Tag: chronic physical pain

I can’t sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t sleep

I had another sneeze attack today that left me in more pain than I was. So another setback. This sucks because I can’t move. Just turning in bed hurts me. Sitting hurts me so I try and do as little of that as possible. Which means I don’t spend as much time playing my game or on Twitter as I would like. I really haven’t been on Twitter other than to update saying my back is caput. This has been going on for almost a week now. I was doing better before the sneeze attack. Now I have to continue to rest it to feel better.

I have no new symptoms that would worry me that I need to see a doc ASAP. I have no weakness, loss of bowel or bladder (no more than usual), or new numbness. In other words, no red flag symptoms of CES. I am glad because I really don’t want to have another surgery. I think this is just muscle related more than anything. I just wish the muscle relaxants that I have been taking would work enough to ease the pressure a little bit. I have been taking two different medications and I still have not found relief, though all it does it make me sleepy. I somehow lost two pounds with me not getting around as much but that is because I haven’t been eating as much either. I just am not hungry at times. I think I am down to just two meals a day and that is all. So I guess that is good and that I am not starving at the end of the day. My appetite has been decreased. I really don’t feel like eating because the movement hurts too much and because I am depressed, I don’t really know what I want to eat. It just is so difficult when it shouldn’t be.

I am so very tired but I can’t sleep because of pain. I really can’t wait to have my therapy session on Tuesday. I would ask for a Monday appointment but she usually doesn’t have one available. I just feel the need to talk. Next week is my father’s surgery. I hope my back is better by the end of next week or it’s going to be tough. I also have my eye appointment but I will put that off too if I can’t get around. I am not going to push through it like I usually do. I will for my father’s surgery but not for my eye appointment. I am glad I have my pain medication but it doesn’t seem to be helping with the pain so I am not using too much of it. I really wanted to go out and get a latte today but after the trip to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, I was in agony.

It’s 1 am and I still am not tired enough to sleep. I feel really depressed that I am awake. Lately, I have been having the feeling of a weight on my chest. I think I know some of it has to do with my financial situation right now and trying to finagle how I am going to get my meds for the month. I have three I have to pick up tomorrow. Then I have to refill my bp medication. I am almost out of that. It will not last another month. I can try and stretch it out but the way my blood pressure has been running, I don’t want to chance it. Funny how it is lousy at home but at the doctor’s office it is normal. Drives me crazy. Maybe I do need a new machine. I want to get a wrist one but those are $45. I think I will be able to afford that next month. I had to pay extra for my cable and cell phone bills because I was behind on them. I still am trying to play catch up without having to rob Peter to pay Paul. I really would like a job that I get at least a 100 bucks a week. But with my back and leg issues, I don’t see how I can be working.

At least I am not suicidal or planning my death. I still want to be dead though. I just don’t have a reason to live. Voices have picked up a little bit. They have been nagging me to write this or that. Luckily I can type and they don’t bother me as much. They can be so nosey at times!

Happy Turkey Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Happy Turkey Day

It’s the annual Thanksgiving tradition of saying grace and what we are thankful for before eating a huge meal. This year I am thankful for the Twitter buddies that I have met over the course of a year, my friends and immediate family members, and that we are not yet in world war. That is a deep fear of mine as the world seems to bombing this country and that and Islamic State seems to get more powerful with each passing day. I hope that it never happens but you never know what the next president has in mind. Eventually, someone is going to start bombing the US because of our lax of security. Americans can think they can sleep at night without these fears but sometimes it does keep me awake.

My back is still out of commission. After I had my dinner, I had a sneeze attack that further aggravated by back. Then continued to sneeze when I got to my room. I am HURTING. I just took my last two pain pills until tomorrow. I took one of the strong medicine pills this morning so that I could make it downstairs for my meal. I am hoping to sleep through the night and then tomorrow I can get my refill. I hope that the pharmacy is open at its normal times. I have no idea if they will be on holiday schedule or not. I know they are closed today.

I sent out an email to my family and friends wishing them a Happy Turkey day. I usually send out text messages but I can’t sit long enough to do that. Just writing this blog is torture. But I have a high pain tolerance and as long as I don’t make any sudden moves, I am pretty good sitting the way that I am. I was hoping the storm we had yesterday was part of the cause of my pain but it passed, but my pain did not. I hope that it will pass but I think the sneeze attacks that I had really messed up my healing. I will be grateful to have my pain meds back in stock tomorrow!

I know I should be re-reading “Managing Suicidal Risk” so that I can write more about it. But lately, I haven’t been inclined to read anything. I tried reading “suicide myths” by Thomas Joiner last night and had to put the book down, mid-chapter, because I lost interest half way through. I just am not up for reading and sitting up for more than twenty minutes lately has been hurting my back so then I have to lie down. I know I should be trying to do some PT exercises and I do do them, they just don’t seem to help. Nothing really is helping me and that is kind of scaring me. I was hoping the baclofen would help me and it hasn’t, really. I have added Ativan and that just helps to relax me enough so I can sleep.

