Tag: suicidality

Voluntary admission

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Voluntary admission

I had a meeting with my therapist and a few phone calls to my pdoc today. They were not amused with my blog from yesterday. I was kind of hoping my pdoc didn’t read it but she did, and now I am fucked. Tomorrow morning I have to leave the house early to go in the hospital because that is when a bed will be available. I would have gone in today but there are no beds. So I get to spend another night staring at all my bottles, wondering which will do me in and which will only knock me out. I just texted my therapist to call me as it’s urgent. I really don’t know if I can keep myself safe one more night. Then I will be babysat for I don’t know how many days until I get released. Fun! I packed my backpack and it is very full. It doesn’t have my journal in it so I will need to pack that before going to bed tonight. I could have packed another bag but I want something that will be not so noticeable. I plan on leaving the house before my mother gets up so I don’t have to deal with her. I have not told anyone except two friends (and no blog world) that I am going to the hospital. I keep waiting for myself to “snap out of it” but it hasn’t happened yet.

Therapy today was fun. We went over my crisis response and I am supposed to write down alternatives to my thoughts of suicide. I don’t see anything because the damn constriction is making it so I only see one option, and that is death. I would page my psychiatrist right now and be like I don’t need to go in but I think it is a lost cause. She might send me to the ER if I don’t and I don’t want to spend a night in the ER.

I took a test run today to see what bus I have to take to get to the hospital tomorrow morning. I hope the shuttle bus isn’t crowded. I hate crowded public transportation. It gives me anxiety. I just realized that I didn’t pack any socks that I washed yesterday. I am an idiot!

I am hoping to go to the same unit I was on before. I don’t be able to blog like I do as it will be on phone. If I do blog from my phone, please excuse typos and grammatical errors. I might not catch them. Last time, I wrote a really long blog that I typed up after I got discharged to talk about my experience. I might not do it this time because it was an ordeal. I had several pages to type up and handwriting to decipher. So if I go a day or two without blogging, know that I am in the hospital and can’t right now. I would love to take my laptop but I am too afraid of it getting stolen or worse, dropped. I still haven’t decided which pants to wear tomorrow. I hate deciding what clothes to wear and what is deemed safe.

I severely chopped my eyebrows off today. Yesterday there was one hair that was out of whack and instead of plucking it with tweezers, I decided to use my hair clipper. Bye-bye eyebrow. Today I decided to do the same to my other one. I don’t know which looks worse on me. But I kind of like them being this short. I have bushy hairbrows so the trim, although not even, is ideal.

I really hope that I can be safe tonight. My therapist hasn’t called me yet. I just want to say fuck it and do something. But I don’t think that will go over too well with anybody, including myself. I still am wondering how to play it out in the hospital. If I make myself too unsafe, I probably won’t get my cords to charge my phone and I NEED my phone. I will be there a minimum of 7 days. But I am really freaking out on my therapist being on vacation the following week and be being out in the world. It scares me. They could discharge me anyways, they don’t care if you are suicidal and have plans to end your life. I just am so tired of fighting all the time. I really don’t think me threatening to kill myself when I get discharged will be a good idea. That might keep me there longer, which I kind of am hoping for. I just hope that the fire alarms don’t go off while I’m there. It’s an old building and last time, just steam would set them off. It was horrible! Everything is just so sensitive when you are on a psych unit.

Diagnosis

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

Diagnosis

Today I finally learned my diagnosis because my pdoc ordered some blood work to make sure I didn’t mess up my kidneys or liver with the OD the other night. I am bipolar I, currently depressed, severe, without no mention of psychotic behavior. That is a mouthful.

My pdoc wanted very badly to hospitalize me today. She wanted me to “push” her to do it and it wouldn’t have taken much to do. But I told her I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I fought her on it and I am to keep in contact with her the next few days. She is on vacation next week and I don’t see her until the 22nd of Aug. My therapist is on vacation starting Aug 11th. I would most likely be admitted for the whole month of August and I don’t like that. I might go in after I get my narcs for the month from my PCP. I can’t miss that appointment or it screws up the schedule. And the last time I was admitted, he took it as I was going to overdose on my narcs and it just was a mess. I had to pay extra because he only gave me a two week supply. I don’t have the money to be paying double.

