Tag: depression

Coffee Worked!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Coffee worked!

I had some coffee and it seemed to be the cure for my drowsiness. I don’t feel sky high hyper but I feel alert enough to write another blog. I participated in the BPD chat on Twitter. It’s always interesting because I learn different things each week. Today I learned that according to psychiatry, there is “no hope” for the illness. Meanwhile in psychology, there is help and hope for recovery (DBT and mentalization based therapy (MBT)). MBT is popular in the UK but not widely available. If it is a trend in the US, I don’t know where it is based. I know DBT is more popular in the US and most clinicians use it as the go to for any self harming behavior. Some even treat it as a “cure all”, when not all people respond to it. I was one that did not like it. There are somethings I like about it and somethings I don’t like about it. But it was being rammed down my throat and I fought with the therapist I was with constantly about it. I still think that psychodynamic therapy has its merits and it seems to work for me as I am still here.

I am feeling a little euphoric. I need to take a shower but my damn ankle is not cooperating with me. I just took a pain pill to try and get it to calm down. I keep thinking today is Monday and I know it’s not. I am getting nervous about the class that I will be taking tomorrow evening. I see my pdoc in the afternoon so I am sure to be wiped out come late tomorrow evening. I am not going to be taking the morning dose of my mood stabilizer. I can’t risk being drowsy all day. I am debating to bring my laptop but I will have to go to a part of town that has crime so I don’t think I will. I will be by myself and I will be nervous as it will be dark when I get out of class. There will be about eight of us in class, according to the email that was sent to us. It’s going to be a small group.

I haven’t decided what time I will be leaving to go to this class. There is a Starbucks on the corner so I can hang out there if I am too early. I think I will get there like an hour early just so I can sit and have a drink and maybe read a little bit or write. I think I will be too nervous for reading. I hope the essay that I have will be okay, even though it puts me out there as being depressed and suicidal. Not too many people are comfortable with this but I am sure I won’t be the only one with depressive issues. This essay means a lot to me because I know it was well written and is the first piece that my pdoc asked what I will be doing with it. Her feedback means so much to me. But I have no idea how the other writers are going to take this piece. Yet I want the NY Times to publish it. Go figure that one out.

I am going to try something different tonight. I am going to take my mood stabilizer pill before I take the other meds. Maybe if it makes me drowsy, I can have a better sleep and I won’t wake up at six in the morning. The game ended a few hours ago so I won’t be all moody tonight with the way it goes like I usually am. It kind of stinks because I have two choices, read or Twitter. There is another chat tonight that I usually attend but it’s not a friendly group and I have been told off before. I don’t know if I will participate tonight. I have to decide if I want to get my haircut in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I still haven’t decided what I am going to do after my appointment with my pdoc. Maybe I will bring another essay and see if I can make it longer. It will be good to work on something for my book. Can’t believe it’s already September and I am no closer to finishing this book than I was when I started. I really need to put some hours into this if I want to be close to finishing this book by next year. I don’t know when I will be finished with this or when I want to publish it. I know I want it to be close to 200 pages and I am not even close to half way there. My problem is that I write concisely and can’t seem to expand on my ideas. It is frustrating.

tired and drowsy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I took my mood stabilizer again early in the morning when I woke up and fell asleep. I feel so groggy. I haven’t made coffee yet and will soon. This is terrible. How am I going to function during the day if I just want to sleep? I won’t be taking it tomorrow morning because I have an appointment with my pdoc in the afternoon and I don’t want to be drowsy. I know the risk is becoming hypomanic but I will risk it. I got to go to Walgreens today. I need some more dark chocolate and to pick up the rest of my prescriptions. The app that I have kept on giving me reminders so I just said the hell with it and ordered it. I will go after I have my coffee.

I am feeling kind of depressed. I found out today my niece went back to her college dorm. She didn’t even say goodbye to me. She took my mother’s toaster oven and left. I won’t see her probably until Thanksgiving. I really am going to miss her, course I didn’t really see her most of the summer because she was working and taking a couple of classes. But she did make some awesome brownies when we were together. Why do kids have to grow up?

I really don’t want to do anything today. Going to Walgreens is going to be a hurdle. I also need to take a shower sometime today. Maybe that will wake me up, but giving my track records with showers, I doubt it. I really just want to go back to sleep. The weird thing is, I take the same dose at night and it doesn’t make me sleepy. I don’t understand it. Maybe I should take it by itself and see if it does make me crash. I think my sleep will be better. I thought the tiredness would wear off after a few days but it doesn’t seem to be that way. I don’t know what to do. I need this med to control the hypos but I don’t want to be sleeping all day. Unless the crash is starting and the depression is masking the effects of the drug. That is possible. We’ll know tomorrow when I don’t take it.

