Tag: chronic physical pain

Serious Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Serious pain

Yesterday, I sneezed and threw out my back. Today my back is still out and I am unable to stand straight without severe pain. Having this bloody cold is not helping my case. I only get relief from pain if I am lying down or sitting without moving any lower extremity muscles. I have taken my pain killers and muscle relaxants but they have not provided me with any real relief. And I am worried that I won’t be able to make my doctor’s appointment tomorrow with the dumb NP. I need to make this appointment because I need to get a refill on my pain meds. I am trying not to worry about it, thinking tomorrow is another day and I might be able to move better than I can right now. I hope so anyway. I haven’t been in this much pain since before my last surgery. It sucks not being able to move. I have tried to do the normal back exercises to ease some of the tension but they just cause me more pain. I really hope I didn’t move a disc out of whack. Last night, I got really paranoid that I was getting CES again because my left leg kept going numb on me. It is okay now and the pain is lessening, but I just need a few more days of rest before going out again. I don’t think I have that much time as I have just about 16 hours before my appointment. I don’t know what this dumb NP is going to do when I tell her I am in pain because I pulled my back out. I hope she doesn’t do the leg lifts because that will just aggravate my nerves like it always does. I am always paranoid when I hurt my back and they want to raise my legs. It aggravates my sciatic nerve and then I really won’t be able to walk out of the office. For now I am just going to relax the rest of the night and hope my bladder doesn’t get too full again that I need to use the bathroom. I just want to rest for a couple of hours straight and hope it helps me.

I missed the BPD chat tonight. I really wanted to attend but this damn pain is limiting my sitting time. Plus my dinner was ready around half way through the chat anyways. It took me a long time to get down the stairs and to eat. I didn’t even finish it all because I just wasn’t that hungry. My appetite with this cold and pain has limited my eating. I had to force myself to finish the scrambled eggs I made for lunch.

I wish I had a ride to the hospital tomorrow. That would help me greatly but I don’t. (My outpatient appointment is at the local hospital.) And I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am better tomorrow. I hate being in this much pain.

Last night I came across something I wrote a while ago. I don’t know when I wrote it as I didn’t put a date on it. I hate when I don’t do that. But the content was something Hyde might have written. I got one comment on it, it said that I should “live”. Obviously, this person doesn’t know that I struggle with wanting to die on a consistent basis. The blog was called “don’t call me daughter”. I felt that was fitting as I know my mother is never going to call me her son. And that hurts me to no end. It just makes me want to die all the more because I know I will never be seen as a boy to her. She will never understand me. It hurts knowing this. She can tolerate my tomboyish features but won’t tolerate my facial hair or short boy hair cuts. My cousin has stopped cutting my hair because he doesn’t want to deal with the backlash from my mother. He still styles my hair in a “female” fashion and won’t go below a 2 on the clippers. Drives me nuts.

What drives my suicidality up lately has been pain and no sleep. I think taking the baclofen has helped my sleep. I just wish it helped my pain as well. Once my pain is under control, my suicidality decreases. But right now, with my back being out of sorts, I am kind of wishing I was dead. I hate being in this much pain and nothing helping me. It is making me feel hopeless. And feeling hopeless and suicidal is not a good mix. I hope that I can go to my appointment tomorrow and not be in horrific pain like I am in now. It will really suck because the office is a ways from the T stop.

Just found out one of my high school friends lost her mother last night. She had been battling cancer for sometime now and I guess her time was up. I feel bad for her. My friend is my sister’s age. I can’t imagine losing my mother, even though I can’t stand her at times. Sending out good thoughts and prayers to her family tonight.

Back Pain Be Damned

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Back Pain Be Damned

My back went out today after a couple of sneezes. I decided that despite the pain and limited movement, I was going to get my latte anyway. I took a pain pill and an anti-spasm med and got dressed gingerly. I still have this cold that refuses to let me go. I am getting better but every morning, I awake with severe congestion. If my college football game was on national TV, I probably would have stayed home and watched it than go out with a sore back. Luckily, there was no jerking on the bus rides to and from my home to cause me more discomfort. Walking is really difficult but sitting is ok, least for now.

I brought my prompt questions with me to write for my book but I’m not in the mood to answer them. The pain is too great. I am handwriting this blog to type up later while I drink my toffee nut latte. So back pain be damned! I’m tired of pain limiting my routine and taking away the one joy in my life–Starbucks. I need my coffee/latte to bring me happiness at least for a little while.

