Tag: psychosis

Paranoia continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I am still feeling paranoid these days. I can’t shake it, even when I am alone in my room, I feel like someone is watching me. It fucking sucks. I went out today, in the freezing cold, to have a cup of coffee that I didn’t like. I don’t think the barista used the right reserve coffee. I drank it anyway because I spent money on it and plus, it is coffee. I should have had something to eat while at Starbucks as I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I feel like making popcorn for supper. I might after I write this blog.

I got a weird PM (private message) from a lady I didn’t know on Facebook today. She got my book and was excited to read it. I still have no idea who she is. I just replied “thank you”. She responded with an “no, thank you”. I didn’t think anymore of it until I was scrolling through my phone on FB and there was a pic of my book on a coffee table under the CES group that I am in. Now it made sense. I still don’t know the woman, she is in the UK, but I like that she bought my book and was showing it off.

I was annoyed with my therapist today. She thinks I should be in the hospital and I told her flat out, I wasn’t going to go. I am not in danger, per se. I think people are going to kill me and bomb the White House, but that isn’t grounds for admission. Have had way too many to know what gets you in and what doesn’t. She then said for me to get off my high horse, whatever that means. I wasn’t too coherent talking to her today. I felt really spacey. I felt like I was making sense but maybe I wasn’t. She is still trying to figure out what set me off about my delusions. She kept saying stress but I haven’t been under any type of stress in the past few weeks so there goes that theory. Sure, I have been dealing a lot with my father but then the delusions would be about him and they are not. I don’t know. I do know my psychiatrist is worried because she hardly ever emails me asking if I am going ok. I emailed her today saying I was still paranoid. I don’t know why I am being watched. It is most unsettling. It would be worse if I was in the hospital, where I would be watched and checked on, every fifteen minutes or so. I would ask my psychiatrist but what she thinks but I don’t think I would like the answer very much. As long as I am not having command hallucinations, I think I am ok. I will take the abilify tonight, even though it is my “off” night (I take it every other day because of side effects). I am questioning whether going every other night is the reason why I am having symptoms. Though the last few weeks have been horrendous. It has been one roller coaster, that is for sure.

I can’t wait to get paid next week so I can get ingredients for some cookies I want to bake. Maybe that is what is stressing me out. Being broke all the time. It’s so rough living on disability and not working to have a little income every week. Being paid monthly is brutal. I don’t know how people do it. I have been on disability for almost two and half years. It wears me out. And now that the end of the month is coming to an end, I need to make a decision as to whether to renew my monthly T-pass or just pay as I go. If I put $20 on my card, it usually lasts me the month, but now that I have to see my father every week and see my psychiatrist again, the price of traveling has gone up. So maybe paying the $29/month won’t be so bad. Least I know I will be using it and then I don’t have to worry about running out of money the end of the month.

I am in bed, partly under the covers, with a sweatshirt on and I am still fucking cold. IN THE HOUSE! WTF. I don’t understand why the heat hasn’t kicked on. It’s like 15 degrees out, with the stupid windchill. I’d put more clothes on but I don’t want to get hot when the heat kicks on, whenever that maybe. I feel like taking a nap. I have been up since 8 and I really could use one. But it’s getting late and if I sleep now, I might be up all night. It’s always dicey when I want to take a nap.

I really don’t want to go to my father’s tomorrow but I have to refill his meds and take him for his blood work. He has been needed his blood work done for a while now but the weather has been so poor, it has been impossible to take him. Now that the weather is nicer, I have to take him. I just hope the lab orders are still good.

delusions continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I had therapy today. I read her what I wrote on Twitter and to my psychiatrist. I heard back from my psychiatrist about what I have written. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote on twitter:

having delusions are fun. I think I can write a story if they keep up. Or maybe I’ll just make it up as I go along. Fiction has no rules. Seth, who was killed by bratec, is now living in ISIS. He is now big Ben and is being controlled by the G’oauld. Allah is their god but big Ben thinks he is their god and everyone must bow to him. See it makes an interesting story. The G’oauld is a parasitic alien that lives at the base of big Ben’s neck. It gives Ben powers of mass destruction. That is all I will say. Voices are yelling at me to sleep and keep this info a secret. But it is all true. The G’oauld are going to take over earth. Just watch.

I just sent it to her. I don’t care anymore. These delusional are real to me. I am getting paranoid when I think about the destructiveness of the aliens so I try not to think about it. It really scares me. And the fact that no one knows about this. But then the aliens have been hidden for centuries in humans. My therapist thinks that I am caught in some kind of sci-fi fantasy of some sort. Whatever. I know this is real. My therapist was kind of in awe of my delusion. But she didn’t talk me out of it. Part of the agitation last night was because of pain hitting new levels, despite taking pain meds. All I could do was write and what came out was the delusion of my thoughts. But is it a delusion if you can’t reality test? No one can prove to me that I am wrong so therefore, I am right?

I am watching my niece. I think I have eaten practically anything that my sister has. I have had corned beef and cabbage, Hershey choc chips, corn bread, popcorn, and water. I am so full it’s not funny. And I had a bacon and cheese sandwich before I picked her up from school! Must be the meds that are making me hungry. I feel really bloated and sick so I don’t think I am going to have anything else tonight.

