Tag: psychological pain

just snap out of it

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today is not a good day for me. It was another early morning shuffle and I had an appointment with my pdoc. I really didn’t want to go because I felt like she wasn’t going to change anything. But she surprised me. She told me to go on Cymbalta for a few weeks to see if that helps to push me out of this depression that I am in. So I took the Cymbalta today. I can take it at anytime as it doesn’t make me drowsy like the mood stabilizer. I still am going to try to take the 600 mg of trileptal tomorrow. I need to get out of this miserable rut that I am in. Even my mother noticed that I am depressed. I know I can’t be happy. I just want to feel contentment for a little while and to be able to do things without things feeling so heavy and burdensome.

I tried writing my theories paper today, actually, right before I started this blog. FAIL. I was making so many spelling mistakes and was getting frustrated because I couldn’t follow along with what I wrote. I just said fuck it and will try tomorrow or when I am a little bit more clearheaded.

I changed my Facebook picture to a sad, crying face. Some people liked it. But then I got a comment tonight saying that I should snap out of my depression and should cheer up. That pissed me off. Especially as this month is Mental Health Awareness Month. I don’t know why they call it mental health awareness when they really are just screening for depression and other psychiatric disorders. I think it should be called Mental Illness awareness so people don’t say stupid shit like “snap out of it”. If only it were that easy. So I posted as my status that “if this pic offends you, unfriend me”. I really wanted to put “if this pic offends you, unfriend me, I don’t need your negativity, stigmatism, and ignorance”. But I refrained on the last part.

Mood really sucks. I could go to sleep right now but it’s my niece’s prom tonight and I want to take pictures. It sucks that it is raining out. She wanted to take picture by a local boat house but that got spoiled. Poor kid.

I am hoping tomorrow I can just go to the post office and mail my friend’s book. That is the only thing I have on my agenda. And then I want to just stay in bed and sleep, if I can. I tried that the other day and failed miserably at it. I was able to lay down but sleep eluded me. All I want to do is stay under the covers. I don’t want to do a damn thing. I am glad my pdoc didn’t recommend the hospital again. I probably would have said yes. I hope that the Cymbalta works, but I am doubtful. I just hopes while taking it over the next two weeks it doesn’t make me sick.

Swedish study

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I just read about a Swedish study that said that depression and psychiatric conditions are major factors to suicide. DUH. But what was startling me more was that of the 18 suicide deaths in their study, all were diagnosed within a 13 week period, were seen by a health care professional (HCP), and my biggest question was WHY the hell weren’t they treated with follow up?? Other factors were being male, unemployed, and unmarried. Geez, I fit those criteria. So why am I not dead by suicide?? I am perplexed. Granted it has been more than 13 weeks since I was diagnosed with depression. But I do have the other factors. I have a spine condition, chronic pain, and other psychiatric disorder (I also suffer from psychosis). Why am I still alive?? I just don’t understand it. Now wonder why I am chronically suicidal. It all makes sense to me now. I am suicidal because statistically, I should be dead. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I am not suicidal.

not a better day in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t write a blog yesterday. So I thought I would try and write two today. I was in a daze yesterday and it had nothing to do with drugs. I just was extremely tired so I slept all day. All I had to eat was some scrambled eggs that I made around three in the afternoon. Today I made the same thing. Seems I have moved away from making an egg sandwich to scrambled eggs.

Today I have been up since five. I have been trying to go back to sleep but have failed. I don’t have anything to do today except to pick up my sister’s car when it’s done at the mechanic’s shop. I supposed I will have to pick her up for work as well.

I had therapy today. I really just want to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another early day as I have an appointment with my father again. I have to take him for testing. All this month, I have to take him to one appointment or another. I am just exhausted.

The other night I wrote about theories on suicide because I couldn’t sleep. I still have to type it up. Maybe if I do, it can be my second blog for the day. But I am not sure it is done. I have to work on it some more. But the big thing is typing it out. I have it handwritten right now. Much good that will do me to blog about.

