Tag: suicidality

exhausted from all these appointments

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I went to my dentist appointment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The dentist was really good and didn’t hurt me while he scraped. I have no cavities, which I was thrilled to hear about. I still have my two baby teeth. They don’t have “adult ones” so I really need to start taking better care of my teeth. Because if they get injured or fall out, there is no replacement other than false teeth.

I came home and tried to sleep but I had therapy so I didn’t sleep too hard. I would sleep for forty-five minutes and then wake up. It was terrible. Then after therapy I figured I would have the afternoon to snooze. Nope. My sister called saying that my niece was sick and I had to pick her up. UGH. So now I had this sick kid that just wanted to cuddle with her germiness. Just great. Hope I didn’t catch anything. I washed my hands and I plan on taking a ton of vitamin D so I don’t get sick. No that is not a typo. Vitamin D actually helps the immune system because it helps a cytokine in the blood that is part of the immune system. Cytokines are like helper cells in the immune system, if memory serves correctly. I could have it wrong. But the bottom line is, Vitamin D is what you should take if you get a cold. I have not been really sick since taking it.

I am still exhausted. I still have an early appointment tomorrow that I am just dreading. I know it is just going to go like this, he sees me, examines me, and then says I have tendonitis. End of story. If he offers any other type of treatment, like a boot or a shot of cortisone, I will decline. I will be wearing my AFO just to show him that I have been treated for this before and I am sorry to waste his time and my sleep but my cranky PCP wanted to make sure that this was a foot problem and just a foot problem because God forbid it should be what I think it is, nerve damage that has messed up my foot! I am still nervous about this appointment because it is so early in the morning. I am afraid I will just go along with whatever he says because I am not awake enough to argue. Or that I will miss the appointment because the bus is late. As it is, I have to have my checking account on hold because I am not sure what the copayment will be. It will either be $15 or $40 (USD). It’s hard to say because I don’t know if this guy is in network or out of network. I won’t know until they run my insurance. I am still nervous about what he will do. I will die if I have to have x-rays done. Though he might just want to put me in a boot and see what that does but I am in an AFO so what good will that do me?? UGH, I am so frustrated and I haven’t even set foot in his office yet! (no pun intended!)

I talked with my therapist about self harming today. I told her my mother looked at the scars the other day. I felt mad because she touched me on my wrist and I hate being touched there without my permission. I actually hate being touched anywhere without consent, even if it is my mother. I have some pretty deep scars. We were talking about how I wish I could cut again to release my urges but she said that will open up a can of worms. What worms? Only thing it will do is want to make me cut more. And more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need one cut to make me feel better. And then the idiot therapist brought up my book as if that is the source of all evil. UGH. My frustration has something to do with my book, yes I am not going to lie about it. But it’s not the only thing frustrating me. Today my group called me by my birth name and I got wicked pissed off. Granted this person doesn’t know me so I had to quickly diffuse the situation. An old time member called me by my real name and that is what caused everyone to call me by my real name. I am so frustrated with my transgender stuff it’s not funny. So throw that on the table as well for reasons to cut. Plus it has been more than ten years since I last cut. I want to feel the release again. But I know the last time that I did cut, I didn’t feel anything and wanted to go all nuts on my wrist. It took quite a bit of self control not to give in to that type of harming.

I am trying not to give in to it today. But damn it is so hard not to think of it helping me when all else has failed me. I keep thinking of the way it will feel. But at the same time I know what will happen when that feeling is gone. I will want more. And more. It won’t stop. Just writing about it is making me want to do it. I think I should stop here for now.

i am a wimp

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I must be coming down with a cold or something. I have been sleeping on and off all day today. I just can’t seem to get enough sleep. I had a good night sleeping but today I needed more.

