a night of pain and the aftermath of self-harm

I had an awful night of sleep last night. I was awaken by pain in my elbow. I couldn’t straighten my arm out at all without severe pain. It was very swollen and I must have slept on it wrong. Whatever it was, it had gotten slightly better by the time I woke up a few hours later with another pain in my good foot. I forgot to tell the podiatrist about this mysterious pain that happens in my arch and goes away when I get moving. It was five AM when it woke me up so I wasn’t moving anywhere. I just took some more pain meds and tried to sleep some more.

Even now, my elbow is tender. I was going to call the doctor to make an appointment but I really don’t want to see another doctor for sometime because of my cuts. I am afraid they might not understand and send me to psych services or something. Once they heal a little more, I will decide if I should go. I think naproxen is taking care of the pain for now in my elbow anyways and my foot so I am good.

I wrote a good summary about my cutting episode in my journal the night it happened. I plan on typing it up and posting it when I feel up to it. I still feel numb and lost. I can believe that I did this. It was bound to happen one of these days when something set me off. I have to say it is better than me attempting suicide. Three one inch cuts hardly can count as an attempt as that was not the intention. I just needed a release. I still have not told my psychiatrist. She kindly called in my antipsychotic prescription. It went through this time around. Thirty bucks gone. Now I just have to fill my pain meds and I am set for the month. I will drop off the script tomorrow as I forgot to do it today when I went to the pharmacy. I just wasn’t thinking about it until I went to pick up my other prescription.

I haven’t written anything about my darkness story in a few days. I should write about the cutting but I am afraid it might trigger me into cutting again like it did the other day. It got real intense and I totally wasn’t expecting that. Usually I can write and it is all good, no matter how dark and carried away I get but this time, it just proved to be too much. If I was an alcoholic, I would feel like I lost my sobriety. It had been more than ten years since I last cut. I am kind of uncertain what lies ahead now. I am trying not to think about it but it sometimes gets the better of me and I do think about doing it again. It is an addiction to the pain that I feel. Yet it also is a release. Only a cutter would understand what I am talking about.

Other than my therapist and the blog world, I have not told anyone about the cuts and I have been careful to keep them concealed around my house. I am supposed to go to my niece’s birthday party tonight. I might make an appearance and then leave. I still am not feeling too well since I had a bad night sleeping. My ankle still feels numb from the nerve block. So I guess it was the nerve all this time as my tendon has not flared up. Yet I haven’t done anything the last day or so to warrant it to flare up. I just have stayed home and rested. Today was the first day that I went to Starbucks. I figured I would work on my book and I did. I read the first two chapters then had to stop. I wore my AFO brace today so my ankle would have more support. It’s no longer icy out so I can wear it more. It is still cold out, however. But what do you expect in wintery New England??

I am glad it is cold out as it gives me reason to wear my t-shirt long sleeved shirts. I love them because they are not heavy like sweatshirts. My favorite one is the Red Sox Championship shirt I bought myself. It is in the wash right now because I got something on the sleeve and it was annoying me having to see it. I might wear the same things every day but soon as I notice they smell or have a dirt spot on them, it’s wash time! Speaking of wash, I should take a shower before my niece’s party as I do stink a little. I haven’t showered since Monday night. I can’t believe how long this week has been. I had so many appointments. And I know my therapist is going to want to keep an eye on me so she is going to try to get me to have extra sessions. She is worried since I cut and even though I wrote a blog for the reasons for it, she still wants me to talk about it. Typical therapist stuff. I am just glad she isn’t DBT oriented or my life would be hell right now. She does want me to implement the crisis response plan in the event I again feel like cutting again. She feels to blame, least in my opinion, for my cutting. But it’s not her fault. It’s no one’s fault really. I just had a bad day, a really bad day and something snapped. I can’t really remember what it was but I think me writing about it in that blog really triggered me and I couldn’t get it out of my head despite talking to someone, listening to music, and trying to de-stress. And I didn’t dissociate so that was good. I think I probably would have done more damage if I had.

Falling Apart

Falling apart

Since my little self harm episode yesterday, I have been crying non stop. I am just am extremely sad for some reason. I cried throughout therapy and my therapist of course wants me to see her in her office. Her anxiety is up because of my self harm issues. I really want to cut again but am not sure I can do it. I have been thinking about it all day. I just feel like it will help with the feelings of being a worthless scumbag.

I have been up early today because I had to meet with the podiatrist. He thinks it’s a nerve issue so gave me a nerve block. It numbed the painful area and it still is numb. For the first time in three years it is not painful. I hope it still works during the night. I haven’t done anything all day because I didn’t want to risk injuring it while walking. He also wants me to have nerve conduction tests. I am foregoing that aspect of his treatment plan. I don’t think that will tell us anything because I already have nerve damage in the foot. My foot is still sore where the shot was. I hope it goes away.

The urges to cut have not stopped. I feel like I might try again today but I don’t know. I am trying to resist as long as possible. I have been trying not to think about it but it is hard. My therapist of course wants another session with me on Monday but I don’t think that will help me. I feel like I let her down because I cut. I feel really ashamed of myself. No one knows about this except my blogging community and my therapist.

I tried to eat some good food today but nothing tastes right. I should have just had donuts and be done with it. But I am still waiting on my psychiatrist to write in my prescription for abilify so I can get it. I am kind of running low. I don’t care if I run out but there will be consequences if I do stop taking it. I sent her an email about the podiatrist and the script so hopefully she will write another script because the one she did never went through. My therapist thinks that I should write to her to tell her I cut so she is in the loop but I don’t want to. I feel like it will be another person I let down and I can’t live with that.

Today as been a hard day. I have been trying to sleep and just rest my ankle but it is not easy. I either have to go to the bathroom downstairs or I get hungry which leads me to downstairs yet again. I just want to zone out. I could just take some Neurontin and chill out. I think that is what I am going to do. Maybe if I sleep off this laziness, I will feel better. I have been up since six. It has been a very long day.

I think part of why I have been so weepy today is because I finally have no pain after three years. Not even a buzzing sensation on my ankle. No throbbing. No nothing since the nerve block. It’s very weird to go from being in pain to no pain. Maybe a nerve block can happen in my brain and prevent my urges for cutting to.

What I’ve done

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.