Tag: depression

Sleep Success and Other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sleep Success and other things

I didn’t take anything out of the ordinary last night. But I slept till 12:15 today! Only woke up around 0800 to pee and then I was right back to sleep. It was wonderful. I went to sleep around two. I haven’t slept that long in so long I forgot what restful sleep was like!

I changed my FB profile pic to a sad face because that was how I was feeling to yet another Sox loss last night. I was extremely disappointed that the Sox have both hitting and pitching woes. I don’t remember a Sox team that had both at the same time. It’s just so painful to watch game after game after game. You used to be able to count a win if they scored first. Now that doesn’t even seem to be the case.

I also changed it as a little experiment to see who would respond to it, not that it was attention seeking but I wanted to see who would negatively respond. Or give me the “cheer up” response. So far, I have just called concern. Experiment fail. I will probably change it later today, after the game. If they win today, I will change it. If they lose, I won’t. Kelly is on the mound today so I am expecting a loss. He has lost his last three starts. Not really hopeful.

In other baseball news, there is a pitcher in the minors that weighs 300 pounds. I wish they would leave the guy alone. They keep comparing him to Bartolo Colon. I can’t remember if Colon is a pitcher or a batter, but that shouldn’t matter. As long as they can play, so what. They said the same thing about Sandoval who came back to the Sox with extra weight on him and he was the most agile player on the team. Granted he has just got whacked in the knee the other night so he isn’t so agile but weight shouldn’t matter. I am so tired of people noticing and basically, body shaming people who gain a pound here and there. Who cares!! If they are comfortable with themselves, whose business is it to tell the world that they have extra weight. People are so pathetic that they go on these things just to make a story. It’s sickening.

I need to take a shower today. My head is so itchy even though I hardly have any hair on it. My scalp gets wicked dry and I hate it. I really don’t want to shower but it needs to be done. I did brush my teeth today. I have been brushing more frequently than showering, sometimes even twice a day. I don’t know why self care is so difficult. I guess because I really don’t care about myself, it’s like why bother?

I had my coffee and a breakfast sandwich when I got up today. Coffee was really good. I finally mastered the art of coffee to water ratio. Now there is a new Brazil coffee that I love. It’s a reserve coffee so will be just as expensive as the Brazil that I have now. It’s different as it tastes more like chocolate milk than coffee. I had it the other day while at Starbucks. I just wish I got a larger size. It was very yummy.

It’s very humid today and it’s raining, which means we have to close the windows. I mostly will be staying in my room where it’s thirty degrees cooler because I have the AC. My mother doesn’t like the AC. Too much electricity. Eventually, I will buy an energy efficient model. This one is at least five years old and pulls a lot of watts. Just plugging it in you can hear the pull. But that is next year’s expense. I have no idea what kind to get. I will have to ask my brother in law. I know there are things like BTU’s and such that you need to know about. I don’t know why they just can’t say that this AC will be fine for a medium size room and this is better for a smaller type room. Would make buying it so much easier!

Saturday Blog 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up last night after sleeping after dinner. It was around 2230 and then I stayed up till 0300. I tried transferring music from my phone to my external 64GB card but it kept giving me errors. I finally finished the transfer. Took five tries, but I got it done. I just hope it works when I play it on my new phone. I also transferred all my pics on my current phone to the card.

I had my groceries delivered today. Luckily, everything I ordered was in stock. Last time, my hamburger buns weren’t in. I am craving a weird sandwich. Just with hamburger bun, cheddar cheese, and pickles. I had hamburgers last night and a steak for lunch so I am good with meat right now. Guess I just want a meatless sandwich. I also got my S’Mores cookies. They are really good but they are sweet. And the package is smaller than a regular Oreo package. Kind of disappointing.