I haven’t worked on anything because I have been so sleepy. I think I am going to try and make this a short blog so I can go back and lie down. Funny thing is, I don’t feel sick, though I have been sneezing like crazy. Maybe it’s just allergies or something. Or maybe I am just depressed. I haven’t felt energetic at all since Friday. Yesterday I had a pain flare up so was in bed most of the day sleeping off my pain meds. But today I am not in pain too much. This morning was rough but it seems to have settled down some. I went down to my sister’s apartment and my foot didn’t spaz out on me so that was good.

I feel bad that I haven’t been writing anything but my blog. I know there is no time table for my other writing but I feel like by not working on it a little every day is putting me behind. I don’t know why I feel that way but I do.

I guess I have been depressed because all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to do anything else. I had wanted to change my sheets this weekend but that will have to wait another day. I am too comfy in my current bedding to change it to fleece sheets. I know they will be much warmer than my current sheets, especially as the temp is still below 20 degrees.

Last night I felt really suicidal for the first time in weeks. I didn’t do anything but think about how bad my life is with pain and how much it sucks that I can’t do what I used to do anymore. My doc wants me to see a new podiatrist. What this guy is supposed to tell me that I haven’t already heard is beyond me. I am going to try and call tomorrow. Maybe I can get my other calls in as well. Though I hate being on the phone making appointments. You are always put on hold forever. I just get impatient. And what is the point of making appointments if I am going to die anyways. I keep hoping I will die of a heart attack or stroke or some other cardiac event. I am too depressed to see myself live long enough to see myself successful. I am just a wimp. I think I am going to go back to sleep now. Until domani.

annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

My day started out early as usual. I am getting used to getting up before five these days but today it was because of pain and bladder was full. I try not to drink before going to bed but it’s not easy as I have a ton of meds to take and I can’t dry swallow them. I need some liquid to wash them down.

I am in an irritable mood. My foot still hurts and I am just cranky. I thought of getting coffee down at my sister’s but I really don’t want to talk to anyone. I just want my coffee and go back up to my room where it’s nice and quiet. I spend most of my time up in my room though today is mostly going to be a sleep day as I just took some more pain meds. I did too much the last two days and am now paying for it.

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we talked about my book anxieties. I feel better now knowing that my editor wants to edit my book as I gave her two chapters and she loved it. One worry down. I also printed off another copy of my manuscript so I can go over it and make changes to it if I feel there need to be. I know there is one section that I want to work on, namely the introduction. My therapist thinks there should be an Epilogue but I am not there yet. Besides, who writes an Epilogue for a memoir? She is going to drive me crazy, more than what I already am. I think she is just excited that I wrote a book after years of telling me to and it finally happened.

Yesterday I was feeling contentment. Today I am just depressed. I just want to sleep and do nothing. I put my status on Facebook that I would work on my short story but I am not that depressed. I need to be in a really dark place to write the short story and I just am not there. FUCK my mother just turned on the living room TV. I might not sleep as much as I want to after all. I am getting annoyed and irritated. And if I just didn’t pop two pain pills, I would be out the door, freezing my ass off for the bus. I really can’t think when I am trying to concentrate but I am hearing LOUD noises downstairs. Then she wonders why I don’t use my office! I swear if my book becomes successful, I am going to rent an office space and just have a table and a chair, maybe a Keurig machine and write there. It will get me out of the house and I will be able to work on my stories without interruption. I won’t have the internet which will not be a distraction and then I can come home and publish what I wrote. Dream world fantasy, I know but it is what it is.

I have been thinking about this story now for days and nothing new has surfaced with it. I think it is done and now I have to wonder if it will be part of my book or not. I have to check to see if I wrote about Hyde. If I did, I will include it in the chapter or the next chapter. So many decisions.

I still need to write something for my short story. I just don’t know where to go. I have never written a plot before or anything like that. But when I do, I will post it on my blog so you guys can read it. I told my psychiatrist about it and I was thankful she didn’t want me to send it to her because I was fearful she would call me out of concern or worse, hospitalize me.

