Tag: psychosis

When did I become an adult?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Plans foiled

I had planned on working on my book today. That was the plan anyways. And harass people on Twitter. But my sister called me in a panic about my father who she said “was bleeding and had blood all over the place” from his fricken biopsy. No fucking way that sucker can still be bleeding unless he keeps picking at it and he can’t reach it so I don’t know what the damn problem is. I hurried over there to find him sitting calmly, watching TV. No blood stains anywhere. I looked at his back and he had, no kidding, like 6 band aids on the wound. So MY work was derailed for the day. I am going to try and get the rest of the wrapping done later tonight. I need to relax my ankle because I stood for at least a half hour for the bus and walking home. I was and am still pissed. I filled his medication box while I was there so I wouldn’t have to go on Saturday.

I went to Walgreens to pick up some stuff. I am out of ibuprofen and mouthwash. Damn, and I forgot to get Excedrin migraine. That stuff works really well when I have a bad headache that usually turns into one. I will get it tomorrow. The good news is that I was able to get my pain meds refilled a day early. I am happy about this so now I can relax on Saturday.

Voices came back. I am happy about this, though I am experiencing other symptoms. I have remnants of conversations, music, and other noise in my head. I find that playing music helps keep my head clear. I don’t feel like myself still. Things are pretty jumbled and I don’t like it. I am waiting for my therapist to call me. She doesn’t have any times available today. It would have been good to talk to her about this. It’s so discombobulating.

I woke up late this morning, which is good. I must have slept a good solid six straight hours. First time that has happened in a long while. I feel cold so I am getting sleepy again, but I am not going to lie down and nap. I am trying to break the cycle. I had coffee this morning. I was kind of planning on still going to Starbucks as I needed to go to Walgreens anyways. But all those plans went out the window when the “emergency” with my father took place.

I have about $20 left for the month after everything was paid for yesterday. $10 will be going towards a prescription for tomorrow, so really I just have ten bucks to my name. Happens every month. But at least I will have food and be stocked on my essentials. I realized, I spent over $100 on food and NONE of it is junk food. No soda, chips, or cookies. When did I become an adult??

Musings and Voices

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

My therapist read my blog that I wrote last night. She said it was “brilliant” and conveyed a lot of information. She asked why was I thinking about this stuff now and I told her I have been reading a lot about therapy and stuff and wondered if it was still the right course to be on. She used the analogy of being on a boat and we both have been swinging the oars. I told her lately, I just feel like we are going around in circles. That is when she told me to pick up an oar. Knucklehead.

We are going to try and work in a few goals in the upcoming weeks so that I am not so isolated. We also talked about the voices and she has no clue why they have disappeared on me. They seem to come out when I am really tired and want to go to sleep. My day voices are no longer there, though one was briefly. I am hearing music in my head so I am hoping that is a good sign the voices are coming back. My reading “voice” is back so I can read without difficulty.

It is so weird not hearing the constant bickering of the voices all the time. My therapist also asked what will this be like if they don’t come back. I have been listening to these voices for over thirty years. I don’t want to think what my life will be like without them. I can’t. It will be suicidal to think that. I know they will show up again. I just may have to be off my meds for a little bit. I need to be my version of sane again. I just don’t feel like myself, at all.

It’s been hard trying to write the past few days. My thoughts seem slower to me. I also have no energy and feel tired all the time. I know part of it is being in chronic pain and suffering from depression. But I was able to get out yesterday so I am taking today as a rest day. I had some Chinese food that I have been craving. Unfortunately, it just made me bloated and sick to my stomach. I think I am also fighting a migraine as my head keeps pounding. I thought I took care of it this morning when I took a couple of ibuprofen. But I think the Chinese food just made matters worse. Soon as I can move without being nauseated, I will take my migraine pill. I just hope I have one left. I used up my last pill in the pack and I don’t know if I have another pack. I don’t get migraines that often so I don’t keep track of the pill count. I just called in a refill to my docs so it should be ready tomorrow, I hope. I really want to go to Starbucks tomorrow, if the weather cooperates.

I didn’t sleep well last night, which is another reason I am so tired today. It felt like I was up every hour, which I probably was. I finally gave up around 0700. I paid my bills for the month and ordered my groceries. I added a couple things. This is the first time in a LONG time that I have ordered over $100. But I haven’t gone grocery shopping in months so this replenishes what I desperately need. Only thing that sucks is that I won’t have my delivery until Friday. They had absolutely no slots open for today or tomorrow. I got $1 off my order for picking a time that was convenient. I would have picked the $2 off time but it was 7-10 at night and I wasn’t going to stay up that late for a grocery order. I love shopping online. No lines, no waiting, no standing around. Just click, click, click and you are done.

I still have two more books to wrap for my reviewers. It’s killing me when I have no motivation as well as no energy. But I have until Saturday when my royalties come in to send out the books. That is if I get up early to do it. I then will have to see my father to do his pills again.

to therapy or not?

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, psychology, psychosis

To therapy or not?

