Tag: suicidality

beyond tired and darkness

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, writing

I had three important phone calls to make today, well more like for the past several weeks, and I have been procrastinating on all of them. Today I decided to make one. It was nothing major, just an eye appointment because my vision has not been focusing on thing lately and especially when I am tired, I can’t read or use the laptop anymore because everything is blurry, even with my glasses on. This receptionist was a nitwit. She basically had the impression that I was not worthy of coming into the practice for whatever her reasons were. She (who is not a doctor by the way) thought it would be more prudent to my neuro-ophthalmologist when my doctor specifically told me a regular ophthal was ok. I got really frustrated very quickly. Then she had the audacity to give me an appointment “but to call soon so you can cancel it”. I don’t know what bee was in her bonnet but I am going to call on Monday and try to get another receptionist and another appointment that isn’t five months away! My eyesight hasn’t gotten worse, and I think it’s mostly due to migraine activity but I am not a doctor so I can’t make that assumption! And what really pissed me off was that my information was in the computer. The other receptionist who left me a message to call because I was a “new patient” when I filled in the online web appointment. What a jerk. I emailed my psychiatrist to tell her what was going on and also made an appointment with my optometrist to let him know what is going on because I need some fucking answers. I can’t have my eyes decide to go screwy with me when I need them to focus. It makes writing and reading very difficult.

I say this because I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are really tired and I know soon they will not focus on anything I try to make them focus on. So blogger chat friend, I might not be able to chat with you later. I think I am getting a migraine because I am so tired. I have been up since 630. I had a long morning with my father and his stupid doctor appointment and we still have no idea why he is so tired. I think it is because he has a virus. But then most things are always viruses when you go to the doctor anyway. You can have a clear case of bacterial pneumonia and they will call it a virus until you run fevers and chills to give you antibiotics. And in the age of superbugs, I don’t doubt their holding off. But I digress. This blog isn’t about antibiotics.

I have felt really sleepy today but have not had a nap. I actually woke up a few minutes before my alarm went off. And once it went off, all I want to do was shut it off, roll over, and sleep. But I had my coffee at Starbucks so that helped to wake my brain up for a bit. I was so sleep deprived I didn’t bring a book or notepad like I usually do when I take my father to his doctor’s appointment. I couldn’t concentrate anyways.

I keep thinking about ending my life. I just really want to know what would happen if I weren’t around anymore. My father won’t be going to doctor’s appointments anymore but that is the least of my worries. I really want to see my niece graduate high school this year. But it all seems so far away from me. Everything seems so far away from me, my book, my life. All too far from my reach. It’s like being cloaked in darkness and trying to reach out into the light but nothing is there and all that is, is more darkness.

fearful bad thoughts will return

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

In a somewhat elated mood today. My blog views reached 18,000 today. That means 18,000 people have read my blog since it started in July 2012. Thank you all for reading!!

I had therapy today, again. I see my therapist twice a week, sometimes more if I am having a hard time. I don’t know how we got to twice a week but it did. At one point I was seeing her four times a week. But that hasn’t happened in a long time and mostly happens when I am in the throws of a suicidal crisis. I don’t remember what we talked about even though it was several hours ago. We talked about yesterday’s blog that I wrote. I told her it was garbage but she disagreed. She said that it reminded her of the works of Janina Fisher, the consultant that I think is bogus. She has a weird sense of what trauma is and thinks the self is made up of different parts. That I can believe. But this Fisher character also believes that my voices are not real, that they are just a “part of self”. If that were truly the case, then why does medication make them go away?? My therapist really believes the bullshit this therapist portrays. At first I was accepting but then things got really hairy in the consult appointment with her. I got really mad and expressed it, calling her stuff bullshit in the process.

The point I remember my therapist was making was that she was agreeing with what I wrote about the weird feeling about not feeling suicidal 24/7. She thinks that it is normal for me to feel this way because I have been suicidal for so long and what I wrote made sense. I wish I felt the same but I don’t. I fear that like my depressions, it will come back with a fierce blow. And who is to say that when it does, I don’t act on it? I know this is why I see my therapist twice a week, just as a sort of maintenance and stabilization. Plus, I have been seeing her so long more than once a week that it is weird when I see her less than that. But I am in unknown territory right now. Don’t get me wrong, I feel good that I am not suicidal but it is weird not planning my death or thinking about killing myself all the time. And weirder still, I don’t know what changed to make this happen. I think it is because I have more confidence in myself than I have in the past. But I am still fearful that the bad thoughts will return.