I have been feeling kind of depressed the past day or so. I pulled a chest muscle while moving the powerade to another room in my house. I always seem to pull this chest muscle whenever I lift anything heavy. It sucks. Doesn’t help my mood. Course, according to the experts, people with depression are more likely to die from heart attack or stroke. Just what I always remember when my chest hurts. I am not having any other symptoms of a heart attack, like shortness of breath, pain down my arm, or sweating or feeling nauseous. My ankle hurts, a lot, today because I have been doing the stairs more. Seems every time I get up to my room, I realize I forgot something or have to go to the bathroom. It is so frustrating. I don’t know why my bladder can’t tell me I need to go when I am on the lower level. It has to wait until I am comfy in my bed to let me know it has to go.

I didn’t have coffee today. I had a plan to make it but after I had the steak, I really didn’t want it anymore. So I am tired. But that could be the pain meds talking. I had to take one to get my ankle pain under control. I might have to take another pill as one just doesn’t seem to be doing it.

I can’t wait to listen to the Sox game tonight. I missed it yesterday because I slept. I caught the 8th inning and they were losing 5-4. Final score was 7-4 so I didn’t miss much. Bullpen came apart from what I gather. I am so sick of losing but it’s something to do while doing nothing.

Apart from the groceries being delivered and tangling with my computer to make files transfer, I haven’t done anything today. I have been meaning to read Dostoevsky but I just don’t have the brain power. I really just want to nap until game time. I ordered a self help book in my last order from Amazon. I really can’t wait to read it.

I haven’t thought about my writing activity from my therapist in the last few days. I think I am going to just write it up on paper and then type it up so I can “blog” it. She gave me the perimeters on what to write. I don’t like them but I will try and do it anyway. I will probably start sometime tonight, after the game.

Random 284

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up early this morning, around 0630. I did a few errands, including grocery shopping. I needed some more powerade and it was on sale this week. After that, I got dressed and went to Starbucks for breakfast and coffee. They just came out with a NEW Brazil coffee and oh my god, is it good! It’s like drinking chocolate milk! I love it. I bought a bag of the old Brazil because I didn’t want to run out. My summer coffee will the new Brazil, iced! I am so happy I have a coffee that I like again.

I did some writing but then I got really sleepy. Taking pain medication before leaving the house will do that. So I went to the meat market and got some burgers for dinner tonight. I really wanted to buy cod but it was way too expensive. I bought it a few weeks ago when it was only around eight dollars. Now it was between thirteen and fourteen dollars! My mother would have killed me if I bought it. So I didn’t.

On the way to the Square, my father’s doctor’s office called with his lab results. Not good. He has to stop taking his medication for a few days and then go back to taking it on Sunday. UGH. My little plan of doing nothing didn’t work. I hope they call the lab that goes to his apartment so I don’t have to take him to the lab like I did yesterday.

I was in a foul mood when I came home. Everything was annoying me. The hamper that I need to clean out was bugging me and overwhelming me. My foot hurt really bad, the bad one, not the one I banged up. I was tired. I felt like I could cry. I didn’t cry but I just took an Ativan and went to sleep. Then the text messages and phone calls kept coming in. For crying out loud!! My sister called saying there was no power at the school and would I be available to pick up my niece should they cancel school. I said I would. She said she would text me if I needed to pick her up. And wouldn’t you know, everyone and their mother decided to text me after that point. It was all my Twitter stuff. I get text messages from the people I follow and they were tweeting up a storm. Fucking figures. Then I was getting retweets and favorites for the tweets that I sent out. I get text messages for those as well. I should have just shut the phone off but my luck, my sister would have texted me and I would have missed it. I fell asleep after the mayhem, for an hour or two. I still am tired but I think that is because I haven’t had lunch yet. I just had the rest of a vegan chocolate chip cookie that was left over from last night’s dinner. It was good but it wasn’t enough to fill me up. I will be eating dinner with my mother soon, which is why I was hoping the cookie would stave off the hunger for a little while.

