Tag: psychosis

Fricken cold today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders

Just came home from the freezing cold. I usually don’t wear gloves because I don’t like them but today I needed them. I carried a bottle of Powerade home from Walgreens and my hand almost got frostbite! We were supposed to get 39 degrees today but it’s only 27 and feels like 20. I am so damn cold right now. My father has his pills set for the week, though I think he skipped a day and is lying about it. Oh well. I don’t give a shit. It’s his life not mine.

Still feeling kind of delusional. I might have to take an extra trilafon today. I was wicked paranoid on the bus ride home for some reason. I tried to sleep but I was so fearful someone was going to kill me it was hard to relax. There was hardly anyone sitting near me so I don’t know why I felt like this. I take my regular dose of the pink pill tonight and tomorrow night so that should prevent this psychotic episode from getting worse, I hope. I don’t get like this often, but when I do, it’s holy hell.

I haven’t had lunch yet. What I really want, I don’t have. I can’t wait to order groceries and get my steaks. I haven’t had a steak in a long time. I haven’t decided if I am going to share with my mother or not. She doesn’t like steak and always complains about it. But then, I am not paying the top dollar kind of steak so what do you expect?? I really would love a filet mignon but I just can’t afford it. Maybe for my birthday, if I live that long. I really don’t want to make it to my next birthday. It’s too much of an effort living the way I am. I have no life outside of family. I rarely see friends or former coworkers. I really just don’t to “be” any more.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep. I would make pancakes but my mother is cleaning the spice rack and has all of them all over the place. I guess, I am going to have to wait. I will just take a nap and sleep off this morning.

I woke up early again but was able to get back to sleep. I didn’t have coffee today and it’s kind of late to have a cup now. I would have made it but after going back to sleep, it was time to take a shower and catch the bus. I just made it to the bus stop when the bus came, early. It must have been behind. Or I read the schedule wrong. Either way, I was happy that it came and I didn’t have to wait long in the cold.

I haven’t emailed or text my psych team letting them know that I am delusional. I just hope it passes on its own. There is not much they can do for me anyways. My therapist is still on vacation and my psychiatrist is still out of the office. I will just manage it the best I know how.

Delusional and Perturbed

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, psychosis

I keep hitting dead ends. I just can’t hold on any longer. My mind is so fucked up, I don’t think anyone can sort it out. I can’t even sort it out and it’s my mind!

I am just in one of the moods because of this agitation that I am in. I tried taking something for it but it hasn’t helped. Now things are swirling in my brain and I think writing about it is the only way to get these demons out of my head.

There was a seminar going on today on Twitter, dad2summit. I don’t know what it was about, but the last segment, of course, talked about “Man therapy”. It is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Go to mantherapy.org and you will see how stupid it is. But if it helps prevent a man from acting on suicidal thoughts, then I am for it. That is why I don’t downcast it too much for that reason.

There has been a lot of roof collapses in the Boston area since the snow is only 8 feet on some roofs. I am now worried about our roof tops. I know I shouldn’t be because we don’t have a flat roof on my house, but there is one area of the house that does, the extension part. Trouble is, there is no way to get there because my back porch is piled with snow and that would be the only way to access it. So I am having dreams and fantasies of it collapsing. I just don’t feel safe and I know it’s irrational. But every time I get a tweet saying to check your roof, I panic. It’s like a command hallucination or something, telling me what to do. Maybe I am becoming delusional, I don’t know. I hate when I am agitated because that never bodes well for me.

I added a conclusion to Brick Wall, my short story that I have been working on the last few months. I am thinking about publishing it on my blog just so my therapist can read it. This is the first piece of work that I have worked on that I have not published on my blog. It’s kind of strange not to post it. But I still am kind of working on it and so I don’t really want to publish it until I am really done with it.

