Tag: depression

Christmas Day 2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Christmas Day 2013

Today was not a great day. Sure I got material things and spent time with my family. That part was good. But I stood too long between making squash last night and today. I am trying my best not to panic because I can’t move my toes on my bad foot. It is very swollen and hurts really bad. I know that is the reason why I can’t move my toes rather than a disc problem. But telling my panic system that has been, so far, difficult to do.

I also did a lot of stair climbing between yesterday and today, more so today than yesterday. Taking the fall the other day didn’t help and I am now wondering if I somehow hurt the bottom of my foot. All I know is that my foot hurts from the bottom through the top of my foot. Surprisingly, my ankle hasn’t joined in the fun so I am guessing, I probably hurt my foot. My sister tried looking at it. She barely touched me and I was in agony. So something is going on, I just don’t know what. My sis advised me to see a foot doctor. I think I might have to in the New Year. I just hope the copay isn’t fricken $40 because he is out of network. I would see someone at my former place of employment that would be “in-network” but the doctors there are morons. I have yet to find a good doctor there other than for psychiatry and primary care. And this place is in the top ten for best hospitals in the US.

My friend in SA is doing ok despite being a quad. He hates it but knows that it is temporary. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Sure I can imagine it but to really know what it feels like, it is out of my league. But I can empathize with him. And be understanding.

I got Red Sox stuff for Christmas. I don’t know why that is as I am not a fan or anything (said with extreme sarcasm). No matter what, nothing is going to top this year’s World Series Championship. From last place to first is pretty special. And to win three times in a decade is awesome too. I am so proud of my sox.

I have been feeling blue most of the day. I guess the hyper stuff has gone away, least for now. I know I am down because I miss my family members that are no longer with me. I miss my uncles that have passed and seeing their wives, my aunts. My father only has three surviving family members. I just realized that one of my uncles passed away longer than I thought. I didn’t go to his wake or funeral. I just couldn’t bare it. I never really grieved for him. He was the uncle I wanted to marry when I was five. But I couldn’t because my aunt (his wife) would be very upset. I kind of hated my aunt, at the time, because of this. But I got over it. He still was a good uncle. Every Christmas he played Santa, least until he got very sick. He had kidney disease because of hypertension (high blood pressure). He died of kidney failure. Not a pleasant experience. When I was working in dialysis with my research studies, I always thought of him. My aunt (his wife) now has dementia pretty bad. She doesn’t always know when my father calls or knows who she is talking to. But then it runs in the family. My father is starting to lose it. But then my aunts are 89 and 92 and my father is 81. Pretty old! My favorite uncle died when he was 86. I miss him very much. He could have played Santa as he always had a big belly. We used to joke about it with him and he would laugh. Funny how you miss someone when they are really gone. You wish you had more time with them. I remember seeing him the day before he died. He had a stroke and was paralyzed on one side. He was in a coma and only survived for one day. He took another stroke the next day and that killed him. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it has been seven years now. He died the year I had my second diagnosis of CES and I was only weeks post op.

I also have been thinking of my little cousin that is in the Marines. He obviously isn’t so little if he in the military but he is the youngest son of my 1st cousin. I hear that the Marines are really pushing a battle in afghan where is now stationed so I am worried. I sent him a Christmas card. I do hope that he is ok and makes it home safely.

Christmas Eve 2013

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Christmas Eve 2013

Did some food shopping and have not stopped eating since I came home. I got the hungry horrors. I know it is because I didn’t eat much yesterday. I had little appetite because I was sick from my migraine that I got to close the night off. I was wondering why I was nauseous all day. I never learn that it is due to migraine.

I am feeling sad. I just called my Godmother to say thank you for the birthday gift she gave me. She didn’t sound too good. She could barely hear me and her mouth was chattering due to her Parkinson’s disease. I feel really bad for her. I miss hanging out with her on this day. Christmas Eve was always the day to spend with family and then open presents at midnight after midnight mass. This year I am spending it alone. I am staying home, having a TV dinner and watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I might watch Patrick Stewart’s version of the Christmas Carol if I am feeling up to it. The rest of my family (mother and sisters) are going down to my aunt’s house for their fish dinner. I don’t like fish so I am just staying home. I don’t like my aunt anyways.

I just want to have solitary tonight. Christmas doesn’t mean that much to me like it once did. I miss my father’s side of the family. But we don’t talk too much anymore.

