Tag: depression

I can’t win and I am tired of losing

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Warning this post is really cynical and sarcastic

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for some time now. It has been taunting me with something to write. So here it is:

I had my useless monthly meeting with my PCP for my pain management. He wants me to lose weight and try a cortisone shot. Neither of which is going to happen. One, cortisone actually does more damage than it helps and second I think I might try starving myself as that is the only way I can possibly lose weight. I just texted my therapist that I will be an anorexic by Christmas. I am sure we will talk about it tomorrow if I feel like answering the phone. I love how my PCP conveniently always forgets that I have nerve damage in that foot. That is why I have a tendonitis that won’t go away. That is why I am in pain every fricken night or worse, wakes me from a sound sleep. I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in almost two weeks. Granted I don’t have much to do at any given day so I can take a nap during the but then it further fucks with the sleep cycle. I can’t win and I am so tired of losing.

I am not doing anything tomorrow. I have two appointments by phone and then that is all for the rest of the week. I will start my starvation after Thanksgiving because no use having my mother’s turkey go to waste. I am not going out for coffee. I am just going to stay at home and stay in bed all day or much of the day as possible.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. The ideas were vague but it had something to do with telling a story about being suicidal and how the therapist and client deal with it without resorting to the hospital. If I can get my thoughts together I know this paper will be brilliant.

I didn’t do any editing today. I purposely left the material at home. I don’t want to touch it because I am still in a foul mood, made worse by my PCP and some idiot who really thinks I can starve myself, because yea it is so easy to do. FUCKING MORON. Thanks for the support.

Talking with my therapist today didn’t go good nor bad so I don’t know what to make of it. She kept talking about the blog where I was writing about my suicide attempt when I was sixteen. I honestly don’t even remember sending it to her. It must have been a drunk text. I was drinking during one of the times last week. I would have drank last night but I don’t remember what I did with my bottle. I really want to finish off the bottle. But all in good time.

taking a break

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Taking a break today. Having a hard day and I just want to flip out. Just yell and scream at someone for no reason at all. My psychiatrist asked me today if my fame is making me feel pressured. I don’t know what fame she is talking about. Sure my blog is successful and I have quite a few hundred followers. I am grateful for them. But I don’t think that makes me famous. I don’t want to be famous, well only if there was a HUGE bank account attached to it!

I still feel like crap because I haven’t slept really well. I have no appetite. All I had today was a donut at Starbucks with my coffee. I just don’t feel like eating. I just took a pain pill so I know I will be loopy soon. I should make the bacon that has been left over before it goes bad but I just don’t feel like it. It takes too much of an effort. Just like today I was trying to edit one of my blogs. It was very poorly written, not my best work. Had a whole bunch of mistakes and grammatical errors. I got fed up with it and had to stop working on it. I just felt like scratching the whole thing out rather than work on the mistakes.

I finally got Clint Black’s D’electrified cd. I love this CD. I finally found the song I was looking for, and more. I forgot how good this album is. I am relaxing with it as I am writing this. It was really hard finding this CD because it’s not available as MP3s. But I am glad I got it as I don’t know what happened to my first copy.

in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I’m in a foul mood. I just woke up and my foot is hurting me like I did something while I slept. I was on my back when I woke up so that might have had something to do with it. I woke up a few hours ago, like around three so my sleep has been shitty none the less. I just can’t seem to stay asleep with the pain. I didn’t do anything outside the ordinary today so why am I in so much pain???

I feel like taking a shower even thought it’s almost seven in the morning. I woke up around six. I just feel disgusting. The last time I took a shower was Wednesday. But maybe I will take it later today. I just hate waking up in pain all the time.

I wrote to a friend about the rope situation. He lives in South Africa and wants me to give him the rope. Funny but I don’t think I can. I would have to ship it to him. LOL But seriously, I know I should get rid of it. I just don’t know if I want to or not. I am going to call my friend, my “hubby” (long story), and I know he will come and get it from me. I can give it to him tomorrow as I have plenty of time to kill before my pdoc appointment. And it will be good to see him again. I haven’t seen him since we were celebrating something with a Farking Wheaton WootStout. It was a very good stout and I didn’t drink that much. He drank more than I did. I just had a glass, he had the bottle, LOL. He is a dear friend of mine that I know won’t ask too much about the whys of giving him the rope. I know that it will be obvious because he knows I have bad depressions. There have been a couple of times I have called him in distress over the years. He always makes me laugh. He can never take the serious stuff too seriously. It’s his personality.