I spent most of the time while on the phone with my therapist today, trying to bring up therapy. What does it mean? Are we doing it “right”? Is she really helping me or am I just wasting my time? Then when I got home, I really thought about not having therapy anymore. I don’t see the point. I know that I am not in a too stable position to make a major decision like this. And I am not saying to stop therapy forever. But I think we have lost what “therapy” is. We talk for 50 minutes, usually I do most of the talking, but she has to talk sometimes, too. Sometimes it is helpful. Other times, or most times, I feel like she is regurgitating what I just said to her and putting it in her words. I feel lost. I have been reading about how psychotherapy is supposed to be helpful but I don’t find it helpful anymore. I feel like there is a war going on (inside me) that tries to stay the course, to please her, to have her hear my idiotic stories about my family.

She was on vacation last week and I had a couple of psychotic episodes. I was left to deal with it on my own. But then, I deal with everything on my own. I put myself on medicines that I think would be helpful. In the end, it is I who chooses to stop them because I no longer care. I don’t care if I kill myself. I don’t care who I hurt in the process. I just want to end my life and why is that so damn terrible?? People do it every day, every 15 minutes according to the statistics. I am just in a vulnerable state right now. My mind is playing tricks on me. The voices are either there or not there. I can’t fucking tell anymore. And when they are not there, I feel utterly alone and frightened. I don’t know why the voices have gone away. I haven’t taken that much medicine to make them go away. Something changed last night and I don’t know what it is. Maybe the mixed state fucked with the voices. I don’t know. I am too tired to listen for them. Usually they are loud when I am stressed. I have too much riding on my back. And I don’t think therapy is going to help me sort it all out. I am tired of dealing with me. And I think my therapist is too, she just won’t say it. I know I am a burden to her. I take up too much of her time.

I am supposed to take my abilify tonight, but I am not going to. I got to see if the voices come back. I need my reading voice to finish my books. Otherwise, they are just words on a page that has no meaning to me. Sure, I can “read” but it just won’t make any sense to me.

I am very tired, probably exhausted. I woke up early and did all the things that I needed to do today. The T gods were on my side. I had no troubles today. Only troubles that I have is in my heart and mind. I’d even take a commanding voice back if that meant I would be back in the psycho world. I feel really alone and I don’t like it. It’s lonely without my voices.

So I don’t think I should be in therapy, even though my therapist will argue for it. She is good at that. But what I need, she can’t give me. And I am very sad about that. I still wonder what my diagnosis is from her, not that it really matters. I often wonder if I still have borderline personality disorder or not. Or what personality disorder I do have. It’s been ages since psych 101 so I can’t even think what kinds of disorders are out there. But I don’t want to label myself. That is the worse thing you can do is to label yourself because that puts you in a box. And sometimes you are the round hole trying to put in a square peg that doesn’t fit.

Another fricken cold day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Another fricken cold day

It’s supposed to be a high of like 18 degrees all week, that is with the wind chill. Tomorrow is supposed to be less than that, and I have to go out to get my pain meds refilled. I also have to finagle my appointment with my therapist. I figure on going to Starbucks first, get my mocha, then go to the hospital where my appointment is at, and just sit in the lobby to have my phone session. That is the plan anyway, if the T cooperates. So far, there hasn’t been too much disruptions on the buses or the red line. I am hoping the same for tomorrow.

Appt with my damn father. Let’s just say it was quick and over with faster than any other appointment. The only thing that sucked was waiting for the hospital shuttle to the train station. But we managed.

I am really tired and cold. I want to nap but I am too restless to actually do so. I could take something to calm me down some but I really don’t want to sleep this early in the afternoon. I am waiting a callback from one of my father’s docs and I don’t want to miss it. The doc we saw today was supposed to call in a script but hasn’t done so yet. So I am just waiting a callback to see when it will be done.

I wrote in my journal for most of the day today. I really haven’t been wanting to be on the laptop today for some reason. I am taking a break from my game, temporarily, as I am just fed up with it. You request stuff and you don’t get it day in and day out just frustrates you.

Did I mention I was cold? My hands and feet feel like ice. I hate being cold. I don’t know where the heat is today. It usually is warm in my room when it’s cold like it is today. I have been in my room for at least 3 hours and have not heard the heat kick on. This just sucks. I so just want to get under the covers and get warm.

I was hoping my powerade would be on sale this week but no such luck. But it is cheaper than Gatorade. But I need groceries this week so doesn’t matter. I need my stuff and ordering online is convenient. I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs either, which is really nice. I do, however, have to lug the powerade to my room, which is a pain. I usually transfer it to the recyclable bags as they fit more than the plastic bags. And I can usually carry it in one haul.

My mood is kind of down. Been thinking about the stress of tomorrow and it’s wrecking havoc on me. If I wasn’t such an idiot, I would cancel my appointment for my therapist but it is too late now. She requires a 24 hr notice and I passed it. I should be ok, but ever since the T has been having trouble, I have been weary. But I don’t want to be sitting out in the freezing cold, waiting for a bus that has been canceled, and not be notified about it. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. I plan on getting on an early bus so to avoid a cancellation, and the weather is supposed to be clear, no fricken snow. Just bloody cold. If I had money for a cab, I would take one but I don’t have it.

The psychosis seems to have abated. I don’t feel stressed out like I was. But the bus situation tomorrow isn’t helping to make me feel easy. And the appointments are close together. I should have taken the earlier appointment and then I could have possibly be home for my therapist. But I chose the later time because I am an idiot. I should have called back to see if I could change it but I didn’t want to be a dumbass. Besides, I hate calling my doc’s office because no matter what time I call, I am on hold for at least five minutes before someone picks up. And that is if I am lucky. I hate being on hold!