I am home now and my back pain has worsened to the point that I can’t stand up straight. Tonight is my 20th year reunion. I won’t be attending. I am in too much pain. It is one thing to go to Starbucks in agony, quite another to spend the night with friends and pretend to have a good time when you are hurting so much. And standing just about kills me so I really cannot attend. This will be the first reunion that I will be skipping.

Funny how when you hurt your back, people come up with the usual questions on how did you hurt it, what you should do for it, etc. I have thrown my back out many times over the years. I know that rest and pain meds are the best solution to it, besides putting my feet up on my wedge while lying down. It helps relieve the pressure on my discs and relaxes the muscles. A heating pad is also helpful, though I can’t really reach mine right now because it is in my third drawer in my bureau. I just can stoop that low to grab it so maybe after the pain pills work, I can get it. Heat can just relax away the stiffness that I feel.

My blog numbers are getting higher and I just realized that I am no closer to my “managing suicidal risk” book review than I was before my 900th blog. I have to start re-reading the book so I can tell you how awesome it is. Then I can post the review on Amazon and send it to Dr. Jobes. I am sure he will love that.

Aside from my back hurting me, my mood is somewhat low. I feel really depressed that I can’t move without pain. My back pain is actually worse than my ankle pain is right now. So I am listening to 1989 to try and cheer myself up, but it doesn’t seem to be working. I hate when I get like this. A friend from Virginia called me tonight to check in on me and I was happy to hear from him. He said my name popped into his head as the sun was going down. I thought that was sweet of him to call me. I miss him. I don’t know if I could ever live in Virginia, maybe temporarily, say for grad school. But I really want to get my PhD from University of Illinois, Urbana/Champagne. I love their campus, but at this point, where ever I get accepted, I will go, provided I have the funds. I basically have to win the lottery to go to grad school at this point. It is very expensive and I can’t get loans because I totally fucked up my student loans. I don’t think I will ever be able to get out from under. And it depresses me more because I am just stuck. That is the worst part of dealing with depression is feeling stuck and knowing you can’t do anything about it. I can’t even finish my Bachelor’s degree because I just can’t afford it. I should try and see if I can get a grant or something, especially as now I am on disability. Maybe I will do that on Monday.

random 648

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression

I am not feeling well today. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting. After I had therapy, I broke out in a fever, low grade. It didn’t last too long after I took some naproxen. I still feel shitty. I didn’t know what I was going to have for supper as I didn’t eat lunch. I made some soup. I hope it doesn’t make me sick as it is past its expiration date. So far, I am not feeling worse than I already do. My head still feels fuzzy.

In therapy, we talked more about my father and how crappy I was feeling. I need to go to walgreens to get some Nyquil but after I broke out in a fever, decided against it. She asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day and I said to tend to my crops. Some how she thought I said crabs. Don’t know where her head is. She blamed it on my “accent”. I guess it is funny but I wasn’t in the mood for laughter. We also talked about how my mood is shifting. One minute I will be fine, the next I will be severely depressed. Then back to being fine again. The depression doesn’t last but when it hits, it is like the world is coming to an end. It is worse at night, always worse at night. I don’t know if it’s like a sundown effect or what, but my mood plummets soon after the sun setting. Today that doesn’t appear to be the case as I am too sick to be depressed, I guess. I just feel so awful. It sucks being sick, especially when you don’t have the stuff to make you better. I will go out tomorrow and get my stuff that I need. I don’t have any more naproxen or ibuprofen so if I run a fever again, I am screwed. I was able to get some Tylenol from my mother’s stash. But she doesn’t have ibuprofen. She tends to think that tension headache medicine takes care of her pain. All it is, is Tylenol mixed with caffeine. But as long as it helps her, I am okay with it.

Because my headache is taking the effect of a migraine, I am sensitive to sound and light. I had to stop playing Taylor because the music was not having a pleasurable effect on me. And like I predicted, the songs are playing shuffle in my head. I will start with one song and then later on it will play another song. It keeps changing and then it won’t leave my brain until I actually hear the song, at low volume. I am kind of upset this cold is affecting my music playing. But then, there was construction going on next door and I was very irate most of the day. I couldn’t stand listening to the chainsaw, some kind of diesel vehicle backing up and beeping, and a grinding noise coming from the backyard. It was so annoying. Then it would stop for a few minutes after all the grinding and sawing only to hear the damn vehicle beeping. It finally stopped around 1630.