I have been thinking of preparing my “darkness will always win” into the template so that I can get things ready for my next book to be published. It will be a much shorter book. I don’t know how many pages it will be. Darkness is about 13 or 14 pages right now, alone. And the Brick is about 3-4 pages. I need to have at least 24 pages to make a book. But that requires me formatting and coming up with a title page, chapter page, etc. I am going to do things differently than I did with my first book, now that I know the formatting deal. I just hope I can do it. I already have my self-doubts about it not selling. And that I think it is stupid making a short story collection book knowing they don’t do well. But if Lawrence Block can do it, I can try. I just have to have the motivation to actually do it. I just don’t know which blogs I want to put in the book. The blogs that I had chosen are really short, like 2 pages! That is not going to get me far.

I just have the who fuck its going on right now. And this perturbation that I am feeling is not helping me. I wish I could email my psychiatrist and ask her what to do about this. Better yet, call her and ask her. But I doubt I will get a response quickly. I hate this delusional feeling that is creeping up. I might have to start taking my psych med every day as this is the second time in two weeks, three weeks, that this has happened. I can’t/won’t go back to the hospital. Why can’t tomorrow be Tuesday so I can talk with my therapist! She is on vacation so I can’t even text her because I won’t know when/if she will be able to call me back. We do have our code words for when I am in real distress. I am not psychotic, I just feel really perturbed!! And it’s stressing me out. And when I get stressed, the voices start acting up. Think I will take some trilafon and see if that helps calm me down. It’s the only thing I can think of that will settle the delusions about the roof collapsing and the command tweets that I have been getting.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

Rearview Mirror

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

Rearviewmirror

I have babysitting duties tonight so I thought I would write now before I have to pick up the rugrat.

The sleepy’s haven’t left me. I feel really tired so need to lie down. I do but then I don’t go to sleep. I ruminate about things. Then when I finally get to the sleep stage, my damn phone goes off, disturbing me. GGRRR.

I still haven’t received the money that is owed to me by my royalties. I hope changing the banks works. Otherwise I don’t know what I am going to do.

Because I have to drive to pick up the rugrat and it’s really cold out, I can’t take any pain meds. I am not in super pain but just enough to say ouch. Those with Chronic pain will understand. I haven’t done too much today, other than go up and down my stairs to get something to eat and use the bathroom. I wish I had one near my room but there is no space for it. Oh well. I just took a shower and that helped to wake me up a little bit. I wish I had my new shampoo for my dry scalp but it hasn’t arrived yet. I hope it gets delivered today like it is supposed to.

I got a new printer. It was finally delivered the other night, well past the normal delivering hours. I was happy. However, I can load the damn drivers and it is driving me crazy! I just want to toss it out the window! Or return it! But I know it’s some kind of connection issue and I just have to figure it out. Though maybe I will, when I am not so cranky. I really have no patience these days. My damn father just sucks it right out of me. He called 4 times last night because he wanted to keep his cancelled appointment. It was 1945 when he first called! The office was closed so what the hell was I supposed to do?? I just let the phone calls go to voicemail. I was sleepy anyway and had no energy to deal with a two year old (father). I called him this morning and tried calling the office to set up another appointment but there is supposed to be a BIG snow storm this weekend going on so I am sure they are probably busy making other arrangements for their appointments for Monday and Tuesday. Snow is supposed to start tomorrow and end Tuesday! FUN FUN FUN. NOT. I don’t know where we are supposed to put this dump. We barely have room to keep what we have! This is the snow year. We broke the record for the most snow this season and it hasn’t stopped.

I talked with my therapist last night. We mostly talked about my imbecilic father. I wish I could say that it was a good conversation but it left me worried because of my psychotic symptoms. We talked about my psychiatrist not being there and how much she is a supportive person in my life. But for some reason she hasn’t pawned me off to her covering doctor. I am not sure I need to, but if the psychosis doesn’t go away, I am going to need some guidance. I can’t handle this on my own and I really don’t want to go back to the hospital, where I will get no treatment other than supportive care and dosed with numerous meds to keep me “safe”. I don’t think I can handle another admission. My last one was long and didn’t really help me. None of the issues that lead me to the hospital were dealt with. It was so frustrating. And my case worker just had her own agenda which was nothing to do with me.

I got my menses today which means I have to go back to female underwear and supplies. So demoralizing. I also have to stop the pill for a week to give myself a break. This so sucks!!