I also think we talked about my father for a bit and his anger issues. I have to deal with him next week as I got the lovely task of taking him the doctor yet again. He isn’t sick, just needs to meet his doctor because he (doctor) moved to a different location. I am not looking forward to it. And because of it, I had to reschedule my appointment with my therapist because of it.

My ankle started feeling hurtful yesterday in a different way. It hurt when I bared weight on it in a spot I normally don’t feel pain. I thought the feeling was gone but soon as I got to the bus stop today it flared up as the bus was arriving. I then decided to get my coffee and do a little food shopping. BIG MISTAKE! I am hurting big time now. I am really kicking myself for doing such a stupid thing. It really annoys me because I wanted to take a shower today and didn’t before going out. Now I am really stinky and need a shower but I don’t think I can stand long enough to get the job done. I have to wait to see if the pain meds calm it down. I will hopefully take one before going to bed tonight. I don’t remember the last time I showered but I know it has been more than a few days time. I hate that I have to keep track of when I shower because my memory sucks lately. It also stinks that because I don’t go out every day, I don’t usually shower on days I don’t go out. It’s just that the depression gets the better of me and I just say fuck it. It costs me too much energy to shower and I just figure why bother. No one notices or comments about my bathing habits but me. So even though I say I stink, my family doesn’t notice it or just doesn’t say anything.

I still am feeling the lower level depression as I was the beginning of last week. I don’t know when it will end. I think it will when I get more sleep. I woke up around six thirty again this morning. I think I need to go to bed later but it’s so hard because by eight, I am exhausted and take my meds to go to sleep. I try to stay up but I get so sleepy.

they will float away

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicide, writing

I had my weekly therapy session today. We talked about the new book that I was writing as I am not happy with what I am writing and she said that I “write magic and things come together” whenever I look back over what I wrote. So I am going on that assumption even though what I wrote feels like shit. She doesn’t know how I write like I do. I don’t either. I just do. Maybe it’s just my artistic temperament. I don’t know. I felt like she was saying these things just to booster my confidence but I feel so low that it didn’t work this time.

I told her about my lows, how one day I am “fine” and the next I am thinking of killing myself. How can you go from being okay to thoughts of killing yourself is beyond me. My blogger friend was describing feeling empty last night. I guess I am feeling that today. I don’t know if my writing is effective anymore. I just feel like I lost something and I don’t know what it is. I know I should be glad that the feelings of wanting to kill myself aren’t 24/7 like they used to be. Maybe I am missing it. I mean, I have felt like that for YEARS. And to go from that to nothing, well, is weird. I like to think that I turned a corner but yesterday when I woke up, I just wanted to be dead. Course this is coming after a bad pain night in which I wish I didn’t wake up. But after those thoughts passed, they didn’t linger. I didn’t harbor the thoughts or feelings. They just floated away and I got on with my day. Today I am feeling like I am stuck. I am stuck in that harbor with these thoughts and wondering if they will float away.

I have been up early. My mother woke me up early this morning, before her stinking alarm clock went off. She is now snoozing on the couch. She didn’t hear me go up and down the stairs. Pity. I could have called it payback.

I keep thinking of what next to write and I just don’t know. I know that this blog is like my online journal. But I don’t want this blog to be just about my every day struggles. Yes I have not showered in a few days time and I need one but that is the least of my worries in the midst of this low level depression that seems to be sucking the thoughts out of my head. I can’t seem to think with this type of depression. Like my other blog I wrote the other day, to me, my blogs lately have just been words on the screen.

