Tag: mood disorders

Venting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Venting

I vented to FB about a blogger that was bugging me. I had to get it off my chest because it really was bothering me. I got no responses to the vent but I wasn’t looking for one.

As mentioned previously, I am reading the book “The Outsiders”. I am remembering the movie as I am reading it, even though it has been more than 20 years since I saw the movie and read the book last. I am at the part where Johnny will soon kill someone and I am hesitant to read it. It’s not a pleasant scene.

It’s official, I have a cold of some sort though I don’t feel really sick from it. I just have a miserable nose and the congestion is causing my upper teeth to hurt really bad. I have been using Afrin to unclog my nostrils but the effect is temporary at best. Then I start sneezing and I am wondering how much of the stuff I am sneezing out. All discharge is clear so I don’t have an infection. I am still taking D and drinking tea with honey. I am finally hydrated as my pee is a normal clear yellow rather than a dark orange color. I hate being sick. My lips are cracked so bad that I can’t put any moisturizers on it because it hurts and I have a bloody lip. I am really terrified that a sneeze is going to knock my back out. That is not going to be good when I get the MRI next week.

I had to refill a few prescriptions and this time it’s costing me money. I guess my free copay expired at the beginning of the year. I got to find out why one of my generic medicines is fricken $20 and the other is less than ten. I hope it’s an error. I knew I would have to pay so I have been careful with my money since my birthday. I also have my mother’s birthday coming up so I plan on getting her a sub. She loves getting an Italian sub from one of her childhood hangouts. It’s the best that I can do for her as I need to watch what I spend before the end of the month.

I feel really nervous about talking with my therapist tomorrow. Normally, I am hoping for another week off but this time, I am looking forward to our time. I need to find out about something she wrote in my birthday card to me. It’s bugging me really bad and I hope it’s not true to the extent that I think it is. I don’t plan on seeing her until the end of the month when I get paid again.

I made my phone calls today. I was on hold for a good many minutes as I knew I would be. I also reserved the Zipcar so I would have it. I have to check and make sure I have the right garage/place so I can take it. I think it is, but it’s hard to know when I don’t know the name of the garage. I requested just three hours because it shouldn’t take that long and it gives me time to get gas should I need it. Sometimes the person before me doesn’t fill up and it drives me crazy. I hate leaving a vehicle with less than a half tank of gas.

I knew I was going to be up late. I hope to be sleeping by midnight. I need to have rest but with all the tea I drank, I have to use the bathroom. Plus I drank caffeinated tea so I am kind of wired from that. I just took some pain meds because my thigh is acting up. The temp dropped another ten degrees so I am hurting. I knew I was going to be anyway from all the walking but I wasn’t expecting the temp to be in the teens. I am glad I had my mother turn up the heat as it’s nice and warm in my room. I don’t have to be putting on layers of clothes to stay warm, which doesn’t help when you have a stupid cold.

I filled my pill box. I am thinking one of these days I should rearrange where the pill bottles are so it’s easier for me to go through them. I have them spaced out all over my bureau. I should just have them in a box so I know that is what I need. Job gets done but I feel like I am playing don’t knock down dominoes because I have so many pill bottles. I honestly don’t know how I got to be on so many meds. It’s crazy that I take so many pills. I know most people with chronic conditions like me do take a lot of pills, maybe even more than I do. It just sucks because I remember the days when I was just taking two or three pills a day and now I am on four times that amount. And I take meds twice a day now where before I just took them once. I know I have to be on them if I want to survive but sometimes I wonder if it is necessary. Like being on two BP meds. Maybe a higher dose of one med would be sufficient to keep my blood pressure in check. I know losing weight will be the easier answer but I don’t see that happening. The meds I take make me hungry. I eat late at night because for some reason, after I take my meds, I feel like I am starving. And I can’t sleep on an empty stomach. If I do, I usually dream about food and wake up hungrier than I did before I went to sleep. Then the docs wonder why I can’t lose weight. They think it’s easy to control your eating but when you have meds that make you hungry, it’s kind of a losing battle.