I half want to email my doc and tell her I still want to smash my head in with a 20lb hammer. But that might section me as I am already walking a fine line right now. She didn’t kill me like I thought she would but she is very concerned about my welfare. The most she could do was force me to get blood work and an EKG. I hated having both done. But it was better getting them done as an outpatient than as an ER visitor.

Right now I am so conflicted. I want to go in the hospital but I am fearful that the demons will come out like they did in this crazy dream I was having about the hospital. I kept telling them I was going to kill myself when I got out, just watch and because I didn’t have follow up care, they kept me. This went on for weeks, least it did in the dream. I know that if I let myself go, I will hold nothing back. It will actually be interesting to see if they discharge me when I tell them I am going to kill myself. But I don’t think I want to find out. I do know that if I don’t have follow up within a week of being out, they might not discharge me.

But the 20lb hammer thing, it is starting to become obsessive thoughts. I still haven’t figured out how to swing the rope so that it hit me just right. But I keep thinking about it. Or maybe get it square in the forehead and hope it does enough damage. Thing is, I don’t know if I will defend against it. My reflexes are good, I think, so if something is coming at me, I will duck out of the way, which will defeat the whole purpose.

My therapist doesn’t know about this idea either. We haven’t had time to talk about it because she keep doing the SSF (Suicide Status Form) on me to assess how I am doing. That was the other thing my pdoc was asking about, how to keep me safe and what plans are in place so that I don’t do what I did on Saturday again. She knows it will take very little for me to harm myself with the meds that I am on. But both my pdoc and therapist knows I am both careful and smart with my meds. But with my therapist tracking my suicidality, my pdoc felt a little better. Otherwise, I think I would be sitting in the ER waiting for a bed someplace.

I feel really shitty. My bowels are fucked up and I don’t think there is enough senna in the world right now to set them straight. I still feel sleepy most of the time. Exhaustion will just wash over me. I think I am still under the meds hangover. So I think I will skip tonight’s dose too. I will just take an Ativan plus my other meds to sleep. Hopefully, the stupid abilify doesn’t send me into hyper mode. It didn’t last night, I think because I was still harboring some of the mood stabilizer in my system. I slept pretty good, got at least six hours straight, which was better than the night I OD’d. I think my pain meds helped because I was really having zaps and exploding pain going through my foot last night. It literally felt like someone was trying to rip off my big toe and smash it with a hammer. Not a pleasant type of feeling.

I still haven’t gotten around to changing my sheets. I keep saying tomorrow and it never happens. I need to wash my comforter, too. I wish I had the energy to do it.

HOF and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

HOF and other stuff

Today was the induction of several players into the Baseball Hall Of Fame (HOF). Greg Maddux and Joe Torre were among the men being honored. I totally respect Joe Torre because he always has class around baseball and totally respects the game. Although I am a Red Sox fan, I still respect the guy all the years he managed the Yankees. I hope that he becomes the next commissioner of baseball. That will really be good.

I overdosed last night. I kept taking my mood stabilizer until I felt it was enough. Today I am sick and have an awful headache. I researched what the symptoms were of an overdose before I did it and seeing as no one died from it, I figured being sleepy and feeling hungover were okay. My therapist and psychiatrist may not think so, but I am feeling better psychologically. I got the “fuck its” out of my system. Question now becomes do I tell my pdoc what I have done. I have texted my therapist all weekend so she knows what is going on. I am trying to get an appointment with her tomorrow to talk things over. But I don’t know if she still has the time open.

I have been sleeping most of the day and feel the need to lie down every so often. My eyes are kind of dilated so I have been staying in my room so no one notices. I made myself something to eat so my appetite has not been affected. I wish I could say the same for my bowels. They have been hurting me all day. I don’t know if that means that I have to go or not but it’s driving me crazy. I know I haven’t gone in the last few days so tonight I will take a laxative to try and get things moving. I hate feeling uncomfortable. Constipation is a side effect of the meds, not only of what I took, but with the other meds I take.

Despite taking large amounts of the meds, I didn’t sleep very well. Every three hours I was up. It made for a shitty night sleeping. I wasn’t sick when I woke up. I just took more meds to go back to sleep. I knew I wasn’t going to die from what I was taking. I just wanted an escape and it gave me that. It made me forget how I was feeling, least for a little while.