Last night I had a weird dream. I dreamt I was working at my old retail place and it was very busy. I was working the register and returns when this lady came in with Christmas decorations wanting to return them. You could tell they were at least a few years old and it was summer so she didn’t just buy them. I had to go to the bathroom in the dream and then I woke up. The weird part was that we were working out of someone’s house rather than the store. Weird.

The stuff that I bought from Amazon came today. I got my dirt devil vacuum. It’s staying in the box until I have energy to use it. I don’t have any energy right now to play with it. I am so fricken tired. I just had lunch so I shouldn’t be tired. Game is on so I am going to watch it and make some coffee.

Nerves

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Nerves

I sent a copy of my blog to a friend of mine for her input. She said that it was good, though she didn’t know what else to say about it. That made me feel a little bit better about using this as a template for editing, though I don’t know how much editing I am really going to be doing. I am really nervous about this class. I wish I knew something more about the class as the email the teacher sent us was not entirely straightforward. I know my perfectionism is getting the better of me and that is what is driving up the anxiety.

Only thing I did today was go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. They finally filled it and I am grateful I didn’t have to file a complaint. I was going to get a haircut and go to the post office but I woke up really tired. I just had some coffee to try and wake up. I hope this side effect of the medication wears off soon. I can’t stand being like this, where all I want to do is sleep. In addition to getting my prescription, I got some chocolate because I haven’t had any in a long time. I got Hershey’s Special Dark and Reese’s dark peanut butter cups. I love dark chocolate, but not too dark. I stop at 68%. Any more than that and it’s too bitter.

My mother made bacon so I made eggs and put it all in a burrito for breakfast. Now I am full after I had my coffee. I don’t know when I will have lunch. I think I will make steak for supper. I have to make it before it goes bad. I am hoping the coffee doesn’t cause me to go hyper. Course, right now, I feel like I could nod off and sleep for a couple of hours. Game is on at 1600 today. I am getting a little depressed as there is only four weeks left of baseball, well of Red Sox baseball anyways. It’s going to be sad because one of the announcers on NESN has been fired. He was one of my favorites. Now they will be having another guy doing the 2016 games. My other favorite guy, Remy, will only be doing 40 home games. It is going to suck big time. I have no idea who is going to do the radio show with Joe Castiglione. His partner Dave is going to NESN. I hope it’s not going to be Merloni. I can’t stand him. He makes a boring analysis of baseball. And his voice is kind of like a rude know it all. I am just very sad that things are changing. I knew there would be changes to the Sox as they have a new CEO, but I wasn’t expecting changes in the broadcasting booths.

Last night I was going through some blogs looking for some that had a story of a good depressing tale. I found one but it was short, less than 500 words. I apparently wrote it while I was dissociating. It was a good piece of writing and I hope I can stretch it out. I really need to start working on my book because 2016 is going to be here before I know it and I would like to publish this book sometime during that year. But I haven’t been in a depressed writing mood since the hypos have taken over. I have felt “well”, which is not something that I feel often. In fact, I hardly feel that way ever, which is why I am so scared when I crash. I am so afraid of falling deep in the abyss and never coming out. But the longer I don’t feel a crash, the more I am nervous. It’s like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you have no idea when it is going to happen. I wish it would happen sooner rather than later, just so I am prepared. Both of my treatment team knows I have been hypo for quite a long period of time. I think they both are waiting as well for me to crash. It would be nice to think that adding the mood stabilizer in the morning will prevent it but I doubt it. I spent three weeks in the hospital last year taking it twice a day and I still crashed by mid-September. It lasted for a long while, until Feb when I was hypo again for a few days. I wonder if you can feel really exhausted being hypo because right now I am looking at my pillow and it is calling my name. I really want to take another nap so bad. But I am afraid that if I do, I won’t sleep tonight or I will be up really late like I was last night. I also got the late night hungry horrors, where I was wicked hungry. It was like I didn’t eat anything at all, all day. I wish I bought rice so I could have had it with my steak. I was really craving carbs so I had a tortilla wrap and a nutri grain bar at like 0100.

Migraine City

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Migraine City

I woke up early this morning around 0600. I had breakfast and then went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later with a headache. I didn’t think nothing of it so went about my business. I took a shower and surprisingly, it didn’t exhaust me. I got a text saying the bus route that I take to the square was really late. Great. So I finished getting dressed, got my headphones and went to the bus stop. I didn’t know how late the bus was and I didn’t want to miss it if it was close to being on time. I guess it was really late because I caught the other route that was going down Broadway. I figured I take that bus to get to the Square. By the time I got to Starbucks, my eye hurt really bad and the headache was worse. Hello migraine. There was nothing I could take for it as I didn’t have any pills on me. I didn’t have so much as an Advil. I just drank my coffee, hoping the caffeine would make the pain subside. By the time I was half way done with my coffee, the pain did subside. It was a minor ache but I still didn’t feel well. The pain travelled to the side of my neck. It wasn’t fun. I had an errand to do for my mother before catching the bus home. I ran it and then waited for the bus. As the bus got there, I got another text that the bus was running behind. It was five minutes late. Sucked but at least I wasn’t stranded at the station. My ankle was really hurting so there was no way for me to walk to Broadway to catch the other bus. I would have to wait for another bus route that went down the street to catch it.