My ankle is hurting so I doubt I will go out for a latte. Just getting my lunch was enough to push it on the edge. It feels like someone is trying to snap it in half. And any weight I put on it, make it worse. So now I am stuck in bed keeping my foot raised to keep it immobile as much as possible so I am not in pain. I am glad when I went out I got some snacks. I know I shouldn’t be having them because I am trying to watch my weight but my therapist seems to think that I am anorexic. We talked about it today and she just wants me to eat protein. Yesterday I had two eggs (one for breakfast, the other at dinner) and I was still hungry an hour later. I don’t know what is driving my appetite increase but it sucks. And I know that if I don’t keep a watch on it, I will turn into a cow. I am not skinny by any means of the word but I would like to get below what my weight is currently. But I think I am PMS’g so I bought some chocolate. Chocolate comes from a cocoa tree so therefore it is a plant. That is my rational for having some.

Because my ankle is now bothering me in the afternoon, I guess I should take something for the pain. But that means I will be a zombie or worse take a nap so I can wake up at 8 pm. I am trying my best to ignore it but it doesn’t want to be ignored. Dammit! I hate that. So much for thinking this will go away on its own. I’m off to listen to Lady A. Maybe their music will keep me calm and awake enough so I don’t take a nap.

still in a foul mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Still in a foul mood

Woke up early again today. Seems my bladder likes to be relieved before seven these days. Then I am up for most of the day. I am not happy about this new arrangement but if it means not wetting myself, then I will do it. Lord knows how many times I have had dreams about going to the bathroom and actually peeing. How I have not wet the bed so far is a complete miracle that I am guessing I am blessed with CES for the retention it gives me. I guess that is the only blessing CES has given me.

I went to my “happy place” (aka Starbucks) and it didn’t make me happy. I had a good new latte called Caramel Flan. It is not too sweet but very caramelly. If you love caramel, I highly recommend it. I then started my journaling but kept on getting distracted because my earbud on my right ear kept popping out. Every few minutes I had to push it back in. So annoying. It made it hard to write anything. So I just went on Facebook and Twitter. When I finished that I left. I was going to go to the grocery store to pick up some more powerade but I missed the bus and had to wait for half hour for the next one. I just decided to wait for the bus to take me home instead. I really need to call Sallie Mae to get my loan payment reduced or deferred. So I am going to call them after I blog this. I have been putting it off because of the holidays but now I can no longer do that.

My mood is terrible and I might start an argument with the person. I don’t care. I don’t have any extra money to pay them right now. I can barely get by on my income as it is. I am on a strict budget with paying the editor and not being able to eat out is killing me. It is a necessity right now that I eat at home but I do enjoy not cooking and just placing an order for delivery. I think most people enjoy that but I no longer have that luxury, least for now.

I know yesterday I had thoughts of death in my last blog. I woke up with them again today. Seems no matter how much I try to keep them out, they creep back in. It doesn’t mean that I am suicidal. I am not planning my death, though if the higher power wants to take me now, I wouldn’t mind it. My family might but I wouldn’t. Seems my family is becoming more dependent on me being home than ever. I being asked to babysit more and to take my father to his doctors appointments. I don’t mind doing it but I also like to stay in my room and be shut out from the world. Since not being able to work, I have not gone to Boston.com for news. The only news I get is from Facebook/Twitter. So it no one posts a big story, I am not likely to get it or know about it. I do get YahooNews on my twitter account but I have not read a paper in years. I used to like reading the Sunday paper at work. It was a good way for me to keep up on things and check out the new books that come out. Now unless I see a book on a show or promoted through twitter, I am not going to know about it. Or through my favorite authors. I think that is the best way to promote is by social media.

I cannot wait for March. I can finally get my tablet off my phone bill and will be saving fifty dollars a month. My phone bill will finally be affordable on my new income. I still will be able to use the tablet, least I think I will. As long as I have Wi-Fi connection, I should be ok. As it is, I don’t use it much. And it is considered a dinosaur now so I doubt anyone would want it except for recycling or something. I might still keep it as I have Kindle books on there.

I don’t know why I am in such a sour mood. I know sleep has something to do with it. I can’t stand it. I hate being down because I know there is nothing that can be done about it. But at least it isn’t sucking the energy from me. But I think it is only a matter of time before it sucks my motivation. I still have to write my few pages for the new book today. I still have no idea what I am going to write. If nothing comes to me, I will just edit what I have.

One thing that pisses me off about my mood being low is that there is no reason why I should be depressed, unless I am still grieving for my friend but I don’t really think that is it. Whatever it is, I hope that it goes away soon and I go back to my midlevel depression. Because this foul mood sucks.