I still am thinking of going in the hospital tomorrow. But I don’t really think it is warranted as I am feeling better. But I will discuss this with my pdoc tomorrow when I contact her. I won’t be telling her what I did or I will be admitted, most likely involuntarily. Thing is I don’t know what to tell her. I sent her a message and I haven’t heard back from her but then she may not check her messages over the weekend. The midnight demons were out Friday night. I basically told her that if something were to happen to me, she wasn’t to blame and she wasn’t a failure. I just ended the message at that. This was before I OD’d.

I so need a cup of coffee. I think that will make my headache go away but it’s too late now for a cup as I will be up all night. I will make it tomorrow morning, that is, if I don’t go out first. I would like to go to Starbucks tomorrow and get a cup. I wish they had my Kati Kati brand. But they are out of it. I could order it, but I don’t have the funds to do so. And I really don’t need another coffee to keep me in the house. I bought their Breakfast blend coffee and when I make it, I don’t leave the house. I have been in the house all weekend. Doesn’t help me when I am so depressed. I am not saying that the overdose cured me of being suicidal but the thoughts have been less since doing it, least the impulsivity of acting on my thoughts. I still want to die but it is less intense than it was on Friday. I still wish I could figure out a gizmo that can swing a 20 lb hammer to smash my skull. My only fear is just knocking me out and surviving. Then I will be stuck with traumatic brain injury which won’t be fun.

I washed my socks today, in preparation for going in the hospital as I don’t have any clean pairs. I doubt I will wear more than one pair as I usually walk around the floor with my slipper socks or slippers. I don’t wear street clothes, though I think you are supposed to. I like wearing my PJs all day. I still am conflicted about going in or not. I know that if I say that I overdosed that will be an automatic admission. But the problem will be that they may take me off the drug and that will be disastrous to me. I don’t plan on overdosing on it but the idiot docs don’t want to take that chance again. I don’t know how I will overdose in the hospital as the nurse watches you take your meds and knows when you don’t take them. Plus the med is a horse pill so trying to sneak it off will be very difficult. It just will be easier if they don’t know what I did. Besides, saying that I will overdose on benedryl is always my back up.

Frustrated beyond frustrated

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was struggling with my suicidal thoughts and was having physical pain on top of it. I think I went to sleep somewhere around 4. But I had a crappy sleep as I was up almost every hour after that. I finally gave up around 10ish. I made myself some breakfast and then my niece came upstairs as she needed to be babysat. She was hungry and like what I made, hard boiled eggs, so I made her one.

Lately I have been thinking of smashing my skull in with a 20lb hammer. I haven’t worked out the logistics of doing so but it’s a thought. I just am so depressed that I just want to die. I thought about overdosing on my mood stabilizer today but the most it would do is make me sleep. I might take some tonight if I don’t fall asleep right away. I don’t care. I texted my therapist saying that I don’t want to talk with her on Tuesday and asked her to please don’t call me. I don’t know if she will honor the cancelation. I still have to talk to my pdoc on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. I sent her an email at like 330 in the morning saying that if something should happen to me, that it isn’t her fault. She is not to blame and she is definitely not a failure. I sent the same message to my therapist via text. I just feel like I have to prepare them for the worse that can happen to me. I know I probably am not in my “right” mind. I have been thinking about going to the ER most of the day but I haven’t packed a bag in case they admit me. And I hate weekend admissions so I think I will stay out of the ER for at least until Monday.

My writing partner emailed me. She wants to know what happened at my pdoc appt as she hasn’t heard from me. I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t think “I am suicidal and I avoided hospitalization” will go over too well. She said that she was going to text me yesterday but never got around to it. I would have been shocked to get a text message from her. We exchanged cell numbers when she came for a visit about a few weeks ago. It was good chatting with her after spending so much time emailing one another for two years now. I just don’t want her to worry. But if I don’t answer the email, she will worry. I will think of something to say. I always do.

I am very tired. I took my mood stabilizer early this afternoon to try and sleep and I was not too successful. I keep thinking about emptying the rest of the bottle. There are only a handful of pills in it. But there has been no documentation that this drug is lethal. You would need mega doses to kill yourself and I don’t have it. I just want to zone out for a few hours or a day or two. Maybe then, it will snap me out of this funk that I am in. Then on the other hand, I want to text my therapist and let her know what I am thinking. But if I do that, then the cancelation will be canceled and I will have therapy on Tuesday. Only way to get out of it will be to go into the hospital on Monday. If I get there early enough, I probably won’t spend all day there. But it all depends on if there is a bed available where I want to go. I just am frustrated by not knowing.