I am really torn. I have been listening to Ed Sheeran’s album “X” and so far the two songs I have heard, have been dope! I really like his voice and his songs. But I am short this month with cash so I can’t get my music. I got paid my royalties today, a day early. I really want to start saving but I have a feeling I will need to spend it for some emergency. Maybe I can get it next month when I get my birthday money.

My friggen therapist had to bring up my birthday as it will be the last day we talk before the holidays. She will be out for about two weeks. She asked me what am I doing that day. I told her I have no idea. It is just another day to me. My mother has asked me what I plan on having for birthday cake but I can’t decide what I want. I think I want a marble pound cake would be nice with icing. Or I can go with my favorite, yellow cake with chocolate frosting. I just don’t know what I want. Then there was a recipe for a cheesecake cake that I thought would be super. Now I have to find it so I can write down the recipe. I have gotten a few good recipes from Facebook. When my back is better, I plan on making my pumpkin cupcakes and ice them with cheesecake frosting. I am really looking forward to making those.

All this talk about cakes, is making me want something sweet. So hope all my US blog reader had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

serious pain 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain

Back still out

I have been waiting patiently for my back to be normal but I don’t think it is going to happen quickly. It is not hurting me more but it’s not hurting less. I can move a little more, albeit gingerly, but I am moving. I think a few more days rest and I will be okay. I know once I get my pain medication on Friday, things will be much better. Right now I am rationing what I have left because I have so few. If the pain kicks up a bit, I might have to take the stronger pain medication. I hate to do that because I haven’t been moving my bowels the way that I should. Taking this medication basically puts my bowels in a bind, literally. And it is painful to get things moving again.

It is difficult to sit right now, so I didn’t write a blog yesterday. I was in too much pain to sit long enough to type up something. Nothing unusual happened yesterday, except that I couldn’t move without pain, which is similar to today. I did order my burger, which was excellent. I really am glad I had something sustaining as my appetite has been awful the last few days. My mother made cherry tarts today. I hope that I will be able to have one later. I love my sweets. I brought up some skittles to munch on while I am recuperating but they are far from my reach.

I have so much to do yet I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. Course being in pain isn’t helping matters. I haven’t been in the mood to read, though I have put my books on my bed in case I get inclined to do so. My therapist was shocked to hear that I haven’t had any caffeinated drinks in about a week now. I haven’t made it to Starbucks and I don’t have any cream to make coffee at home. Plus, I really haven’t been craving coffee products. Right now, I just been concentrating on how to get well so I can move around better.

I thought I lost my phone in my sheets but it was downstairs. The trip downstairs caused me to lose some spoons. I can no longer move upright. So I am going to stop here and rest. Till tomorrow.

Serious Pain 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Serious Pain 2

Going on day 2 of not being able to move. Back has seized up making it difficult for any movement. This sucks so bad. I did okay going to my appointment until the last bus I was on stopped short and set off a pain attack. That was fun as I could hardly move to get off the bus. Then walking home from the bus stop took me forever because I was walking short strides, hunched back. I felt like an old crooked man walking down the street.

Well, I didn’t think it was going to be possible, but I am finally tired of listening to 1989 after listening to it straight for a week. I am listening to “Springsteen” by Eric Church right now. It is refreshing to listen to some old music.

This cold still won’t let me be. My throat is still sore and I am congested. Luckily, I haven’t moved to the cough phase of the cold and I hope I don’t as that will surely delay my back getting well.

I had a quick appointment with the NP today. I just told her I needed a refill on my pain meds and she briefly looked at my ankle and wrote up the script. Then she asked for a urine sample. Shit. I couldn’t go so I will have to give one on my next visit. If I had the time to get my coffee, I probably could have gone but there was no way I was going to waste spoons getting it while my back is out of commission.

I heard the verdict for the Ferguson case. I hope that people there stay safe.

I have therapy tomorrow and for once, I am glad that I don’t have to get out of bed to have it. I could barely get undressed when I came home this afternoon. I still am in a lot of pain as I am writing this. What is worse is that I cracked my back when I was getting in bed after I had my dinner. I don’t know how I did it. But man did it hurt. I haven’t been in this much pain since my before my surgery in 2006. I hope I didn’t do anything to my discs. I hope it is just a muscle spasm that will go away with rest and medication. But even though I don’t really do anything all day, it still is hard just to lay down and do nothing. Sitting while playing with my laptop brings me some pain but nothing like standing and walking does.

It was in the 60s today. I am really hot in my flannel PJs and want to change but that will require spoons that I don’t have anymore. So I am just going to stay in them with the covers off. I have to get my wedge to put my feet up. I know that will relieve the pressure on my back and take some off so I can feel a little better. But I don’t know if I can stand up again to grab it. I wish I had someone to get it for me, even though it is just a foot and half from my bed. I was able to reach it with my grabber!! Whoohoo!! I love this thing! It is the best invention ever!! Now I just hope that I can lay on my back with my feet up for the rest of the night. I doubt it because I am such a side sleeper but even if I rest with my feet up for a few hours, that should give me enough relief.

It’s getting late and I think I should be getting to bed. I don’t think I can sit any longer. So thank you for reading.