I think I am totally obsessing over Taylor. I just can’t get enough of her. I auto-record all her interviews and performances. I can’t wait for the American Music Awards to see her sing one of her songs. I don’t know if it will be “blank space” or “shake it off”. “Blank space” got like 46 million views on youtube. If I were technologically inclined, I would post the video on my blog, but I don’t know how to do it. I know people post youtube videos all the time, but I learned how. So if someone wants to leave me a comment on how, please do so!

Missed Opportunity

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Missed opportunity

I had the chance today to meet one of my favorite DJ’s at my local grocery store but I don’t feel well and it’s freezing out, like 28 with a windchill of 18 degrees. I woke up with my sinuses and throat hurting me at 0500. It already has been a long day. I really want to meet her but I am also afraid to meet her as I always have problems talking with female celebrities. Last thing I want to appear is like an idiot. When I met Teryl Rothery, I talked ok and then I got really stupid. Not one of my finer moments. Since then I have been afraid of meeting my idols. This DJ is my favorite because she has a great personality. I have loved her since first hearing her many years ago when Boston had just one country music station. They have been in Boston for more than 20 years now. I remember when she had to go on maternity leave, I was sad because I didn’t get to hear her on the radio but I was happy that she had a healthy child. She has the on-demand lunch where you call in songs. I never was able to get through but I once tweeted my song and she said she would play it. And one time she shouted out my name on the radio when I told her some news about a country artist that was coming to town. We are Twitter buddies. That is why I feel so bad not going. I feel silly as the clock is ticking but I really don’t feel like getting dressed to face the cold and a bus to meet someone I might be an idiot in front of. I know there might be another chance to meet her. Hopefully on a warmer day!

Had therapy today. We talked about nothing particular except my damn father. Just when I think I have a break from him, I don’t. I had to deal with him on the phone today. I really am thinking I should just brace myself for dealing with him every day and then when there is a day I don’t, I can celebrate.

I don’t know what else there was to talk about in therapy today. We briefly talked about how my bowels are still making me depressed but didn’t go in grave detail about it. The weird thing is that I feel we should have been talking about something other than my father, but he takes so much energy from me that I just let her talk about how many spoons I lose in dealing with him. We also talked briefly about how I am not psychotic. She was/is shocked that I haven’t had a psychotic break in dealing with my father. Though at this point, I think my obsession with Taylor Swift’s 1989 is becoming psychotic. I stopped listening to the songs while I went downstairs to see if dinner was ready and I started singing one of Taylor’s songs. I was dancing while I was mouthing the words to my mother. She thought I was nuts. I don’t remember what song it was. I just know that if I am not listening to music, the songs are playing in my head. I did take a break from listening to 1989 yesterday. But I listened to “just Taylor” playlist because I had to listen to “Love Story”. I have to listen to that song at least once a day and I hadn’t had my fix since purchasing 1989. I just love this album!

My therapist doesn’t know about the repetitiveness of the songs, yet. If I had a CD or cassette tapes, it would have been worn out by now. I don’t think I can have a psychotic break while taking my meds. Least I hope not. I know I am taking a chance taking it every other day but I seem to be doing well and have less side effects with this regimen. I wish my pdoc would have written back to me when I told her this. I really would like her feedback on it. But she is recuperating from a broken hip. I don’t know when I am going to see her again. It is so weird not seeing her every other week. I just emailed her to see how she is doing. Hopefully, she will reply.

I am glad I am not struggling too much with my mood lately. I still haven’t had a chance to go to Starbucks and write the book that I am working on. I just sit and journal when I do go. I keep forgetting the notes that I have to prompt me to write. I could do that while I am on my bed but I rather it be in a coffeehouse because it gets me out of the house. And away from distractions such as Twitter and Facebook! I have been trying to finish this blog for the past twenty minutes but keep getting distracted with FB notifications. FOCUS! OK.

My mother normally doesn’t have the heat on except if it is cold like it is today. Which is bad for me because I am freaking hot in my flannel PJs under my comforter! I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan because I am so hot. My heat system is either wicked hot or not at all. I hate it.