I still am trapped in the depression. I don’t know what I was doing yesterday, I think I was getting dressed, and my clothes just felt so heavy to pick up. This is getting ridiculous to have ordinary things that I have picked up a thousand times, all of sudden feel heavy. How can a T-shirt weigh so much?? A thousand, sure, but one?? I just don’t get it. And my brain hurts today to think. I got up early because my sister wanted me to be up but I got the hours mixed up. I was supposed to be at her house at 730 not 630. DOH. So I had to wait an hour for her to get ready and stuff. I got to see my little niece (she is 9 but she is still my baby). I haven’t seen her all week because I just been cooped away in my room. We usually watch one of her TV shows together. But lately I haven’t been in the mood to go down the stairs. It bothers my foot sometimes and I just need to rest it. Yesterday was the same thing. I checked the mail because I am waiting for something from my friend in Canada and by the time I made the two flights back to my room, my ankle exploded. I couldn’t deal with the rest of the day so I just took my pain meds and went to sleep. I didn’t take my night time meds last night. I woke up at midnight and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I just went back to sleep. I don’t know why my right hip is bothering me today. If I didn’t have to pick up my sister, I would be taking some pain meds to relieve it.

I still have my menses. It is making me feel gross and I think I am internalizing that feeling. Even after a shower, I still feel disgusting. Something I didn’t discuss in therapy today. I actually didn’t say much today. Having three sessions in a row wears you out. All I wanted to do was go back under the covers and sleep. Which I have yet to do. I have gone back under but sleep has been eluding me. It came so easy yesterday. I think the stress of having to deal with my father the day before just wiped me out. I have to deal with him again tomorrow. I have the afternoon free, I hope. Maybe I won’t go back to bed and I will go to Starbucks and write. I don’t know. All depends on my mood.

I still feel like black clouds are following me. I have no answers to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I haven’t been taking the increase in medication because I have been driving. I could have taken my dose today had my sister told me before now that she is being picked up by her husband and I don’t need to pick her up. Just wasted two hours waiting for the call for the car and I was waiting for nothing. But I can take my pain medication if I need to. I haven’t been going up and down the stairs today. I only been going down, if I absolutely need to. It’s helped to stay off my feet. I just hope that the pain stays away tonight. I would like a pain free night if I am going to be up early again tomorrow to take my sister to work.

Suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

It’s finally a nice day, at least seventy degrees out. It is making it warm in the house. I am watching the Sox game. I had spent the afternoon with my sisters for Mother’s day and then retreated back upstairs. I am still feeling really tired, even though I had a good sleep last night.

I had a rough night. I was in severe pain. It was not unbearable but it was more annoying me than anything because it was the third night in the row that I have had to deal with this pain. I texted my therapist because I was feeling really suicidal about it. I just didn’t want to deal with the pain at all but what choice did I have? I couldn’t chop my foot off as much as I would have liked or downed my pain medication like I was thinking about. I guess I am lucky that my pain medication has Tylenol in it because if it didn’t, I probably wouldn’t care. But I don’t want to lose my liver and die that way. Plus I probably would never be on any pain medication ever again if I did OD on my meds. That is something that I take more serious and I don’t want to lose that ability.

Dealing with my menses have just made dealing with pain that much more intolerable. I just am very grumpy and the slightest thing annoys me. I just can’t seem to tolerate things I used to tolerate, my annoying pain included.

Little things such as my pain can set off suicidal thinking. It is extremely hard to pull back when you are annoyed. I am trying to better identify this and to seek help so that I won’t make an attempt on my life again. In the ideal world, most therapists would like clients to call someone when they are on the brink. But rarely does this happen because of hopelessness. You just think that no one would understand what you are going through. I once texted a crisis line that I was thinking of overdosing on my medication. Instead of dealing with the idea of overdosing, they decided that I should talk to a nurse to see if it was safe to take another dose. HUH??? I have all but given up on calling for help when I need it.