Tag: mental illness

Sucky day

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Not having a good day. My pdoc’s schedule was all messed up so she was almost 30 mins late to see me. I felt like leaving but I stayed anyways. I asked her multiple times if I was a waste of her time. She said I was projecting. A nice psych term. It basically means I am putting my feelings (being a waste of time) on to someone else. She wants me to consider going in the hospital but there is no way I can. I have to take my father to his numerous doctors appointments this month. Next week is a double header so there is no way for me to go in. Plus all they will do is babysit me. I refuse to go to groups because they are useless. I never get anything out of it and the group leader (who runs most of the groups) is an idiot. We constantly butt heads. She is very condescending and I don’t like her.

I texted my therapist about this. She also wants me in the hospital. But then she knows that I am feeling really bad if I want to stop therapy. I also told her that my pdoc increased my mood stabilizer so hopefully that will help. If I remember to take it. I won’t be able to take it while I am driving my father around the world. It makes me sleepy sometimes.

I also put in a call to my repro endo doc because my fucking menses showed up last night. I am so mad. With all the technology that this world has, why is it so difficult to stop a menstrual cycle?? At this point, I am seriously thinking of a hysterectomy because what the hell do I need it for anyways? I am not going to have kids this late in my life, not like I was waiting to have them anyways. I never wanted to have children because I don’t want to pass on my depressive genes.
Saw my PCP and it was determined that I have a yeast infection under my arm. FUCKING great!! Now I really have to shower every day. I was really hoping it was just a dermatitis thing and would go away with some cortisone cream. Nope. UGH. Today is not my day.

My mood still sucks. I just want to die. Told my pdoc today that I just don’t have the energy to kill myself. I don’t have the energy to do anything. I just want to hibernate, which, if I go in the hospital, that is all I will do anyways. They don’t force you to go to group. I will just isolate and be by myself. And it’s not like they will start me on an antidepressant. My pdoc would if there was one out there for me. I hope increasing my mood stabilizer works.

I am supposed to pick up my niece tonight. I really don’t want to. I want to keep my foot up because it is hurting but I told my sister I would. I am just so tired. I had two doc appointments today. Then was standing in line forever at Walgreens, in my AFO. I hate standing too long because there is no cushion, just plastic so my foot hurts. I won’t wear it again when I pick up my niece. It’s already swollen so I probably will make things worse trying to force my foot in boot.

Did I mention my mood sucks? My pdoc thinks it is because I got my menses. I have to deal with them for a week. I am not happy about this but it’s the only course of action. I have to stop the pill for a week and then restart it. Might as well do that today and then the following Sunday, restart it. So not happy about this. Another reason why I need to shower every day. I have to tonight because I just feel gross, even though I took one yesterday. I need to buy some nice smelling shampoo to motivate me to take a shower. I think that might help. I really hope I don’t get cramps. I usually don’t, haven’t in a while but I still have knots in my stomach because of constipation. I still haven’t found a regimen that regulates me everyday. It sucks. And soon as I find something that works, I forget to do it every day. I am my own worse enemy. I know that if I were to go in the hospital, my meds would be given to me and I wouldn’t have to dish them out every night. That would be the only benefit of going on the hospital. I also wouldn’t have to worry about what to eat. Meals would be given. I wouldn’t have to cook some thing for myself. The food is not that bad.

I have been thinking about writing another paper. I was talking with my therapist yesterday about it and I wish I was writing down what I was saying. Now I forgot. It will be about different suicide theories. That is all I will say for now.

Abyss of Darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Took yesterday off from blogging because I didn’t know what to write. Things have been so difficult lately that writing this blog has been rough. What has been my outlet is now a fullstop. I don’t even know if that last sentence makes sense. I just am very depressed.

It’s hard being depressed and not being able to express it like I have in the past. It’s killing me skipping days but my doc doesn’t want to put added pressure on me with this blog. I can’t even write in my journal. But I know that if I stop writing, things will get worse. I am always on the verge of suicide and not writing might just push me. So even though my pdoc wants me to cut down on my blogs, I just can’t. I might not write everyday like I used to, so don’t be shocked that the blogs are not consecutive like they once were. I know I have daily readers so I apologize but I got to take care of me in some way. If I feel like writing, I will and if I don’t, I just won’t. Hopefully there won’t be too many won’ts.

I visited my therapist today. There was no traffic, at all, so I got there two hours early. I shopped at the Whole Food Market but didn’t buy anything. What I wanted, they didn’t have. Or what they did have was too expensive. I really wanted carobs as I haven’t had them in years but all they had were carob chips and that wasn’t what I was looking for. I was really bummed. I then went to Starbucks and tried to write. Nothing worthwhile came to me.

My therapist finally got her signed copy of my book. She is overjoyed. We talked about the book some as I told her I was thinking of pulling the plug. At first she didn’t know what I was talking about, but then I explained that I was taking it off the market, and she freaked out. Well, not really, but she gave me the let’s talk about this glare. And I so didn’t want to talk about it. She still thinks that there is some merit in my book, just like this blog helps people. But I told her I just feel like I exposed myself too much and this is getting dicey. I still feel nervous while talking about the book, in detail, even while I was with her. The session just felt like it was going on forever. I know the book needs to go into the hands of suicide people and I don’t mean those that have attempted. Maybe clinicians. But I am not rich and can’t be shipping my book to all the psychologists in my area or around the US. It might just end up in the recycle bin. I am sending it to the AAS for review so I am hoping I get a good review and maybe it will sell a little better. If not, at least I have the AAS backing on my book which will mean more than anything. I am looking for validation and it’s killing me that I am not getting it. I guess that is why I am so depressed. My needs are frustrated. I still need to send my book to the consultant. But I am out of mailers. I will have to go to the post office tomorrow and do that.

