Tag: disability

410

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

410

410. what does this number mean? It could be a time, a place setting, or just a number. To me, that number was my tech code during the fourteen years I worked at a major medical center. I held that number and it was the lowest among my peers because I was the one with seniority.

Recently, this number came up as the number of comments my blog had. It was held at that number until today. With this number I thought over the years the funny times, the serious times, and the not so great times. I remember during my first year there was a kid that had a transplant and didn’t make it. We had worked on this kid for days trying to pull him through. It was the most critical case so s/he had priority over other samples. When it was found out we lost him during the night, I felt so bad. It was the first time that I lost a patient, and it was a child no more than three years old. It was tough. I could only imagine what the parents were going through. I had a toddler nephew at home and thank god he was healthy even though he could be a handful at times. I couldn’t imagine losing him to some disease.

I also have seen some good times where co-workers got married, had kids, and also seen co-workers pass away. They say that things happen in threes. In one year, we lost three co-workers, two of whom I worked closely with. It was a very tough year. To Tessie and Donnie, I still think of you.

Toward the end of my work days, my number was seen as the most proficient in the lab. I typed the most because I had the most experience. I knew my job inside and out. I knew how to help those that needed it and guided the newer employees through the work day. I miss that. But in the end, I truly was just a number and my loyalty meant nothing. My seniority meant nothing. I was treated like an old mule and basically shot dead and told to move on due to my medical restrictions. I couldn’t just sit and type. I had to be mobile and because I couldn’t be, my job left me and I was out.

It still hurts that I was not held on to. But without them I would not have this blog. I wouldn’t be publishing my stories and papers. I guess with that I gained another opportunity that I would not have had.

Post Marathon feelings part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

Boston had a good sports night. All three teams won, Bruins (hockey), Celtics (basketball), and Red Sox (baseball). I feel pretty good that they won. I also am amazed that people with my condition have a resilience that goes deeper than the injury of cauda equina syndrome. A friend of mine is going to have surgery to close her stoma for the bladder that she has had for the past several years. Her doctor thinks that because of MRSA it is not closing properly so it needs to be debrided. So far she seems to be in good spirits but I know I would be in a different place having to deal with that. I can’t imagine what she is going through but I understand it.

I am still having a hard time with the bombing attack on my city. Today, three more people were arrested in connection with the bombings. I thought it was over but it is not. I don’t know when it will end. Tonight the Red Sox gave up five home runs and each of them were considered “bombs” and I just shuttered. I can’t even hear the word anymore without it taking me back to what happened just two weeks ago. I had to unfollow one of my tweets because they were just scaring me. It was like every feed had a new twist in the bombings. I wish they didn’t have to be so public about. I wish the media would tone down the story just a bit. It can make you crazy, like I am just thinking about it. My dreams are still filled with remnants of the bombings. I can’t listen to a motorcycle without thinking it’s gunfire. My brain just can’t shut off unless I am heavily drugged some nights but that is because the pain in my leg hurts so bad.

The other night I really wanted to do some damage to it. And I don’t mean roughing it up. I wanted to take a razor and slice it open, hoping that the part that is swollen would have some release and would ooze out. But I know medically it is probably deeper than superficial and I would have to cut deep and probably would end up really hurting my tendon that way. But the thought of doing it calms me down. I can imagine what it might feel like and feel the blood dripping, if at all. Since I have decreased sensation I wonder if I will really feel any of these things or if I don’t, I will feel it later when the nerve messages reaches my brain like when I stub my foot. It can take over an hour for it to hit me. And then I am like WTF is that. Then I remember I hit my foot. Doesn’t make any sense I know but that is what I have to live with.

