Tag: depression

PTSD is flaring

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

I took a fall last week, on my birthday. I didn’t think I did anything as I landed mostly on my butt and hip on the stairs. I just pretty much collapsed on the steps. Today my back is hurting and my left leg feels week. Also my thigh is twitching. All indicates that something happened. I don’t really want to have another MRI as the last one sucked but it’s the only way to know if I did something to my back. I am hoping it clears up by tomorrow because I really don’t want to end up in the ER on New Year’s eve. All of this worry and anxiety has flared up my PTSD symptoms with flashbacks of my second diagnosis. I keep hearing my surgeon tell me has never seen a disc fragment so big and that he has no clue how I was able to walk as my nerves were so compressed. I still don’t know how I was able to do it. I was working two jobs at the time and moving stuff in the lab as we had a freezer go down. It was a nightmare. Plus we had two interns from Mexico come to help out the lab and I was no good to either of them because I had to have surgery a month into their arrival. All of these memories keep flooding my brain. I really think I reherniated my L2/L3 disc again. It would account for my symptoms. What a way to ring in the New Year with potential surgery. I will be screwed and most likely permanently disabled if this happens.

To say I am scared is an understatement. I keep moving my foot and toes to reassure myself that things still work. I haven’t done any leg raises because that is hard to do with the laptop on you, LOL. I will do them when I get off. If I didn’t have thigh pain, I probably wouldn’t be worried but that is how everything started with my second go round in the operating room. The surgeon missed a fragment his first go round with my nerves and my left leg became fuzzy and then weak and then non-functioning all within three days time. So now I am at the fuzzy stage and I am freaking out!!

This is what I have to live through and I swear if it is CES again, I am not going to live through it. I will kill myself because I would rather die than be permanently disabled. I will have to have a fusion done to stabilize my spine and I have had too many people have them done and something go wrong. They never recovered and never was able to return to work. I don’t want that to happen to me. I know I am not working now but why should I go through the agony of losing what I regained again to being worse than what I am now. Totally not going to happen. I am too smart to let them talk me into a fusion. I just won’t. I rather be dead.

still feeling blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Still feeling blah. I was talking to my cousin about this and he said it’s similar to being numb. He’s right. It is similar. I hate feeling this way. He is feeling the dead inside feelings I used to have. It sucks feeling this way. I don’t know how I am supposed to live like this. This is going on almost two weeks now, for me anyways. I am just waiting for the suicidal thoughts to come back. But then, I don’t really need to be suicidal to kill myself.

I had a very rude awakening this morning. My fucking bastard father called me at six-thirty this morning for shits and giggles. I am not kidding. Woke me up from a sound sleep. I got really friggen mad, so mad I couldn’t go back to sleep. I hung up on the friggen turkey brain. I didn’t care. If he called back I was going to lay into him. Now I don’t give a damn about him. He has the appointment for his blood work on Monday, and he is going alone. I am not going with him. Fuck him. I don’t need to be there anyways, just to make sure he fucking goes. I got to call his GI doc again on Monday because that idiot didn’t call me back or let me know they called in the prescription. I also have to call the Ophthal people back on Monday for my own appointment. Monday is going to be busy.

I can’t wait till my therapist is back. I miss talking with her. She is not going to be happy about my father. He is such a jerk. I should call him at three in the morning when I wake up just to show him. But I am not going to because I am the more mature person. Who the hell does that?? Calling someone at six-thirty in the morning, for fun??? God I am so pissed just thinking about it. I am so done with him. Let my sisters deal with his stupid ass.

I didn’t go out today because once I got back to a normal temper, my foot went out of whack. I took some pain meds and then was out till about two. I needed the nap. I just ordered Thai food. It was good. I wish it had less chicken. I really just like the noodles.

I got my MP3 player and Taylor’s “Lucky One” is playing. Yesterday I was just thinking how my father always said I was a nothing and even a school teacher told me I was a nothing. Now I am rubbing elbows with some of the top suicidologists in the country and in Switzerland. I know I should be feeling joy or happiness. Or even feeling like a lucky one, but I don’t. I am trying hard to overrule my childhood programming but it’s not easy. I still haven’t heard back from the guy about what I wrote to him. I wrote about my synopsis of the book. Maybe he isn’t in the office and that is why he hasn’t responded. It was late in the afternoon when I wrote. And Switzerland is at least six hours ahead of us. Maybe I will get a response on Monday.

I guess in a way, you can say I am the “lucky one”. Who would have thought that I would be a writer in such a short period of time and be able to write a book that is close to being published. I do hope it is successful but not too successful. Course, if it sells a million copies, then I will be happy and won’t care. But like I said before, I will be happy with just 100 copies sold.