It’s a windy day. House is shaking every time the wind blows. Just wonderful. Add it to my annoyance today. I feel like every time it blows it’s like the big bad wolf huffing and puffing trying to blow the house down. Oh, and to add more to my annoyance, my cell network is doing work in my area. I have not been able to get more than 2 bars in my house since it started. Sometimes I don’t have service in the house at all or outside the house. I tweeted a complaint but never got a response, nor was I expecting one. I have been with the same company now for over ten years. I like them for the most part. Except for right now when I have practically no service in some parts of the house!! I just hope that it clears up by Tuesday when I have my next therapy appointment. Going to be mighty difficult doing talk therapy via text!

doubts and fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

I don’t know what kind of day I have been having. It started very early, like 0430 early. I got some writing done. Had breakfast but that was the only thing I have eaten today. I am too tired to make something to eat. The leftover Chinese wasn’t enough to fill me up. I just had a banana. Hopefully that ties me over until tomorrow. Missing two meals is a big deal but there is nothing I can do about it now.

I saw my PCP today and he is trying to reassure me that I don’t have CES again with my foot problem. Meanwhile I am trying to convince him that I still have nerve damage in my foot. He wants me to see yet another flipping doctor. UGH. I will but I am going to keep my tongue in check when he says there is nothing wrong with me or that I just have a case of chronic tendonitis. If he decides to put me in a damn boot he has another thing coming to him. I am not wearing a boot. I wore one for almost three months and it didn’t do shit. Well it did do something, took out my hip flexor muscle. That felt so good (insert sarcasm here) NOT!

I had a chat with my therapist today. We talked about my doubts about my book. We also talked about my fears that I have. And the more we talked, the more I didn’t want to publish. Then my editor says she is changing her policy and I freak out so I IM’d her to find out if this includes me. I sent her two chapters of my book so she can get an idea of what my writing style is. I am hoping she will be ok with it. I really want to work with her and I think she wants to work with me. I just have one more payment for her and then it still is a waiting game on when she can fit me in. But all this waiting is driving me nuts. I have decided to print off the copy of the book and there are like six blank pages. I am printing blank pages that are costing me money! DOH! I figure I can read the book again and see of something pops out at me that I should change or add to. And what is really killing me is that I emailed my book to some people and they backed out of reading it. Didn’t have the courtesy of letting me know, for a MONTH now. I am kind of pissed but I understand that life gets in the way. But they should have let me know sooner rather than later!

So my therapist wants me to get someone to read it to give me some feedback on the book before it is published. Problem is, I don’t have many “real” people to do this. I don’t have a best friend that I can talk to about this and give him or her my book and let them tell me how it is. I might have to ask someone on Facebook to help me. I don’t know who else to ask. Course most of my status posts go ignored. Course I am at the point where I think publishing is going to open a can of worms I might not be ready for. This book is very personal, like my blog. But I don’t think my family reads my blog and knows how suicidal I have been over the years or that I poop and pee my pants every now and then or that I am even transgendered. They know that I suffered from a nerve injury. They know that I am gay. They know I suffer from depression. They know I have been hospitalized numerous times but they never knew why. This book is the why. Just thinking about it is making me nervous. Part of me just wants to say the hell with the editor and hit send to publish it and another part of me wants to just delete the book. Do all writers feel like this when their baby is finished? Or is it just me because I am a suicide attempt survivor? I don’t know. I never have written a book before now. If anyone reading this can provide some input in the comments, I would be most appreciative.

My therapist thinks it’s a wonderful thing that I have written a book because no one has before. I find that hard to believe. Granted my book deals with a lot of issues and illnesses. I just hope that I can make it coherent enough to explain the different sides that all contributed to my suicidality. My therapist thinks that I should write an Epilogue to say all this stuff. But I think the intro will do that just fine. My only fear right now is that it will be too much for my editor. I don’t think she has dealt with this kind of stuff before. And I am worried that it will overwhelm her and she pulls out an all stop.