The fall I took yesterday hurt my hip. I am really sore and found it difficult to find a comfortable position. I didn’t sleep well but what else is new.

night time blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Night time blog

I did nothing for my birthday. I stayed home listening to the rain fall and watched TV. My family came over and we had some laughs and some cake. I didn’t shower like I wanted to. I fell down the stairs and it kind of wiped out anything else that I was going to do. I am hurting and it’s worse now standing for even a few minutes. I will probably shower tomorrow.

I got a lot of presents that were just for my birthday, not Christmas like it usually goes. My Aunt gave me a Euro in a necklace that nearly choked me because the chain was too small. I like it but the chain didn’t fit right and was aggravating me the whole time I was wearing it. I usually to not wear necklaces. I will wear my Claddaugh ring, but that is only because I lost my high and junior high rings. Our middle school gave out rings because most of the graduates never finish high school. My starting freshman year was about 250 kids. Only about 150 graduated. Granted some had transferred to other schools (like my sister and a couple of my friends moved out of town) but the majority either dropped out because it was too hard or because they got pregnant. One of my friends didn’t graduate because she just couldn’t keep up with school work.

I edited my book for hopefully the last time before the editor sees it. I put in the indents in the paragraphs. I was reading it as I was going along, well, maybe not reading, skimming. And it still gives me chills on certain parts of the book. I know that part of it is because the book is so personal. I talk about every aspect of my life that has to do with my suicidality and the road to seeing therapists and psychiatrists. It was not an easy book to write. I do hope that someone can relate to some of the things I write in it. I know the title alone is a paragraph but I had to get CES into the title. There are no other books out there that deal with Cauda Equina Syndrome, not in the personal sense. People need to know about this syndrome because not all back pain is the same. And back pain can progress to CES if not taken cared of properly or if further injury makes it worse. I try to cover all aspects of getting CES in the book but I am not everyone. What happened to me, might not happen the same way to another person, even if we both had the same disc problem. CES is tricky to understand and most doctors do not know how to treat it, if they are able to recognize it in the first place. And this goes to radiologists too because they are the ones that interpret your MRI’s. They call something wrong because they haven’t seen it and you are fucked.

So this is how my day was. Nothing interesting. Except for the fall down a few steps. OUCH!

Midday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

There is Freezing rain outside today. I have decided not to go out. I got a few birthday messages, still have not gotten one from my therapist. I am sure she is just busy with her little one and will when she gets a chance.

For privacy reasons, I do not display my birthday like other folks do. I sometimes find it annoying to get birthday messages from people that I hardly talk to any other time of the year. Sometimes a day or two before I will display it. Not this year. I really don’t feel like dealing with messages as today is depressing me enough. My father called me around eleven and sung me an offtune Happy birthday. He didn’t sing it right but the sentiment was there. I asked him if I was going to see him tonight (see night blog when it is posted).

I have decided that I am going to write three blogs today. I have been really bored since my writing stopped so might as well do something special for my birthday. I wrote my first blog when I first woke up at 1 am (0100, morning blog). The middle one is now and then the night time will be later after my birthday party, which I hope goes well and doesn’t last too long.

Rain is causing my back to hurt so I guess it is good that I didn’t go out today. My writing friend got back to me and looks like I will have to make indents to my book. I wrote the book like I do my blogs without indentations. OOPS. Now that should take me a couple of hours at least. I won’t do it today. Maybe tomorrow while I know I will have the house to myself and I can order Thai food. That is my Christmas and birthday present to me. It will be the only time I will be able to order food as my finances are going to be low this month. I messed up my checking account and because I am short, I am also short this month. Now I have to decide which to pay, cable or cell phone bill. It sucks living on disability. I wish I could be able to work but if I did, I doubt I would have time to write.

I am excited that I have another book to do. This one is going to take some crafting as it is going to be from our memories from a year ago. It will be based on blogs, journal entries, emails, and memories of our events as we saw them. It is going to be an intense book. My writer friend and I are going to be sifting through this during the new year and write monthly about it. I hope that it is more than a few paragraphs!

And I have a confession to make: I have been avoiding the dentist like a plague all year long. I have to see them because my teeth are starting to hurt and I think I have a loose filling in one of them. I saw the number on my phone today (I looked up to see if the number was still in my contacts) but that was as far as I went. I am just a chicken when it comes to the dentist. I hate the scraping and I know after almost three years of not going regularly, there is going to be some scraping! Plus I don’t brush my teeth on a regular basis so that doesn’t help either. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out yet. But I will call the day after Christmas. Maybe they will have an opening next week or something. I had a good dentist but he was in NH, a long ride for me without a car. I thought I would be able to keep them as I would have the research job and therefore have a car no matter what. Well that turned out to be false. I really miss my research job. I miss the independency of working alone to get a job done.

Well that is all for now.