I am going to ask my pdoc about being put on another antidepressant, this one is an older one. I found a journal that says that I was on it for a bit but I don’t remember the reason for going off it. I am really desperate to see anything and this med supposedly helps with sleep. That will be good if I can get 6-8 straight hours a night. But according to what I read, you can’t take it if you are on an antipsychotic. So I might be out of luck with restarting this med. But we’ll see. My pdoc might just veto it altogether anyways because of the side effects or because of the other medication I take. But it will be better than trying an SSRI again. I have been tempted to try the Zoloft but I don’t want to get sick off it. Almost all of the SSRI’s cause me to be nauseous and get the dry heaves. The only medication in this class I have not tried is Effexor and that is because it is known to cause a stomach upsets. I can’t win with medication. I don’t know why I see my pdoc. I get frustrated with her, well not her specifically, but the situation that I am in. She is supposed to help me and there is no longer anything more that she can do. It is very discouraging. And when you are suicidal, it is just downright hopeless.

Mood has not improved since taking a shower. I feel like I have a migraine coming on so I just took something. Maybe that is why I feel so grumpy and why any type of sound annoys me. I was snoozing earlier and I think I might have done something to my neck. Shit if it ain’t one thing it’s another. I hate it when I have a “silent” migraine. It’s been happening lately where I won’t get the headache but I will get all the symptoms of the migraine: nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, irritability and a tension in my neck and back of my head. I should have known I was getting a migraine when I was nauseous yesterday for no reason. Because today is Sunday, I don’t have transportation to Starbucks unless I steal my sister’s car. But it’s kind of cold and rainy out and I hate driving in those conditions. If it was my car, I probably wouldn’t care.

I still am feeling somewhat suicidal, more so with my grumpy mood. I just don’t get why I have to live. I know I should publish my book but what am I going to then, kill myself? Show the world I survived my evil thoughts and finally caved in? Doesn’t make much sense. Which further puts me in a grumpy mood…

a little of this and a whole lot of that

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

I went to Starbucks. I don’t know what exactly I was doing but I left my house around 1130 and the next thing I knew it was almost one. I was busy editing and playing on my phone. I am getting closer to my goal of editing the first 100 pages of my book but I am still like 15 pages short. I am sure I will get it done by the end of the month. I so want this book to be edited and published. It just is the longest process I have encountered. But then this is my first book so I guess there will be some hiccups.

I am in a little better mood today than I was yesterday. I listened to Jason Aldean’s song Relentless and it made me feel like OMG that is my therapist!! I have to play the song for her on Tuesday. That might be our new theme song.

I got a little drunk last night. I had a few shots of whiskey and started texting her some stuff like we shouldn’t be together anymore, that I am a hopeless case, etc. I then had to have her text back saying she was alright because I felt bad with making her cry the night before. She said she was ok. She was probably laughing at my texts. I did emphasize that she should see a consult for herself. Maybe they can help her anxiety issues. I am still waiting for my insightfulness to kick in but it hasn’t yet. I wonder if I lost it because I haven’t used it in a long time.

I edited part of a chapter today that was about dealing with suicide attempts. I don’t know if it is going to stay in or not. It is a blog post that I just threw in there. I have noticed I have done that a lot. Some of the content is good but other stuff is just not pertinent to the book itself. But I might leave it in. I don’t know. It really makes a good read. I just have to work on the title of the chapter a little bit. If you want to read it, here it is.

I don’t think I can be apart of my support group anymore. Some of the newer people make me want to rip my hair out of my head. I don’t say anything to them because I don’t think telling them off is right. But seriously think they should get a fucking clue. This isn’t going to go away. You are never going to recover completely. There is ALWAYS going to be residual damage and you might not feel it today but you will feel it tomorrow. But I hold back my fingers typing a response to the person because I don’t want to hurt their already fragile feelings. That is what delete is for. Though it still pisses me off that I have had this condition for over twelve years now and I still have to deal with it. So if I have to, so do you! There! Well, not the majority of my readers because they do not have CES and if this offends you I am sorry. I am just spelling out the truth.

I don’t know why I still hang around. The group has been quiet lately. But you get the one person that ticks you off because they think this is a cancer or something and they can beat it if only they try hard enough. It’s just sad. The condition is humiliating enough and people need support for it. I try to be supportive but I have become jaded. People think that I am a wonderful person and a great contributor. I guess it is my honesty that gets people to think this way. All the while I just think I am being a smartass asshole.