Totally random thoughts: I had a craving today for chips and salsa with guacamole. It was pretty good but now I am thinking how to keep the guac from turning brown. I am glad I have google to help me with this.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

May is National Mental Health Month by Presidential Proclamation. I know I should feel happy that steps are being made to make mental health issues more aware to people but at the same time, I can help but feel resentful that I cannot find a therapist within a five mile radius of my house because of the severity of my illness. When my therapist and I knew that I couldn’t see her anymore because distance was a factor, I tried finding another therapist. I didn’t try once or twice. I tried ten fricken times. The last therapist that I saw locally was at a mental health clinic I used to go to as a teen but he was too scared of me. He was too afraid I might kill myself so that made it difficult for me to trust him. How could I work with some one that was scared of me? I am sure my current therapist gets scared when I tell her I am suicidal. Her anxiety goes up because she like to talk stupid things. I get that me being suicidal is not easy for mental health clinicians. It’s a clinician’s worse nightmare to hear that their client is suicidal or thinking about ending their life. But I know there are going to be a lot of people who have had past attempted suicides that are going to be in the same boat I am. No one wants to deal with this population. It is a crying shame. And no wonder Suicide is a leading killer of the United States.

In addition to me having mental health issues, I also have physical issues that prevent me from walking long distances. It makes me crazy that I have this problem and my mental health team does so much to help me deal with it. I was once working two jobs, but that proved to be too much for me and now I am collecting social security benefits and wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a job again. I don’t know. I really want to go back to school but I cannot afford it financially. I have defaulted on my student loans so there is no hope of me ever going back to school on my income. I know it is my fault and it pains me so severely that I want to kill myself because I know I have wrecked whatever credit I ever had. It physically and emotionally hurts knowing that my credit is fucked. I can never own another credit card for as a long as I live and I cannot begin to think of what lies ahead. I always hear that some jobs require a credit history check. If that is the case for me, I know I will not be able to get back to work.
I hate the idea of not being able to support myself. I know that I have made mistakes in my life and if I could do it over again, I would not make the same one. I would be further along in my degree and I would be on my way of being the kind of therapist I want to be. I know that there will always be risks with working with suicidal clients. I know because I am one of them. But mental health awareness campaigns do help screen for depression. But it doesn’t help those that want to kill themselves. Very rarely do you see the question on questionnaires, do you or have you thought of killing yourself in the past week.

So I wonder now that May is mental health awareness month, will I be able to find a therapist within a five mile radius from my house?

accidents and other musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

I kind of feel lousy today. My stomach is not doing well and I had to take a cab home to hurry to the bathroom. I hate it when my stomach gets upset but the alternative of having an accident outside the home is more humiliating than having it in the home.

Funny how many will think of the word “accident” as a car or some kind of vehicle accident than a bowel or bladder incident. I had a few while I was working and it was not fun. I often had to go home afterwards to clean myself up. When asked why I said I had an accident and they immediately thought that I had a car accident. They didn’t realize that I had regressed to that of a two year old. How indignant is it that a grown person has a leaky bladder and when the stools are loose, an accident. I can’t help it. I have lost function of my bowel and bladder so when I get a signal from either I have to make it to the bathroom or I lose my underwear and have to take a shower. But no matter how many showers you take you don’t feel clean. It just makes you feel like a dirty person and it messes with your mind.

I am having an okay day otherwise. My foot (knock on wood) has been ok so far. I am sure it will act up in a few hours when I am trying to watch the game. Stephen Drew is back in the line up tonight. Can’t wait to see his début. Hopefully it will be good and he plays solid defense. Everyone has been commenting on how the Sox have no errors so far. I hope they don’t jinx the team because they are commenting on it. I will be upset.

I still have not talked to the group leader about me leaving the group therapy that I started over a month ago. I think it is best that I move on from that group. It is too triggering and I feel bad afterwards. I just don’t think the group is for me anymore, though the down side is not going by Fenway Park every week. Only reason why I have not done so is because I know he will want me to say goodbye to the group and I am just not ready to do that or think that it’s appropriate. Can’t tell a bunch of people I have to leave because I am getting nothing out of this group and need to move on, especially when some of the members are so close to the edge themselves.

Think I am going to watch Lincoln now…