We also talked about why I don’t want to “talk” in therapy. I told her I felt like I am wasting her time. I still feel like she could make better use of her time if she saw someone else. I guess I feel like I don’t deserve to be in treatment. It’s the same thing with my pdoc. I don’t know why she makes time for me. It’s not like things are going to change in a week and I am going to magically feel better. I am hopeless. I don’t think things are going to change. I am stuck in the abyss of darkness. Sure, things have gone a little better this week. I did get some validation on my book. And I know the word needs to be out there but am I the person to do it?

My therapist still thinks that it is quite an accomplishment to write a book and publish it. But I just feel bad because, like my blogs, they don’t have any messages other than my life sucks. I don’t leave any hopefulness in here nor the book. Call me the harshest critic, but the book is depressing. But then, when can you call a suicide attempt a happy event? You don’t. And not too many people know the extent of just how suicidal I have been over the years. My one regret is that I didn’t put the website for the CES support group in the book on the reference page. It completely slipped my mind, until now. It would seem silly to redo the whole process just to put in a website. I don’t think I can bear it again. Three or four times was enough.

still struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling with the depression. I feel like it is strangling me at this point. I still don’t want to go to therapy but my therapist is persistent and talked me into a session tomorrow, our normal time. I had cancelled it but, of course, she kept it open. I just feel like I can’t get a grip on this thing. I just want to do nothing.

I really wanted a cup of coffee today but there was no cream at my sister’s. I was bummed. I could have went to the store to buy it but found reasons not to. I had to take a shower today as I didn’t take one in almost a week. I did, then tripped over the towel I was using and tweaked my back. I have been hurting ever since. Now I really don’t want to do anything. My mother has been bugging me to get eggs. I will tomorrow, or try to. Depends on how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I can get my starbucks coffee and be a little happy about something.

I have been listening to music to try and help my mood. So far the playlist is on all my songs so it has been helpful because there have been songs I haven’t heard in a while. Some of the songs have meaning, others are just upbeat enough to take me out of the misery for a little bit. I keep trying to fight the depression but it’s tough. Seems like whatever I try to do, it backfires on me and I end up feeling 10 times worse.

I got rudely woken up this morning by my doctor’s office. Because I have a UTI, they were calling to see if I improved. I was so mad because I was in such a sound sleep. I didn’t return the call but the nurse was persistent. She called me again. I told her I was fine. Still having spasms but they are less. Hope this course of antibiotics works. I see my PCP Friday so we’ll see. Thank god the leaking has stopped. I was getting worried there for awhile.

I also see my psychiatrist again on Friday. I don’t know why I need to see her again. It’s not like she can do anything for me. She just wants me to ride out this depression and I can’t stand it. I am very frustrated that there is nothing to do when I get like this. The suicidality has subsided a little bit but I still feel like there is a black cloud following me. I just feel so hopeless and why bother with treatment. It just sucks. I really hate feeling like a piece of shit all the time. I wish there was a medication that worked for me.

hopeless about writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, writing

I met with my psychiatrist today. I told her everything that I have been feeling the past two weeks. She wants me to take off writing for a bit and see how I feel. I don’t know if I can go that long without writing a blog. But if you don’t see one from me every day, know that is why. That I am recharging my batteries so to speak.

I had a dreadful day. My ankle acted up on me and my urine culture test came back positive. I have a urine infection. YAY. I get to take antibiotics for the next seven days. I think it’s good too because I am starting to get the chills and that isn’t good. I would get the antibiotics now but I don’t feel like it. I have to take it twice a day anyways so if I start tomorrow, it’s not going to be that big a deal. I have my cranberry juice to keep me hydrated.

I tweeted about my book today, like I have been doing the past two weeks. I have become addicted to twitter again. It’s much more interesting than Facebook. I am following a bunch of therapists and doctors and it is really interesting to read their tweets. I miss being in the medical field.

I told my psychiatrist I don’t know why I should take my medication other than potentially getting worse. Some how this raised a red flag for her so I get to see her next week instead of two weeks. Great. I don’t feel like seeing these people and they want to see me. I am very hopeless. Why can’t they see that? I just don’t get it.

I also think that people haven’t been buying my book because it is too depressing. It’s hard to write hopeful stuff when you don’t feel it. I got as much from my psych today. It’s making me want to give up trying to sell more books. I added the link to my popular blog but have not gotten any clicks on the page. I guess people just want to read the chapter and not the book. Yesterday I got 25 hits, today 20, so far. I am sure I am over 2,000 hits total for this blog entry. I wrote a lot about stuff, personal stuff. Maybe I was too personal. I am having a hard time with this. Not that I wanted to be a millionaire with this book. I knew that wasn’t going to happen. But I just wanted to sell 100 copies and that isn’t going to happen I guess. It is kicking me really low. I just feel like a failure. But maybe when my second book comes out, I won’t feel that way. I am trying to work on it but it is so difficult with this depression that I have. I can’t do anything. Everything hurts. Even holding a pen is heavy to the task of writing. I use the same pen I always use and for some reason, lately it just feels so heavy. That is why my psych thinks I need a break from writing.

I don’t know what to do but to write a little every day. Not writing is going to be weird. Maybe I will take the weekend off and see how that goes. Guess this will be the first Saturday Blog that I will be missing.