A story is percolating around my brain. I am hoping it comes out soon. I think I am ready to write about my childhood fantasy as my mental illness short story piece. I just hope that when I do, I don’t fall back into the delusional thinking and lose track of where I am and what year I am in. I want to discuss this with my therapist first as I will need her support around this or I will become dangerously psychotic.

I never showered today. I got too congested and didn’t feel like it. I seriously need to shave and that is part of what is holding me back. It just takes so much time and it is exhausting. Then you need to shower to rinse off the hair and stuff. It always takes so much out of me when I do it. It also sucks when you are sick because you just want to get in and out. But I have neglected shaving for some time now and it’s causing me to itch and I hate it.

A Flurry of a Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Flurry of a Day

My middle sister called me at 0630 to do her a favor. I was to take my niece somewhere as she was not feeling good. I had about three hours of sleep. We had to be at the place by 0800 so needed to leave soon. She gave us money for a cab and off we went, only to find an hour later we didn’t have to be there at all. I was annoyed and so was my niece. My niece went off to school and I figure I would go to Harvard to get my beanie hat and did. It was fricken so cold this morning and it didn’t warm up. When I got to the bus station to head home, there were snow flurries flying around. I decided then, my day is done and I am going to stay home.

I still need to make a few phone calls today but I think after the lunch time hours, I will just make one. It will be to my father’s doctor to make an appointment for him so his medications aren’t being held hostage.

While making a cup of tea just now, I noticed a different tea bag in the box. Bigelow left a trial bag of American Breakfast Tea. I tried it rather than my regular English Breakfast. It is about the same with a little more flavor than the English tea. It is also a little stronger, but I might have steeped it a little longer than I usually do. I like it, but then I am a fan of black teas anyways.

Not sure if I mentioned it in a previous blog, but I entered a reading challenge through a book website. My goal is to read 20 books this year. One of the books that I marked as read counted toward my goal. The other did not. I might have to figure out why or just let it be. I just realized that I don’t really have 20 books that I can read. I will have to buy some more I guess. I still have the Dostoevsky collection. I think there are at least 10 books in there. It will be a pleasure to read them all. Dostoevsky is not an easy read like S.E. Hinton. But we’ll see how far I get. I got at least four books on my to do list before I can read the Brothers Karamazov. That is going to be the most challenging to read.

Man, my pizza place is losing my business because I keep putting off getting pizza or a sub from them. I am actually craving their pizza or a nice steak and cheese sub from them. Their steak and cheese calzone is pretty good, too. I was good though, I had the left over pizza my mother made last night. She would have killed me if I bought pizza instead of eating hers.

I have gone back to listening to Eric Church. I just love this album so much that even though I was mixing it up with other artists, I just wanted Church’s songs. I think this is the longest I have gone listening to one piece of music for so long. I feel like I am neglecting the other music that I bought as I really haven’t listened to it. But these songs by Church just speak to me more than any other artist does.

My mood has been relatively good today despite being woken up before dawn. I didn’t get to do what I wanted to today. I haven’t showered but I did brush my teeth. I was going to take a shower when I came home but the house was too cold. And I wanted to warm up some. I might take a shower before bed. I also need to fill my pill box. Because I was out and about so early, I had to skip my morning BP meds.

I didn’t leave the house with my cane, which now turned out to be a big mistake. My thigh pain has returned. I did a lot of walking this morning and my thigh just didn’t like it. My ankle hasn’t flared up yet but I know it will later tonight. I really am not going to do much else today except read and maybe write in my journal. Or maybe even blog this evening. These activities should keep me off my feet!

Dead Poet’s Society

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dead Poet’s Society

I watched Dead Poet’s Society for the first time. I cried at the end. It was the second movie with Robin Williams that I have seen since his death. I thought there would be a hanging not a shooting death but I knew there was a suicide in it. The aftermath can be so scary. I miss Robin Williams very much. I have loved every character that he played. It’s so hard watching him perform knowing that he is dead.

