Tag: psych hospital

still paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, psychosis

Past few days I have been dealing with extreme paranoia. Today I wanted to baracade myself in my room because I just didn’t want to deal with anyone. I just felt like everyone is going to kill me or harm me in some way. The weekend doctor on call (DOC) increased one of my medicines and now I am feeling wonky. I just woke up from a nap just before dinner and I am afraid that if I take another nap, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have a male nurse tonight for a contact person. I don’t know if that is good or bad. He didn’t really check in with me last night. I wasn’t expecting him to. I might talk to him later if I need to.

My Pats are winning so that is good. My Sox lost last night and I couldn’t watch the game after the starting pitcher on my team walked a good hitter. I was really frustrated that no bats were flying. Same might happen tonight as Detroit has another good pitcher on the mound tonight. I don’t think I will be staying up late to watch the game. I am too paranoid and keep looking over my shoulder. It is not good to be around other people today. I have my blue tooth headset playing my music and that is calming me down. I hope this paranoia goes away, and soon. It is an awful feeling.

The weird part of all of this is that my ankle pain has been minimal. I am hardly in any pain. Very weird…

paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

woke up this morning feeling paranoid. I don’t know why. I am still in the hospital but not meds seem to be helping at all.

I have been writing, on paper, a longer blog on my thoughts but seeing as the computer was available to me today, I thought I would post. I got a comment today about one of my popular posts that I am “boring”. Sorry, but this is what my life is like. I don’t have an extravagant lifestyle. I struggle with mental illness constantly and if that is boring to you, well then got off my site. Sorry if that seems a little harsh, and I know my writing hasn’t been consistent the last few weeks but I just can’t handle negative comments right now. I just feel out of place enough as it is.

I have been sketching, something I hardly ever do, of the deathly hallows of the Harry Potter series. I have been drawing the mark of the brothers, the elder wand, sorcerer’s stone, and invisibility cloak. I find that it helps to calm me down when I am in an agitated state because it takes some time to draw. I drew several the other night, making them bigger each time but my spatial abilities aren’t that great so it didn’t come out perfect. when I get home I will include the pic in the post. I should have taken a Harry Potter book with me as it probably would be better than Noonday Demon. That book is striking chords with me about my depression and it’s kind of unnerving.

I don’t think I will have any visitors this weekend. It is a long weekend because of Columbus Day. It is celebrated in my state as a state holiday. I don’t know if my therapist will be in the office or not, but i hope she answers my text about possibly meeting on Thursday. I should hopefully be out of the hospital on Wednesday. Least I am hoping to be. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. I need to be out by Friday because I want to meet with my pdoc. It will take a long while to get another appointment with her if I miss this one.

Right now things have been tough because the voices are telling me that no one believes me and that I should just go out of the hospital to self harm because they will believe me then. I keep fighting the urge while i am in the hospital. You would think that it should be easy as you don’t have access to your stuff but because you don’t, every thing becomes something sharp to hurt yourself. I am trying not to think about it too much but the voices are really nagging me. Meds don’t seem to be helping. I just feel like i have to deal with my stuff alone as the staff doesn’t know what to do with me and my agitation. They keep trying to tell me to using “grounding” techniques, which is good if I am having flashbacks but not when I am psychotic!!! I just feel like no one gets me or understands on this unit. It’s turning out to be a bad experience. I rather be on the other more restrictive unit, even though I won’t have internet access. Least then it is cut and dry. I just am not clicking with anyone on the unit, staff included. I just have to distance myself because I don’t want to get close. I really am struggling and when you have an internal battle going on, it is difficult to get help and click with someone. Plus, being paranoid prevents human connection. I am extremely suspicious of others. I just don’t trust anyone, not even my doctors. I have been having trouble eating while i am here. Nothing tastes good. I don’t have an appetite. I just have been eating little stuff, mostly stuff that I know haven’t been tampered with, like bowls of cereal or graham crackers. Dealing with this level of psychosis for this length of time is really exhausting. I thought of killing myself when I got out of here just so I don’t have to deal with it anymore. I just hate feeling like this.

My sisters texted me last night that one of my cousins is trying to get in touch with me. She wants to get together for lunch. This cousin is my Godfather’s wife. I haven’t seen her since earlier this year after his remembrance Mass. He died two years ago unexpectedly. I really like her and we get along great it is just that I don’t have a car and she lives south, way south of me. I have to take the commuter rail, which I don’t mind but it’s sort of expensive and I am short on funds right now. His birthday is next month. I miss him terribly. He was a good guy.

A Taylor post and an update

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

As some of you might know, I am a huge Taylor Swift fan. I got a tweet today that said her wing of the country hall of fame will be opening tomorrow. She donated 4 million dollars (USD) for this education center. I feel so proud of her. She is the only country artist to have done this. But I think she is also the only successful artist too.

I am still in the hospital. Been having a bad day. Voices have been bad today and I have the feeling of not being safe. I usually feel safe in the hospital. This is the first time that I don’t. It is a little unnerving. It’s nothing to do with the staff or the doctors. It just has to do with my fricken psychosis.

I am typing this on my phone so I apologize if there are typos.

My meds have been increased so I am hoping to get relief by Monday. But we’ll see. I don’t think I will be having visitors this long weekend. It’s Columbus Day, a holiday that my state recognizes.

I have been trying to deal with the voices on my own for so long it is difficult to ask the staff for help. Some of their suggestions are not helpful but it’s better than nothing I guess. I mostly have been listening to music and for the first time in 2 weeks the song sirens doesn’t bother me. I just wish the paranoia would go away. I can’t shake the feeling I am being watched all the time. I know the staff is watching but I just feel like someone is behind me all the time even if my back is close to a wall. It is weird. But it is what it is. I hate constantly looking over my shoulder.

I still have a huge blog that I am writing about my daily routine. I hope you will like it when I post it.

Interim post

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide attempt

I got to a unit that has internet access. It is difficult writing on my tablet, but not impossible. I feel really paranoid with being here. No med changes have been made yet, though I think they are increasing my meds tonight. I feel safe but I don’t it’s hard to explain. I have a semi ok doc. and it remains to be seen about my case worker.

I will be typing up a longer post when I get out. But for those that follow regularly, I wanted to write a little something.