Don’t feel anything but blah

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I don’t feel anything but blah

I had an exciting day. The coeditor of the Building a therapeutic alliance book has totally said it was ok for me to write about the Aeschi model in my book. I am very excited about this. To know more about the Aeschi model, you can read this blog here. It’s in the middle of the blog.

I know I should be feel ecstatic but I don’t for some reason. I liked that the guy gave me some more stuff on the Aeschi model to do some more research into it, but it was just general stuff. He also gave me his chapter in the book. OMG I should be jumping up and down (well not really but you get how I should be feeling). I just don’t understand why I am not feeling joy.

I guess I am just feeling like a nothing and this guy doesn’t think I am nothing if he is letting me acknowledge him in my book. But I just feel so blah. I don’t get it. An author I highly respect emails me back and says I can acknowledge his work in my book and I don’t feel anything but blah? I guess it just hasn’t hit me yet. I know this guy doesn’t know me and I don’t really know him. I know his works as I have read his professional papers and stuff. But I have never met the guy. And I just wrote to him telling him my life story. I am thinking I might have scared him off with that.

But then, if he gets scared easily with my multiple ideas of suicide, then how does he deal with it in his practice? Silly me. I did nothing but praise the guy. I know it isn’t exactly his model. It’s just common sense. I should just write a paper about Aeschi. I thought I wrote about it in my blogs but I can’t find it. I forgot what I called it. I know it’s there because the blog is in my book.

I had a good day, even if I am feeling blah. I realized today that I am neither happy nor depressed. I just don’t feel anything. I guess it is just anhedonia, another symptom of depression. And this time it is very thick. Usually I am ok with it but not being able to feel pleasure with things I used to enjoy bothers me. I find it hard to write when I am in this state. I also find that I am easily distracted to things. Music, for example, is distracting me as I write this. I have to concentrate on the lyrics for some reason when I am like this. Facebook is also distracting me. I just can’t concentrate on what I want to write. It is frustrating as all hell.

I might be depressed, but at least I am not thinking/planning on killing myself. Don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I keep waiting for the big hurt to come that causes me to think of killing myself. My pain, as much as it has flared recently, has been bearable. I don’t feel psychache. I don’t feel any type of psychological pain in a long time. The heaviness in my chest that was there before is gone. Maybe I have turned a corner. Maybe the suicide demons have gone away.

the waiting game

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I slept for about six hours before I woke up again to pain. I took some more meds and went back to sleep a few hours later. I don’t know why it took almost two hours for it to work. Usually within an hour I am zonked. Anyways, I am still hurting and swollen but not as much as it was last night. I am kind of in a pissed/depressed mood because I can’t go anywhere. I just came back from going to Walgreens and think that was too much.

A friend of mine called yesterday to invite me to dinner Monday night but I don’t think I will be able to make it if my foot is not better. I won’t put myself in the position of not being able to walk the distance I have to. Plus Monday I need to go with my father to get his blood work done again. They need to repeat some values as his liver function is compromised. I won’t go into detail as to why.

I really wanted to get my hair cut today but there is no way I can walk down the street. Just going to the store has caused me tremendous pain. I don’t see my primary until next Friday. I hope that this clears up by then, whatever it is.

When I did wake up later this afternoon, I woke up feeling dizzy. I thought it was because I had not eaten or drank anything all day so had something to eat and drink. Didn’t help. I think I might go back to bed. I don’t know why I feel like I am hung over. I think it might just be that I am dehydrated and once I drink some water, I will be ok. I really need to stay off my foot. This so sucks. I mean normally my foot always hurts but this is different. It feels like I am stepping on something but it could just be that my foot is so swollen that is what I am stepping on. It’s just so frustrating. And because my foot has nerve damage, I can’t decipher what is really going on with my foot. There is no break in the skin, I didn’t bang it, nor did I do anything out of the ordinary to cause this. It might have been that I stepped wrong when I took my little tumble on the stairs on Monday but I mostly banged my hip. But I am going to just treat it like a sprain and just ice and elevate it.

I still have my stupid menses. This is going on three weeks now. I am just so frustrated and pissed off. Sadly there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to let it run its course. I stopped taking the pill this week hoping that would speed things up but it hasn’t. I am hoping it goes away in the next few days because I am planning on restarting the pill on Sunday.

I made a couple of web appointments for ophthalmology. Funny thing is they wanted you to pick a doctor but how can you pick a doctor when you don’t know any of them?? So I picked one out of the twenty or so and hope that it is the one that can figure out my problem. Now I just have to wait for the office to call me back. I hate the waiting game.