2 years now and I got a text just fine yesterday saying when they were going to come so I don’t know what changed in 24 hours. The lady said that they were using all of one digit rather than a number and three digits that were the same. I don’t believe it. I even checked the paper I had to sign and the number was correct on the paperwork. I was bullshit but I got the delivery fee waived because they didn’t call me or notify me they were late. They came like ½ hour after I spoke to the customer service person, who was a very nice lady. I was kind of upset because they didn’t have the buttermilk in stock. My oatmeal pancake recipe calls for buttermilk but I have been using regular milk. I wanted to see if I liked it with the buttermilk or not. So no buttermilk oatmeal pancakes tomorrow morning.

I got my haircut done like I wanted to. My mother fucking hates it and I could care less. I am wicked tired. I even had a latte before the doctor’s appointment. But I did a lot with the groceries and then making me a sandwich. I finally took a shower today after I got my haircut. That wiped me out some but was able to rest a little bit before the groceries came. But walking to and from the train station to get the Zipcar is what did me in. My foot is not liking me right now. I made it work. And of course it flared up soon as we were a block from the house. It always does that.

I had to pull apart my OtterBox because the volume on the incoming calls was so low I couldn’t hear the person speaking to me. And when I did, I found out that I have been using the wrong kind of case all this time. I don’t really care at this point, or at this point in time. It suits me though having to take the sucker apart kills me. Those things are indestructible alright!

I know part of my irritability is from having my fucking menses and wearing female clothes. The only advantage to wearing a damn pad is that it prevents me from leaking to my underwear. I think my menses are over because I haven’t had any stuff on my pad today. If nothing is on tomorrow, I am done and can go back to my boxers and be happy.

I found the fridge for my mother and she was upset that it didn’t have a place for the ice. Why she doesn’t want a damn ice maker is beyond me, but whatever. The one I picked out “looked small” for the freezer section. The other one I showed her had a bigger looking section but had the ice maker issue. So I get to call the appliance store tomorrow and see if I can get it without the maker for a lower price. I am now annoyed because the last time we tried calling, we weren’t successful at all. I even complained to Twitter’s Searscares. They weren’t much help either, just sympathetic to my annoyance. If I were the one holding the damn credit card, I would buy the damn fridge and be done with it. I don’t think she is going to have an ice slot to put her ice trays like our fridge has. That is why they come with ice makers but you can’t tell my mother this. She just doesn’t want it. So I got annoyances from BOTH my parents today, one more than the other.