My mother made pizza for supper. She also wanted me to do a “few chores” before we ate. I was too busy watching the movie and unlike my TiVo, I couldn’t pause it. It was very frustrating. So I snuck a few slices in between the low points of the movie. That tided me over until the end. I had to keep my face hidden because I couldn’t allow my mother to see that I had been crying. She would have thought something more was going on. Then when I was trying to remember to find my glasses, I had a smile on my face so she said something about that. There is no in between with her. It drives me crazy. You just have to be miserable like her, I guess.

I wanted to read a chapter or two of the Outsiders but I am feeling low and not really in a reading mood. I don’t know why, but every time I watch a television show or movie I feel tired afterwards. I am sure crying didn’t help. That always exhausts me.

I partially watched a pitiful football game. The Patriots were supposed to be playing but I don’t know who showed up in their uniforms. They were just awful. I thought they were going to comeback in the final quarter but no one showed up. It was just terrible.

My thigh pain has returned. I was limping most of the day. Sitting watching the movie didn’t help it. I haven’t taken anything for it, yet. I am afraid that if I do, I will fall asleep. I really don’t want to wake up again around 0330. That’s an awful time to wake up. I know that is probably why I am so tired, because I didn’t sleep well. I am thinking of going out tomorrow but I have a lot of phone calls to make. I got to find out if I am still enrolled in my insurance as I didn’t receive a confirmation of benefits like I usually do. I’m kind of anxious to make the call because I hate making calls. I am always afraid I am going to be rejected or be spoken to in a mean manner. I think I still have benefits because I think I would have received paperwork for COBRA if it lapsed. I just don’t know if my premium went up or not.

I made no effort today to clear my bed off. Between the movie and football game, I really haven’t spent that much time in my room today. I still need to fill my pill box for the week. I really don’t want to go through every pill bottle every night like I did last week. Even then I was just taking what I felt like taking.

Sunday Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog

My day had started at 0330. I woke up thinking about weird things and then having a conversation with them with the voices. I was up for a half hour before my ankle decided it was going to flare up on me. I took some meds and wrote to a friend as I didn’t wish her a happy new year yet. She is a dear friend who also has the same condition as me. We have been friends for at least 11 years now. Strange how that works. She is worried about my upcoming MRI and what will it show, too. I haven’t had anymore thigh pain the last few days. So maybe the herniated disc went back in place and healed on its own. The doc said it could do that. That will be a load off my shoulders if that is the case. It’s one week till I have the test.

I made breakfast. My mother made some bacon and I made some scrambled egg. I was going to have a burrito but I don’t know what I was thinking, I made toast. No burrito today. I am definitely going to have a burger for lunch with mashed potatoes and gravy. I think I will kind of make like a Salisbury steak. The burger tastes like it as it has onions and stuff in it. It’s made my by Ball Park. I love their hotdogs and now I love their burgers.

I didn’t make coffee today. I am still sort of sick so I made a cup of tea, black caffeinated. I will need at least three cups to equal one cup of coffee but it’s something to keep me away. I hope I don’t nap again. I keep thinking today is Monday. The holiday on Friday just messed me up. I have to shower sometime today. That is one of my goals for the day. I also need to start taking stuff off my bed so I can change the sheets. I also need to fix the bibliography that I have for the folder that I have of research articles on suicide. I have 4 more to add. I haven’t decided if I am going to just tack them on or rearrange the whole folder. Might be easier just to tack them on than rearrange everything. Damn. I just thought that I should have bought another magazine holder for my journals while I was in Harvard yesterday. I need another one for this year’s journals. I don’t know where I would but them but at least they would all be together. I also have to think about whether or not to be a member for AAS for another year. Only reason I am a member is to get the journal articles so I can keep abreast of the latest research.

For the first time in a year, my book sales for the month of December were zero for both paperback and kindle. I have stopped promoting the book on Twitter. It took some effort to come up with a sales pitch that would be contained in 140 characters. After a while, I just got bored with it. Some would like it but not buy it. With my depression being so bad during December, I just couldn’t put forth the effort. I’ll try again sometime this year when I am up to it. Self-promoting is very difficult.