I just hope my psychiatrist doesn’t want me in the hospital. I told her they will plant stuff into me, which I think they will. They won’t understand the meanings of what I am saying.

The weather has been weird today. This morning was raining, then it was sunny. Now it is windy and raining again. But it’s warm out so I am happy about that. Just weird that things got dark all of a sudden and the wind picked up. I want my sister to come home soon so I can lie down on my bed. I got a stomach ache. I shouldn’t have had so much corned beef but it was so good. My brother in law makes a good boiled dinner, though I wish he would cut the meat and cabbage up before boiling everything together. That was why I had a huge piece of meat. But oh well. Now I just want to put my feet up and relax, but mostly just put my feet up because they will hurt less later than they would be now.

Funny thing. I was reading something last night and found that the editing was terrible. I couldn’t believe that they published it with so many errors. For example, they had ” x, x, x and” with no comma after the third x. It was like that the whole thing that I read. It annoyed me so I stopped reading it. I am no grammar police but to see that in a published book was sad.

going a little nuts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

I’m back to being psychotic. delusions are currently out of control and the voices are not helping (bad ones). Islam is being controlled by aliens which is why they want to take over the world and destroy the white house. I can’t be more specific than that as you won’t understand it. Allah is a false god, similar to the G’ould in the Stargate series. I can’t reality test and I believe these things. I don’t know what to do. My thinking is erratic and I know this but I can’t stop the thoughts. I am very paranoid. AND NO I don’t want to go to the hospital. They will plant shit in me and I don’t want that. Taking some trilafon and hope that things are better in the morning.

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

The upside to Bipolar Disorder

Since yesterday, I have been on a roller coaster of emotions. One minute I am happy go lucky, then next I want to kill myself. It has been alternating like this for the past 24 hours. I don’t think I will act on my feelings, only because they have been changing so rapidly and usually distraction helps. My therapist has been keeping an eye on me. I don’t see her until next week but I am to keep in touch with her. The weather has flipped to the 50’s and 60’s for the first time all winter so I think that is part of the reason why my mood has shifted. I have been feeling restless so I need to keep moving. Being on the computer only keeps my attention only for so long and then I need to move on. Playing my game is not good for me because it requires more attention and time to play. I just don’t have the patience to go through every mission and collect the stuff I need, right now.

I got my haircut today so I am feeling fresh and clean. I am really happy with this cut. After the haircut, I caught the bus to the square to get my coffee. The downside was that I needed a pair of headphones so I bought myself one. I don’t know where this money is coming from but as long as things don’t bounce, I am good. Last night I almost bought a new phone because of my impulsivity is up. But I didn’t. I bought a membership to the AAS instead. That will be good for a year. I was tempted to buy alcohol today but I really shouldn’t be drinking in my state. It might have dire consequences, especially since I have been alternating being suicidal. Luckily the downside of things hasn’t lasted long. I just don’t know why I am so upbeat. I don’t feel out of control but I feel super. I also have been feeling paranoid. Today while walking to the bus stop, I was really on edge. I was hoping I would miss the mentally disabled guy that hangs around the bus stop. I didn’t and I was really uncomfortable. He makes me so nervous because he is so rude and just expects people to give him money for the bus. One of the high school kids gave him three dollars, which was good. He wasn’t asking people but then a disabled woman came off and he asked her for money. I was like WTF. He ate a banana and left the skin on one of the seats. He then sat on it as he moved over so the disabled woman could sit down. I just wanted off the bus. I was so close to getting off my stop when the stop before mine, a mother and daughter got on. They kept on asking the bus driver questions about how to get to where they were going and I was getting more annoyed. It was not good. I really was getting heated. I just wanted off the damn bus. I know my irritability is because of my mood state but just pay your fare and sit the fuck down! Man, I was so annoyed.

I am having all the classic symptoms of hypomania, with the exception of grandiosity. I just feel really good! I am feeling little pain, though I think I overdid it with walking today and then taking a shower. My foot/ankle are not happy with me right now. I am glad I am seeing my pdoc on Friday so we can sort this out. I hope I am still in good moods when I see her. It will really suck to see her when I am in a low mood. I will be emailing her to let her know what is going on so I cover everything. Just to keep her in the loop. So weird that Sunday and Monday I was sleeping all day and Tuesday and today I am high. I still have low appetite that I am eating. I just don’t have any interest in eating if food is not in front of me. My mother made pork chops for dinner tonight and I ate half of it before I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. I ate the rest of it just so she wouldn’t think anything is wrong. But now I feel so sick, it’s not funny.

Just emailed my pdoc about the change of symptoms so she knows what is going on and I don’t have to send her this blog post. I will send it to my therapist just so she knows how hyper I am.

I got Luke Bryan’s new music. I fucking love him. If I was straight or liked guys, he would be at the top of my list of men. But I am not, I just admire him and his music. He is a cutie though.

Think I am going to try and finish reading this mammoth book on the civil war so I can then move on to Doestoevsky’s “The Idiot”. My goal is to hopefully finish it by the end of this week. That is close to 200 pages. Wish me luck!!