After I got off the bus, I decided to go to Walgreens and get my pain medications filled. Damn pharmacist had a problem filling them because both were short acting pain meds. Fucking A. She had to call the office to verify what my doctor wrote. Now I have to wait another day to get my meds. My ankle is not happy as I was waiting. Once they told me it was going to be an hour I said I would pick it up tomorrow. I wasn’t going to be in the store an hour while my ankle was in the mist of a flare up. I got some migraine pills that were over the counter and turkey bacon as I had a coupon for it. I haven’t had turkey bacon in a long time. They also had my favorite flavor of Gatorade so I bought that, too. I figure it would help my migraine as they always say drink Gatorade for a migraine/headache.

I came home and got the mail. Now I am just going to relax with the AC on. If I get a message saying my prescription is ready, I will just pick it up tomorrow. I thought about picking it up later but my ankle is really hurting. I don’t know what I did but when I kicked off my sneakers, it really yelled at me. I took my migraine pill so I should get rid of this damn thing in a half hour. I hope by then my appetite comes back because I didn’t have lunch and it’s close to dinner time. While I was running the errand for my mother, I thought about getting her cod fillets. She usually eats fish on Fridays but they were expensive. For a tiny piece of fish it was close to eight bucks. My mother would kill me for spending that much money on it. If my headache is gone and I feel like eating, I plan on making my steak. That is all I want. I had Manwich last night. It was very good. I still have about three sandwiches left. That will be lunch tomorrow.

I emailed my pdoc giving her an update on my mood. I texted my therapist with the same info. Taking my morning mood stabilizer pill has helped with the hypos considerably, though I feel really numb and groggy. I took the pill early this morning after I had breakfast and it really knocked me out. That is why I didn’t think nothing of the headache when I woke up because I just thought it was a hangover. I am glad the hypos are being controlled but feeling nothing is worse. I don’t feel happy nor sad or content or depressed. I just feel absolutely nothing. I do feel somewhat weepy at times though. I don’t know what that is about.

I got an email for the class I registered for Monday night. Now I am getting really nervous about it. Shit just got real. The email said to bring an essay that was between 750-1500 words. I got that checked. It’s my Love/hate blog that I have been sending to the NY Times. I would really love to get this published there. I keep sending it a couple times a week. I think I got to change the message though. Maybe if I add that it’s a piece on suicide transference they might take it. I have been sending them the same message over and over again. Maybe if I spice it up with suicide talk it might be considered.

I am kind of nervous about the piece with a group of strangers. What if they don’t like my style of writing or think the piece is too morose? My pdoc liked the piece very much that she asked me what was I going to do with it so it can’t be that bad. It’s just that these people are real writers and I just don’t know how critical they are going to be. The class is on editing and making it more dynamic writing. I just hope my mood state doesn’t become irritable or too paranoid. I am really nervous because I have never met other writers before. I even bought business cards so I can share my info with other people when I go there. I think it would be nice to next work but the cards won’t come until next week, after the class. I could have paid extra shipping but it was more than twenty bucks. I don’t need them that bad! I do have some business cards but it has my old work information on it. I’d have to cross out everything for it to be current. It sucks that I have these cards and I can’t use them. Waste of money and paper. I only purchased them because we were doing a lot of studies and thought it was a good idea in case they wanted to get in touch with me. I don’t think I hand out one card. Course, now that I think about it, I could have sent it with the blood tubes instead of stickers. Always think of things in hindsight.

I hope my ankle pain subsides. I have enough pain meds to make it to Monday, in case my doc doesn’t get back to the pharmacy this weekend. Just sucks that I have to wait because of their concern. It’s signed by my doctor and he obviously knows what he is doing otherwise I doubt he would have written the prescription. Also, they could have just asked me why the prescription was written and I could tell them why. One of the pain meds I take for breakthrough pain, or when the pain is really severe (which is also indicated on the damn prescription). It’s not helping my headache worrying about it. I just hope it’s all cleared up by Monday or some people at corporate is going to hear my vexation!

Oh, and just to let you know, the word awesomesauce made it to the dictionary today but suicidality still isn’t in there. Go figure that one out.