Tag: mental illness

fighting side effects

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Cancelled my father’s doctor’s appointment today because I didn’t feel good and you would have thought I killed someone. My father was an irate bastard who didn’t give a damn that I was sick. He just felt like a “salami”. Thanks for the care dad!

I slept most of the day. I woke up really early this morning with bowel pain. That pretty much told me to stay near a bathroom. I wasn’t going to risk crapping my pants for an appointment that I didn’t want no part of anyway.

Then I got the depression sleeping sickness. That is what I call when all you want to do is sleep and stay in bed. So that is what I did all day for the rest of the day. I would be up for a few hours and then I would have to lie down because I would get so sleepy. Much like I am feeling now. I talked about it with my therapist tonight. She thinks I am just exhausted and need rest. Some help she is. I also have been having side effects from the abilify for the past three days. I didn’t take it tonight. I have been popping Ativan like it were candy. I hate feeling like a rubber ball. The only way I feel normal is if I am lying down. I might have to lower the dose of the abilify if I can’t keep this from happening.

I really need to take a shower but I think I will wait until tomorrow to take one. I just am spent. Fighting these side effects has been awful.

Still struggling big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling big time. I had three things to do today: go to the post office, brush my teeth, and shower. I got two of the three things done. I still haven’t showered. I got a big headache and am waiting for it to settle down. I just want to stay in bed and lie down.

I was hoping for a session with my therapist today but it doesn’t look promising. I have been sending her texts today about how my day has been. I was sad to find out that a psychologist died today. My therapist introduced me to him and I bought his book. I can’t remember what the book was about now. Maybe it was a chapter as I can’t seem to find the book on Amazon. It was more than a few years ago and my memory can’t seem to hold on to stuff like it used to.

I took my morning meds this morning. I was able to take the mood stabilizer and Cymbalta. My aunt canceled our lunch date. It was good that she did as my back has been aching all day. It just rained a little while ago so I know that is the reason. My back always knows when precipitation is coming.

I am glad I was able to take my meds. Maybe I can be on a roll as I have been taking them every day for the past three days. Today was the first day that I wasn’t completely knocked out. But I do feel drowsy. I haven’t had any coffee today so maybe that is what I need when I take my meds. I just feel so sleepy. I know part of it is the depression. I have lost my appetite. Yesterday all I had was a bagel for the entire day. And today I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I don’t even have food cravings.

I don’t know why I am so tired. But I don’t sleep. I just lie there. And my brain is toast. I don’t even think of things, except to take a shower. Maybe I should and it will wake me up. But then I think of the hassle of getting undressed and washing up that I just don’t want to do it. Everything is a hassle in self care. Brushing your teeth, showering, washing up, just the whole of it is too much for me right now. It’s much easier to stay the way I am. If I did have to go out, maybe that would force me to shower. But I don’t have to go anywhere, so why bother.

I finally got a sale on my book today. I was thrilled for a whole five minutes. Then I was back to my grumpy self. I still have to work on my paper that I have been procrastinating on. It will give me something to do and I just don’t want to do it. I hate struggling like this. But at least I wrote it out on paper. Half the work is done.

I have been reading more on Joiner’s theory of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. I am reading his book on “Myths of Suicide”. I can understand where he is coming from but I still don’t believe whole heartedly with his theory. I still believe there has to be an element of psychological pain for suicide to happen. I will talk about this more in my paper.

Well, I have exhausted myself. Seems I can’t so anything for long without getting extremely tired, including writing this blog.

just snap out of it

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today is not a good day for me. It was another early morning shuffle and I had an appointment with my pdoc. I really didn’t want to go because I felt like she wasn’t going to change anything. But she surprised me. She told me to go on Cymbalta for a few weeks to see if that helps to push me out of this depression that I am in. So I took the Cymbalta today. I can take it at anytime as it doesn’t make me drowsy like the mood stabilizer. I still am going to try to take the 600 mg of trileptal tomorrow. I need to get out of this miserable rut that I am in. Even my mother noticed that I am depressed. I know I can’t be happy. I just want to feel contentment for a little while and to be able to do things without things feeling so heavy and burdensome.