My sister was telling me a story last night. They are building a new condo place down the street from me. The construction people are having difficulty because it’s all slate rock. Now there has been talk of blasting the place so they can dig deeper to build an underground garage. That is crazy. How can they blow up something in a residential neighborhood?? I really don’t want to hear the explosions. I will protest it. I am the one that has to hear the noise because I don’t work and am home more than half the time. I remember when I was working at the hospital, the people across the street did the same thing. They blasted their way to get to do what they need to do. The noise was awful. And I am sure it was no good for the patients. This went on for several days. I hated it. It sounded like a war zone or something. I really hope it doesn’t happen in my neighborhood. It will really suck.

My mother will be cooking! YAY! I hate cooking. I don’t mind the actual cooking part, I just HATE the clean up part.

I just got a retweet on my blog that I wrote last night. It was about my suicidal self being expressed. Apparently, I just need to find god and he will “save me”. I also need to take my responsibilities seriously. Whatever.

Third Blog of the Day: Suicidal Ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender, writing

Okay, so this is my third blog of the day. I just feel the need to write as my brain is overloaded with this heatwave.

I love my new haircut but my mother doesn’t. My father didn’t see it today. I didn’t remove my baseball cap so he could comment on it. He was wondering why I didn’t shave my goatie I have going on. I usually trim it when I see him but I am tired of trimming it.

My brother in law put in my AC so my room is more tolerable now than it was earlier this afternoon. I am wicked tired. I should be sleeping but I feel like I should write. I got too much stuff on my mind. Like why am I not a boy. Why do I have to have female breasts. I feel like such a loser.

My therapist doesn’t know the week I plan on killing myself. I won’t be telling her. I have everything planned out, sort of. Only question is timing of it. I still need to give my psychiatrist her goodbye letter that I wrote a month ago. That is important to me. She needs to know what I have written. I think I will mail it the day I will die. Course, I am still ambivalent and might not go ahead with my plans. I still have not found a cyber person to take care of my social media accounts when I die. But then, I don’t think too many people pay attention to what I write so it might not be a big deal, especially on Twitter. I really don’t see too many people responding, but I could be wrong. I won’t know because I will be gone.

I wish I could say what my reasons are for killing myself. Pain is one. Being transgender is another. Living in a female’s body sucks. In June, I have to go for a pap smear because it’s been ten years since my last one. But I am wondering if it will be worth it at all seeing as I will be dead a few weeks after I am gone. It’s almost like, why bother? I go through the motions as if I want to live so no one has a clue I want to die. It’s not like it is written on my forehead.

Another reason I don’t want to live anymore is because I am tired of living a life I just don’t want to live. I am tired of breathing. I am tired of just being. I am tired of my life being such a struggle every day and no one noticing. I am tired of hurting every single day. I am never going to be a stellar writer. Hell, I can’t even sell 100 copies of my book. I can’t even give them away for free. That is how bad my book title is, perhaps. I am not looking for awards but a simple appreciation can go a long way. I am going to give the book away to the two people that have influenced the book the most. Then I am going to kill myself. I am such a loser. I keep thinking that this is wrong, that I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to go through with it. But I can’t help thinking that suicide is the answer for me. It will solve the pain piece. I won’t be in pain anymore. I can go to my death bed as a female like how every one sees me. My psychiatrist still sees me a female, not as a male. But then I have known her since I was a kid. I don’t blame her. How do you make that kind of transition? Even my eye doctor is the same way. It’s all confusing and rather than sort out the confusion, I rather die. I should maybe write a goodbye letter to my eye doctor. I have known him for more than twenty years. But how do I even begin to write something like that? He is a good guy. We have hung out together for a little bit, coffee and movies. I have even made him dinner a few times.

Then I think about my family and how devastated they will be when I am gone. It kills me. Some days I care and others I try not to. Knowing that I will be a source of their pain is not a fun thing to know. I try not to think about it because it always puts a stop gap measure in my planning. I love my sisters and my nieces and nephew. I know that this will hurt them beyond all measure. But I know they will get over my death with time. It is the one thing that I think keeps the suicidal demons going is knowing this. I don’t care how my aunts will react to my death. I worry that my mother will die of a broken heart. But then it will be her “daughter” and not her “son”. She wouldn’t have to deal with me becoming a man. And I think that is better for her.