I tried writing my theories paper today, actually, right before I started this blog. FAIL. I was making so many spelling mistakes and was getting frustrated because I couldn’t follow along with what I wrote. I just said fuck it and will try tomorrow or when I am a little bit more clearheaded.

I changed my Facebook picture to a sad, crying face. Some people liked it. But then I got a comment tonight saying that I should snap out of my depression and should cheer up. That pissed me off. Especially as this month is Mental Health Awareness Month. I don’t know why they call it mental health awareness when they really are just screening for depression and other psychiatric disorders. I think it should be called Mental Illness awareness so people don’t say stupid shit like “snap out of it”. If only it were that easy. So I posted as my status that “if this pic offends you, unfriend me”. I really wanted to put “if this pic offends you, unfriend me, I don’t need your negativity, stigmatism, and ignorance”. But I refrained on the last part.

Mood really sucks. I could go to sleep right now but it’s my niece’s prom tonight and I want to take pictures. It sucks that it is raining out. She wanted to take picture by a local boat house but that got spoiled. Poor kid.

I am hoping tomorrow I can just go to the post office and mail my friend’s book. That is the only thing I have on my agenda. And then I want to just stay in bed and sleep, if I can. I tried that the other day and failed miserably at it. I was able to lay down but sleep eluded me. All I want to do is stay under the covers. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am glad my pdoc didn’t recommend the hospital again. I probably would have said yes. I hope that the Cymbalta works, but I am doubtful. I just hopes while taking it over the next two weeks it doesn’t make me sick.

Mr. Hyde and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I have been thinking the past few days. Yes that has been the smoke that has been circulating in the air in Boston. Apparently on Tuesday in the throws of another pain episode I was barely aware of, I sent my therapist a text. It said that I cannot go on living like this, with this level of pain. I have no recollection of sending it. I knew I sent it because it is my phone but it sounded more of Mr. Hyde. I have been trying to wrap my head around Hyde. He likes to come around at various times and sometimes I can “catch him” and other time he alludes me. But I am cracking down on when he is likely to occur. When I am deeply hopeless, suicidal, and in severe physical pain. All three must be present for Hyde to emerge. The sucky part about this is my safety because Hyde want to die. I wasn’t in danger of dying, as far as I know, Tuesday but I could have. I just wanted to sleep, and fairly succeeded on doing that. I also have to be in a sleep state to bring Hyde out. He is more likely to show himself while I am overtired. Like I am now.

I just had zaps go through my foot. Just imagine the shock you get when you place your tongue on a 9 volt battery, minus the metallic taste and you have the zaps I get in my feet. Sometimes they are stronger than a 9 volt. And they jolt me awake, like tonight. I was ready to turn in but my PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance and anxiety) have taken over. It is going to take another Ativan to calm down. Hyde doesn’t like Ativan too much. It makes me really sleepy so I do sleep. It doesn’t cause me to do other weird stuff like Neurontin does. I know that I am not having another attack of CES and that things will be ok but in my head, I am “excited” and fearful of when the next zap is going to come. Usually if I stretch out my legs, it makes it worse. So I have to sit with my legs up so they don’t get zapped. And there is nothing I can take for it. The zaps come and go as they please. They don’t last long enough for me to take anything, but boy do they cause havoc!!

I am listening to Luke Bryan. He has some really good songs that I love listening to over and over again. He has that southern voice that I just love. It can be a fast song or a slow one and I just swoon over his voice. It’s not relaxing like Mary Chapin, but it will do.

I really need to go to bed soon. It’s after midnight and I need to be up at six. I need to take a shower and get ready to take my sister’s car. I will need a large coffee to help my mood. The good thing is that I don’t need to rush because I don’t have to pick up my father till 830. I then have to take him for a blood draw for his Coumadin test. He doesn’t know it yet but he will.

Well, I think the zaps have settled down some. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or tomorrow is going to suck…